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Where in the world is Josemonkey?

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What's New? (24th August 2007)

BioShock's great, you know. Not that I'll talk about that.

Once upon a time, I broke my Game Boy Advance SP by accidentally throwing it on the floor. I wrote about it in this column.

By brilliant coincidence, a nice new man from Nintendo saw what had happened and sent me an email offering me a fancy, free replacement. Being a man of limited means (and limited meaning), I was thrilled (and limited dignity), so I said yes, and didn't tell you in case you thought I was ON THE TAKE or something.

(Upon which note - it's worth adding that my minimum bribe level has yet to be exceeded by anyone. Wimps. And all your products are rubbish! Die!)

So, as you can imagine, when I heard of this new Xbox 360 Elite wotsit, I was dead happy. Because, as we all know, Xbox 360s - much as I love them/hate them/whatever you've decided in the comments recently - are as prone to falling over as Amy Winehouse in a wind tunnel.

Unfortunately, mine hasn't. Bought in January last year (purely to cane PGR3, as it goes - All Platinums represent), it's been ticking along happily ever since. And so in recent weeks I've become increasingly anxious. Why would Microsoft send me an Elite if my Premium still works? They'd have to be mad!

So I've started, you know, trying to help it on its way. Gently, at first - I started pushing the disc tray closed rather than hitting the button. My Dad always told me not to do that. I power cycled with sufficient vigour to put a Tour de France leader to shame (apparently not a precedent).

As 24th August drew nearer, I grew desperate. It sits under my desk next to the PS3, and a couple of weeks ago I accidentally kicked it with bare feet, and this caused me extreme pain. This gave me an idea. So I fired up Perfect Dark Zero and left the console on for 72 hours in a row. When my pad charged, I yanked on the cord to remove it, hoping to dislodge something vital.

And I'll be honest - at this point I've got it upside down, I'm using it as a footstool, and I've installed a subwoofer the size of Plymouth next to it, along with a pair of busty and unshielded speakers. Made out of lions.

I don't know what to do. I can't make my Xbox 360 break. I can't even remember if it's ever crashed. And this isn't some special journamalism one either - I bought it off the Internet. It should be so dead by now that I could stick it in the window and pimp my sister. I am, frankly, out of ideas.

So please, Microsoft, take pity on me! You send free stuff to people all the time! I bet you've given one to Johnny! Give me an Elite! And if you do, I will write "INDESTRUCTIBLE" on the side of this one and give it to a What's New reader. I promise.

What do you say?

Apart, obviously, from "you shameless c-[This week! -Ed]

Special mention:

  • Xbox 360 Elite (seriously)

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