Velvet Assassin

Velvet Assassin

Velvet Assassin

Puts the ass into it.

As everyone knows, you should never judge a book by its cover - you should judge a book by holding it so the pages fall open naturally, thereby revealing how many dirty bits there are. However, you should always judge a videogame by its cover. The back cover, to be specific.

This comes as advice from someone who used to write the back covers of videogames for a living. I also used to lie awake feeling guilty for lying to the kids about the latest release being "high-octane" and "adrenaline-fuelled", when the honest thing would have been to write "a stunningly mediocre racing game just like the seven you already own and the 14 coming out later this year".

The back cover for Velvet Assassin describes it as "an intense stealth action game". As anyone who's ever played a videogame knows, this translates as "a game about hiding, with a bit of shooting thrown in". The back cover says to expect "surreal visuals". This means "everything goes a bit wibbly and blurry now and again". We're promised "a haunting narrative", or rather "a very slow voiceover by someone who sounds a bit depressed". But it's these three words which tell you everything you need to know: "World War II".

Read more

Velvet Assassin

Smooth criminal.

There can't be many games where the lead character is lying unconscious in bed, drugged up to the eyeballs. As idyllic as this scenario sounds, there is more to it than sheer indolence: it's World War II, it's a hospital bed, and you are Violette Summer, a British spy loosely inspired by the tragic real-life story of special operative Violette Szabo.