Vox Pop of EG's Unsung Heroes
We're not all in Los Angeles.
It's easy for you to sit there and think "Cuh, those ligging tossers are all out sunning themselves whilst being fed grapes by Hideo Kojima in a bikini and being pleasured by a bevy of paid-for harlots," but it's easy to forget that we're not all at E3. Some of our staffers are stuck in Blighty waiting for one of us Los Angelic dossers to pick up the phone and give them their daily helping of abuse. So we thought we'd give them a chance to whinge about it. Enjoy.
Immigrants. No, hang on, I mean Rupert. It's his fault that he hasn't thought of a brilliant excuse for me to go, that deftly sidesteps the issue of me not being a journalist, thus not having any useful work to do in LA.
Wait, I'm not going!?
I blame The News. It never sleeps. And won't even give me a couple of days off to swan round LA drinking and playing games, and playing drinking games, like everyone else.
For me, it's all my own fault. When I was busy dropping out of college and accidentally discovering a career in programming computers, I really should have been honing my 3r337 gaming sk1llz0rz and taking a crash course in qualified quipantry and the punctual production of perfect prose. Okay, near-perfect. [Oh that's not "complusary", is it Kristan? -Tom]
By drawing pictures of food all over the Eurogamer whiteboard in permanent marker pen (again).
I will take revenge, and I'll do it in style: that same style I had when I was a young whipper-snapper. I shall arm myself to the teeth with water-bombs, super-soakers, whoopee-cushions, and elastic bands, and go in teeth bared and pranks blazing.
Yes, I will be forcing myself to play Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. A game so bad it makes the baby cheeses cry, and I've a wet fridge full of BabyBels that are testament to that fact.
I will be simultaneously hosting my own, far superior gaming expo, entitled Ellie3 2005. A vast array of top industry bigwigs have been invited to come round my house and show me games so Future they haven't even been invented yet. Also, I will host the world premiere of next-next-generation consoles PS14 and Xbox 947, providing I can clear enough space in the lounge. Does anyone want to buy a sofa?
Walking round the office in my pants, because there will be nobody around to tell me not to.
I might stuff a teddy-bear?
I'm scheduled to wallow in a pool of self-pity on Monday and jealousy on Tuesday. Wednesday will see me attending a therapy session entitled "Get over it, you'd hate being stuck with all those Americans anyway", then on Thursday I shall be starting my quest to seek out and destroy the person that coined the phrase "webinar". The cathartic effect of this, however, will only be yielded upon successful completion, so I have a chicken vindaloo and chapattis lined up in the comfort food zone. On Friday my depression will deepen as I realise that another weekend of gardening and clearing out the garage looms ahead.
Hosting Ellie3 2005, obviously - playing games from The Future, telling Miyamoto, Kojima, Bill Gates etc. how to make them better, and being offered illegal substances by a vast array of my favourite top Hollywood celebrities. The top Hollywood celebrities will include George Lucas, Bill Murray, Oprah, Woody Allen, Steve Guttenberg, Goose off of Top Gun, Arnold Schwarchamanegger, Elvis and Trisha (to be confirmed).
Wanna know some more about these people and what they do for us? Check out our staff page. And yes, we know Ellie isn't on there yet. BUT SHE IS REAL. STOP ASKING.