Oi oi! Who's up for some GAMESCOM! There ain't no party like a sausage party!
Thank the maker for EA, who's still willing to put on a show while others shy away. We're not sure exactly what form that show will take, mind, but we're at least guaranteed new details on Titanfall, Battlefield and FIFA. If we're lucky it'll be a repeat of EA Play just before E3, and we'll be treated to a lot of dubious celebs getting high while playing EA's line-up. Mesut Ozil taking on Reggie Yates at FIFA 17 while chewing mogadon? That'd do nicely. Join us here live from 6.15pm BST.
I'm so pumped I've just downed a pot of coffee and am about to get down to do some push-ups in my garden in an effort to contain the excitement.
(I'll be watching remotely from sunny Lewisham while Tom Phillips will be there on the floor for us).
What to expect? Going from June's EA Play event, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Aside from some awkward celebrity cameos. But that's what we're all here for, right?
Thankfully EA's already got some of that boring game stuff out the way, having already released its Battlefield 1 Gamescom trailer and teased the announcement of a beta for Titanfall 2 over that'll be taking place over the next two weekends.
What does that leave? Nothing but wall-to-wall beat poetry about sports and walk-ons from sporting celebrities.
Which is something I could watch for hours on end.
For now, though, I'm going to try and calm myself with a cold shower. I'll see you back here just before kick-off!
So, the other news from tonight's conference has just been announced. A Titanfall 2 open beta *will* be taking place this coming weekend and the weekend after on PS4 and Xbox One.
I can't tell you anything about what's just been announced 'til 8pm tonight because embargoes lol.
But anyway we'll have plenty of video of the maps and modes live then plus some of me waffling about it all. It's Titanfall. It's got robots in. It's good.
Any chance you can sneak me in Martin? I'm sure EA wouldn't mind an Activision guy being there!
I'm watching remotely, though I could sneak you into my house?
Can I get a couple of games of Overwatch in before this all kicks off?
martin, i hope you're watching for nipples again
Tom's on the show floor, where he's reporting that lots of people are awkwardly sitting around.
are we actually expecting anything new?
No. But, er, stick around! It *might* be fun.
Does Gamescom smell as bad as E3?
From previous experience, yes. The smell of teenage enthusiasm is much more overpowering there.
Blizzard's own Gamescom video has just wrapped.
And it was *awful*. We did get confirmation of a new Overwatch map, mind.
That and a whole load of nonsensical vapid noise. It has, at least, set the bar very low.
Let's see EA limbo under it in just over 15 minutes.
Hello from EA's press event room - I say room, it's a corner of the EA booth with lots of awkward journos standing around!
There's a podium in the centre where we're hoping Peter Moore will speak or maybe do some kind of sexy dancing.
No one's really sure how little we're going to get but a few gamepads are sat on the stage so some kind of live demo filler looks likely.
Well, I'm not sure what the EA stream is showing for you guys at home but here we're having a lukewarm intro from Patrick Soderlund. Games in the spotlight today - well, no surprises: FeefifoFIFA, Battlefield, Titanfall
Thanks, Tom. But what's he wearing?
Shirt, one button open, smart trousers. Can confirm shirt was tucked.
Good stuff, thanks for the update.
It sounds like the live stream you'll see in 10 minutes will be footage from the booth, which we've just been told to go play on. I think that's it from here!
We seeing any ME:A?
That's a negative I'm afraid.
Martin: you forgot to ask if you can see his nips
Not sure about nipples but I'm fully expecting a couple of proper tits in a minute.
Wait for it!
Wait for it...
Any second now...
*lets out slow, dry fart*
I hope you're having as much fun as I am right now.
Though I have used the time to reheat last night's cassoulet which I'm getting through right now.
beginning to wonder if I am the only one with the show starts soon stream
Same here. Same everywhere.
are they using their own servers? if so it'll be a right clusterfuck
I'm done with the cassoulet. I've got some honey and ginger ice cream in the freezer but I should probably save that for later.
Can I squeeze in a game of Overwatch before this begins?
Hey, the new Overwatch map might even be out by the time this begins.
lol @ spambot invading live comments
That's no spam. I've met her Auntie Brooke and it is indeed a very nice Cadillac she drives.
Meanwhile, in publishers who've got their shit together land, Activision just announced that club houses for clans are coming to Destiny.
Stealth Destiny live report, sorry.
It's begun, and part of me wishes it hadn't!
'EA's kicking off Gamescom 2016 with some of the hottest news of the summer'. I hope they're done sometime before autumn.
Who the fuck is that guy?
Screw nipplewatch, we've got our first bona fide tit of the show.
FIFA Ultimate Team Champions is a new, new news thing.
This is so, so awkward.
We're kicking off with FUTFUTFUTFUTFUT.
Haha I said kicking off that's a football thing right?
This club remix of Blur's Song 2 that's soundtracking the trailer is new to me. It's kind of gross.
Maybe it's just because I'm old and cranky and I haven't had my nap today.
Spencer from Spencer FC - are they from the Evo-Stick North or something? - is taking us through this.
Nick Channon, a man who makes video games and is likely to be more bearable than anyone else on this stream, is on stage to take us through what's new.
The Frostbite engine is the big thing for this year's FIFA.
Driven throughballs, active intelligence and more physical play are the innovations in this year's FIFA.
I think they were the innovations a few years back too? God I've been doing this too long - it's all one big grey smear.
Spencer FC, for those over 30 like me, isn't a football club.
It's a man.
FUT time. Futty fut fut.
I can't believe they actually, officially pronounce it "futt".
To cut to the chase, EA's just issued a press release about Ultimate Team.
The short of it: 'This year's FUT adds squad-building challenges and FUT Champions.
'FUT Champions is daily knockout tournaments for in-game rewards. Through it, you get a chance to play in the Weekend League. There's a Monthly Leaderboard to work towards.
'If you get to the top spots on the leaderboard, you could get the chance to compete in the new FUT Championship Series. There's a $1.3m prize pool on offer. It all sounds like EA's trying to take FUT into the world of eSports.'
How long will this stream go on for?
Well, too long. That's for sure.
Where's Pele when you need him?
This is even more boring than those car games you play, Martin.
Everyone on this stream looks so confused. So lethargic. It's like the end of a really bad trip.
I think I'm about to have a whitey. And I haven't smoked a thing.
Do you remember that time Pele told us about the Swedish girl that touched his hair?
We were all so much happier then. Simpler, better times.
At least at E3 we got to see Zac Efron and Jamie Foxx clearly off their tits while playing Battlefield.
I know this is a bit lower rent, but can't they pump Max and O.B. from Hollyoaks with some PCP and get them playing Titanfall 2?
Spencer FC, you're about to be relegated.
Johnny's just pointed out that Spencer FC has a huge wodge of cue cards to get through.
We could be here all night.
Hang on, have we been here all night? I can see the sun, but maybe it's the morning already.
Tom is on the show floor right now.
And he's just shared something *amazing*.
(which I'm now trying to upload)
Before then, our special guest is... Peter Moore.
Anyway, here are the scenes live from the floor where this is happening.
Update from the "show floor" - a lot of people are no longer in the building.
Remember that time Peter's nipples stood out like fleshy bullets on-stage at EA Play earlier this year?
Someone in wardrobe clearly does - he's been sheathed in a blue suit jacket.
There is no-one there.
Go home. Go be with your families and friends. Remind that someone special that you love them.
Clip your toenails. Clean your ears. Chisel all that burnt-in cheese off your grill.
Do something, anything other than this.
There are almost 800 people on this page right now. I want all of you to go away and do something else. Close this tab.
I can see how many people are on here. I won't be happy until that number's gone down to zero.
Oh god it's just gone up.
What is *wrong* with you people?
I'm just going to curl up in the corner for a little bit. Please go away.
I just drifted off. I had this terrible dream that I was watching a stream where they were showing off Kasabian-inspired football shirts.
Oh god this is actually happening isn't it.
Reus is being escorted through an empty showfloor to join them.
I have no idea who that man is....
Marco Reus, 27-year-old attacking midfielder for Dortmund. So Wikipedia tells me.
'Let's make it interesting' says Spencer United. I think it's too late for that.
I'm told that most people have left the event, and devs are filling the stations that were intended for attendees to play.
Star Trek TNG is on Syfy at the moment.
Pretty good episode too.
Fifth series, Picard and Data go to investigate a rumour that Spock's defected to the Romulans.
You've missed the first 20 minutes but if you tune in now you'd get the gist.
Women's Omnium tonight, too. Looking forward to that.
Let's see, what else. There's One Foot in The Grave on Gold.
I JUST GOT THE WARP REACTOR TAU BLUEPRINT.
That's not a bad way to spend a Tuesday night.
Oh god there's now even more of you on this page. What can we do to make you go away?
Sorry to interrupt.
What if I spoilt every big game that's out at the moment?
What if I told you what happens in Harry Potter and The Cursed Child?
I'll do it. I swear I will.
I'll ruin everything for you. I'll tell you who Rey's parents are.
Leave this page now, or everything will be meaningless to you.
Aaaaaggghhh the number of people watching this live report has gone up again.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.
I have a family I want to see. Please. Spare me.
So, while we're all here suffering. Got any good jokes?
Please, yes. Anything to lift the pain.
this conference is a joke
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
i just made sausage pasta, thats a first during a live stream
Hey, I had a sausage in my cassoulet earlier. What are the chances!
Any Eurogamer folk want to fill us in on when F1 2016 is getting reviewed? Need to know if Codies have fulfilled their promises this year!
Friday 8am. I'm on it myself - without giving too much away it's really good this year.
Hang on. We're onto FIFA Mobile now.
For my sanity, and for your own, I will be dialling out shortly.
I'm only doing it because I care about you all.
It really is a lovely evening out.
Go for a walk, make the most of that glorious summer twilight.
Enjoy life. It's short, make the most of it.
I don't ever want to see you here again.
'Don't go changin'' says Spencer Harriers as the FIFA section comes to an end. No, don't *you* ever change Spencer.
Farewell, goodnight, god bless.
Are you *still* here?
If you're here for Titanfall, why not just watch some videos of me playing it really badly?
We'll have more inspiring nonsense for you over the next few days (and while it's been a slow start there's some really juicy stuff inbound - trust me!) Have a grand evening. And sorry, I guess.