Google Stadia Connect Gamescom 2019 live report
It was nothing.
Seriously. It was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don't even bother reading this. Just move on.
Our live coverage of this event has finished.
Sorry for looking all flustered. My hair's a mess too - I've just rushed over from the Inside Xbox show.
When I say just rushed over, I do mean of course that I just closed one window on my browser and opened another one. In the process I might have shifted a couple of millimetres on the sofa too.
And my hair is always a mess.
Anyway, let's Google! In 20 minutes, once I've got myself a drink.
My favourite rumour from the Stadia reveal earlier this year - going around the queue as we waited for the showcase - was that Google had bought a load of old Sega IP and was handing them out to devs.
Outrun 3, a new Golden Axe - that kind of thing.
Complete bollocks, I'm sure, but that was a fun few minutes and it made the queue more bearable.
Three minutes to go. And I'm still scrambling around trying to set up the 7pm live report like a true professional.
Deffo 100 per cent cancelled.
Kami: Whatever happened to Jasper Carrot?
Oh man I still have a massive soft spot for Jasper Carrott.
Still, probably cancelled.
Really was hoping any delay for this one would be met with a 'connecting' screen on the live stream.
And we're live, with Ray Bautista.
He says it's going to be a brief presentation, which after that bum-numbing Inside Xbox is super, super welcome.
He also has very vertical hair.
Whoosh! It's all going skywards.
AddressUnknown: Martin. Not sure if it should be, but this isn't on the front page of the site.
Good. It can be our little secret!
OMG I just spotted. Maybe they're like little ears?
Shanna's hair is much more down to earth.
She's listing off the places that Google has travelled in its efforts to get Stadia up and running, and her eyes suggest it's all taken its toll.
Cyberpunk 2077 - if you haven't heard of it, I think it might be quite big - gets its moment.
And if you're talking about games you can play on Stadia, they really don't get much bigger than Cyberpunk 2077.
I think the pitch is more graphics, less outlay, more convenience.
But at the moment it all seems a bit obscured by a business model that is confusing and doesn't play to the platform's strengths.
I'm hoping that this is going to be more than a succession of games we already know plenty about being confirmed as coming to Stadia.
Also yes my feed is lagging here, which is not the greatest advert for streaming.
And as if they heard me, we're now seeing Destiny 2: Shadowkeep.
Oh no wait, we knew all about that one too.
Kami: I get the idea of streaming, it's just... until we have some sort of parity with internet speeds, isn't this going to be heavily dependent on location? Yay, city folks get all the good cheap gaming stuff and those in the backwoods have to buy big expensive towers still
Serves you right for living in the countryside.
(It is going to be interesting though how this is going to scale for more rural players).
Oooh, the first game I didn't know about - and it looks a bit Stephen's Sausage Roll - and I don't even know how to spell its name.
Which is great for the purposes of this live text. Anyway, it's a cute little 3D platformer that also maybe reminds me of Devil Dice.
And it's Kine.
(It was announced last March, it turns out, I'm just very slow).
Darksiders Genesis is Darksiders meets Diablo, if that sounds like something you'd like.
A new exclusive game!
It's a new Orcs Must Die.
I'd forgotten all about Orcs Must Die.
I didn't even realise there was a second one. This is Orcs Must Die 3!
The lag I'm getting frequently on this stream suggests they are at least doing something Stadia-exclusive.
Some more Stadia-related stuff, though - it's about having access to massive computing power anywhere, so expect mega dense waves of enemies in Orcs Must Die 3.
And speaking of massive computing power! Here's Windjammers 2, which you can probably run on your fridge.
It's more Windjammers, though, which is a great thing - I played this a bit earlier this year, and while it doesn't add much to the formula beyond a new spike move, it's decent enough.
AddressUnknown: Not sure we need a Windjammers sequel. The original is perfect.
Destroy All Humans, in choppy Stadia-vision now.
Mortal Kombat 11 now - let's see how a big existing game adapts to Stadia.
Lag is the answer, it seems.
I'm on a 60mbps connection here, so I'm sure this is a problem their side. It's all quite amusing, but it's definitely not encouraging me to part with hard cash to be there day one with Stadia.
Please just blink.
Ooooh! She blinked!
God that was a relief. My eyes were drying out just watching that.
Superhot, which today came to Switch meaning you can play it anywhere, is coming to Stadia.
Oooh they will need to up their game a bit.
Which in fairness they do by announcing some new Superhot content.
A Farming Simulator game now.
Way to piss on their parade!
Farming Simulator 2019. Coming to Stadia. (Pretty sure it's on Switch too).
Samurai Shodown - which is a bonafide brilliant game and one I should have probably given an Essential to - is also coming to Stadia.
To be fair input lag is a thing on the Switch and that doesn't even have the excuses that Stadia has.
But yeah this is a truly mediocre showing so far from Google.
GarciaHotspur: SamSho is so nice.
Ain't it just.
This really should have been a press release.
Maybe not even that. A tweet?
That could be going too far. Just could have been small talk while we were waiting for the coffee machine to do its thing.
Doom Eternal is coming to Stadia, as we knew, but with added stutter.
Grid, Attack on Titan 2. More trailers for games we already knew were Stadia-bound.
What an utterly pointless waste of time this has been.
I was sort of excited about Stadia before this.
This has been one 30 minute vibe kill so far.
Elder Scrolls Online is also coming to Stadia. We knew that already.
If anyone from Google is reading this, what were you trying to achieve today?
I never understand why companies request the world's attention for shows like this only to pick fluff from their belly buttons for 30 minutes.
Or 90 minutes with added screaming, if you're Microsoft.
It just makes me a bit sad/angry that they're so willing to waste everyone's time with absolutely nothing.
INSOMANiAC: This is a total embarrassment. The lag is the cherry on a cake make of shit. Human shit.
That is one way of putting it. A quite eloquent one, at that.
I never thought I'd say this, but...
Geoff Keighley. Save us.
But yes this Borderlands 3 trailer is a lot of fun so we've all got that to cling to.
I was a bit optimistic with the 30 minutes thing there.
Watch Dogs 3 - a new trailer.
Dick Van Dyke confirmed.
And Helen Mirren too, which I'll take.
I do love the look of this, mostly because of it reminds me of the excellent ZombiU.
Secret best game of the past 20 years.
(Okay maybe I shouldn't go that far, but it was bloody good).
And that was it.
Wow. What a lot of absolutely nothing.
One of the most pointless shows/briefings I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through.
I liked that chap's anti-grav hair though.
Haha, thanks for obliging. And thanks for joining me. Oh well, Geoff is next. Surely that will have *something* to show?
See you in 20 minutes. I'm going to be drinking.