It begins. We're queuing to get into the Messe, and we've been handed our EA-branded wristbands.
It's a wrap. Mirror's Edge looked wonderful and we got a first look at Star Wars: Battlefront's aerial dogfighting mode, Fighter Squadron; meanwhile, a FIFA 16 trailer exhibited dangerous levels of TOP BANTS, but nowhere near as dangerous as the Sims 4 dance routine. Watch at your peril and read Martin's obvious discomfort below.
Is it bad that I'm actually excited by all that? Gamescom begins!
We're taking our seats at EA's booth. You can smell the excitement. And a little white wine on Bertie's breath from last night.
Just bumped into ARCH RIVAL vg24/7's Pat Garret, who is taking photos of a TIE Fighter. I can't believe this is what we do for a job.
Doing this from a phone will lead to plenty of typos. Well, a few more than you normally see from me. So apologies in advance.
I do love it when a big company locks the world's press in a room and gives them no Internet.
Internet update, as I know you all dearly want one. I'm now tethered to ARCH RIVAL Pat Garratt's phone. I'm not sure if this is going to turn out to be some dirty trick.
We've just under five minutes from going live.
As far as clues for what we're about to see - well, we're flanked by Star Wars props. There's an AT-AT and a TIE Fighter. And a couple of screens pimping Need for Speed.
One minute countdown!
Lovely shade of blue being projected on the screens.
Lights down, let's do this
Dubstep and flashing lights. Let's maybe not do this.
Andrew Wilson takes to the stage, sans suit jacket.
I can smell his cheap cologne from here.
Well, I doubt it's cheap.
More importantly, I can see the autocue.
There are a bunch of stooges in the audience.
Whooping and hollering every big statement. Muppets.
Need for Speed's first up, and we have our first handsome Swede - Marcus Nilsson - on stage.
its like going clubbing for breakfast
Wub wub wub.
A couple of Porsches on-screen. Ugh, it still hurts that EA has exclusivity on the marque.
'Let's shift gears' lol cars.
Ken Block's mental homebrew car is in the new Need for Speed.
It's slightly mental that they're bringing back the story stuff - I don't know who asked for that.
We can't hear a bloody thing in the auditorium - it's just reverb and dubstep. The perfect conference hell.
Real-life cutscenes that blend seamlessly with the gameplay.
FMV's so 1998. I love it.
Plants vs Zombies cross-over confirmed.
Let's bring back Night Trap while we're at it.
Boring story - I sat in Ken Block's car once, and he drove me around a car park very fast.
We're climaxing with a new Need for Speed trailer.
It has cars and people and talking and engines.
I like the bits with the cars.
It's the second attractive Swede - Sara Jansson of DICE for Mirror's Edge Catalyst.
Again, I don't think anyone's that bothered about Mirror's Edge's story. Let's see some jumpy jumps please!
That's more like it! Some very handsome gameplay, running at 60fps here in the auditorium.
I'd play this video game.
That was Mirror's Edge Catalyst, then, and mighty fine it looks.
All the grand parts of the original with none of the chaff.
Now time for the game that wasn't Knights of the Old Republic 3 but that everyone wanted to be Knights of the Old Republic 3 and that EA now wants to turn into Knights of the Old Republic 3.
And to that effect, this expansion is a story-focussed affair that's starting everyone from scratch - a return to BioWare's storytelling roots, we're told.
If you've got a Star Wars property in the year where Star Wars rules all it makes sense to give it a shunt.
It still looks like quite an old MMO.
What is this nonsense I bet it's Sims.
The Sims 4, everybody, complete with some hollering from people in the audience who are probably on EA's payroll.
"We're going to give you more life to play with..."Through DLC!
And here's another!
For some reason everyone's started looking at their phones. Anyway, The Sims 4 expansion, Get Together, has just been announced.
No. Please no.
If this dancing on stage looks bad on the stream, I can assure it's even worse here.
A few people just got up and left after that.
I can't really blame them. ONWARDS.
To Garden Warfare 2.
oh dear. come back pele. all is forgiven
I no longer fear death
Well, I'm glad something positive came from that segment then.
Couch co-op is in for PvZ Garden Warfare 2.
And an all-new hub area.
Grass Effect, a tie-in with BioWare, is also coming.
Has anything been announced yet beyond a suit for Garden Warfare 2 and a Sims expansion?
People just applauded a terrible pun. The Eurogamer writers must be jealous.
Bertie's sitting next to me, appalled.
It's the third attractive Swede - Patrick Soderlund!
These are concepts from EA - I think I saw Criterion's game in there somewhere.
And Bertie spotted a space dragon.
It's internet darling Martin Sahlin!
Genuine excitement in the crowd for perhaps the most adorable man to ever grace a conference stage.
I think he's about to cry.
Unravel does look bloody lovely.
I think the character just pushed a used tampon into some water and used it to float across to the other side of the level. Charming.
Wes, I'm told, is loving this back in the office.
He just loves cute indie puzzle platformers.
There are moments of reflection, wonder, beauty and discovery. Also you'll jump about a bit.
Star Wars Battlefront, and lots of whoooping in the crowd.
Yeah, I'm not even going to try and type that name.
I love how stern this DICE producer seems. When she says she enjoys crushing others you believe her.
Here's our first look at aerial combat in what, Fallout aside, is sure to be the year's biggest game.
Everyone cheers, and then there's a silence as she steps on stage and stares us down. God, she's amazing.
Fighter Squadron is playable here at Gamescom. We will, of course, run to that queue as fast as possible.
Oh. My. God.
FUT this, where's Pele?
David Rutter comes on-stage, sans his sidekick, to introduce a look inside Gary Neville's house.
Anyway, Gary Neville's got lovely curtains.
Stop trying to make FUT happen.
I played FIFA 16 last week and saw this new mode - there's a short story coming up in a tick on the site, and impressions later in the month.
I say short story - it's not like Carver or Cheever or anything. Just a list of features that they're announcing now.
There are 900 new chants, 9 new stadiums. And people are leaving the auditorium.
Srsly where's Pele?
There's nothing under my seat. Thank god.
when did football leave
I think he just popped to the shops, he's back now though with an armful of Monster Munch.
That was FIFOO.
And that, er, was the conference.
Did they announce anything?
I'm a bit confused.
And that's a wrap.
Thanks for joining us, we're heading to Blizzard which kicks off in an hour.