Well good afternoon and how do you do.
We've seen the next generation, and it means... Er, faster loading times and time loops! Sony delivered a rip-roaring ride through a diverse range of software at its PS5 reveal event - here's everything as it happened.
I'm excited, as I'm sure you all are.
Though I'm not so excited as to sit here for the next four hours - we'll kick off properly around 8.30pm BST, with the event due to start at 9pm BST.
Make sure you're there, bring snacks and bring a bottle or two - we believe it's set to be well over an hour so we'll have plenty of time to get to know each other.
In the mean time, may I suggest some light reading to keep you going the next few hours?
See you all later this evening!
Knack that you cunts.
Can't see any better way to start this off than that, really.
Hello! I'm now comfortable in my shed with a bottle of cheap red and a heart full of hope ahead of our first glimpse of the next generation of videogames.
(It's the ninth generation, for those keeping score).
Are you in your racing chair Martin?
Is this worth getting out of end bed grinding up a fresh bowl?
Treat yourself! It's Christmas!
I'm more excited about this than I've been for an event for some time - I don't want to overhype it too much, but we might be on for something of E3 2015 proportions.
Cut to me getting increasingly bored and frustrated in an hour's time after a stream of nonsensical reveals and hollow marketing bullshit.
I'm optimistic though!
What to expect?
This is off the record, so keep it between us.
But I've heard Ken Kutaragi is back.
He's going to come onstage with an Xbox Series X and smash it with a hammer for 30 minutes straight.
The next 30 minutes is just him explaining finance options for getting hold of a PS5 and explaining how you can re-mortgage your house.
It's going to be EPIC.
You didn't hear it from me, but there's a lot of The Order chat in the comments...
A sequel to The Order would be absolutely perfect launch fodder - the perfect 6/10 game.
I’ve had 4 cans and half a bottle of wine
Oh dear god.
What *actually* might happen, though.
Is glimpses of Gran Turismo and Horizon Zero Dawn 2, the not-so-secret Demon's Souls remake plus a generous helping of third-party offerings being led by Sony's Japanese partners - I'm expecing Capcom and Square Enix among others to show us what their vision of next-gen looks like.
That and graphics. There will be so many graphics.
I'm only here to drool over Jim Ryan though.
If PS5 can come close to rendering his manly beauty I'd be first in line to buy one at any cost.
Do we think we'll see a price point tonight?
I'm thinking that might be the one bit of bad news that Sony might want to hold back while it has its moment of glory. But what do I know?
Are we playng NippleWatch tonight, or is it "not thiat kinda show"?
After 9pm anything goes.
I'm not even sure if we'll have a presenter as such and it might be a more Nintendo Direct-style approach. Let's wait and see!
If there's one thing I miss about E3 - and there isn't that much to be honest - it's the added and frankly quite unnecessary drama of a live show, with all its clumsiness.
If Jim Ryan wants to flash a bit of nip, I don't see anyone who'd complain here...
Imagine that nipple delivered with the power of Unreal Engine 5.
15 minutes to go! Time to start thinking of a tactical toilet break.
Though I'm going wild tonight and might just go in the garden. I've gone feral since lockdown.
6/10? What is this scoring system that you reference?
Ah sorry that's in old money. 6-7/10 are Recommended, 3-5 and 8/10 are no badge and 2 and 9-10/10 are Essential. Hope that clears things up!
You in the shed Martin?
I basically live out here now, so yes.
Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
Gosh I've had so much fun talking to you all I didn't realise it's now only ten minutes to go.
I should probably put the stream on in my shed.
Doesn't the review score depend on who EG is biased towards that week?
Depends whose cheque has cleared mostly, yeah.
How long does this run for roughly?
I thought it was an hour but it's scheduled on the PS4 dashboard for two hours. So who knows!
Wearing my Dreamcast t-shirt, muttering 'pre-rendered footage'...Yes - I'm still bitter.
Martin, what bevvies have you got for the watch-a-long?
A bottle of red, which I've just this second cracked open. I don't like to start these things drunk - I'm a professional, don't you know - and prefer to get absolutely shit-faced during the actual thing.
Five minutes and my heart is PUMPING.
Martin I hope you’ve prepared your spiel for when HZD2 inevitably appears...
It's a perfectly decent 8/10.
*runs and hides*
Another downside of this not being a live show is missing out on the ludicrous rumours that go around the queues at these events.
At the Google Stadia one a while back more than a few people told me OutRun 3 was a Stadia exclusive. They knew exactly where to hit me.
Also was it last year that people were saying Miyamoto was going to come on-stage at the Microsoft press event?
Decent platformer, new everybody's golf, not too many shooters please
Oh lord a new Everybody's Golf would be SENSATIONAL.
Pepsi Max Ginger here. Lovely stuff.
That sounds... interesting?
Oh look at the time!
IT'S NEXT-GEN O'CLOCK
Happy video game Christmas everyone! Here's hoping Santa hasn't bought us a PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale sequel.
Fashionably late, as ever.
Don't they just have to hit the play button?
And here we go.
We're promised some mature content - which usually means necks will be stabbed.
Either this is off to a weird start or the ketamine has just kicked in.
A brief history of PlayStation, and a splash of the best start-up sound in video game history from the OG PS1.
Why are my palms sweating. Why am I so damn excited to see some video game. Ooh, I live for this shit.
And we're straight in with Rockstar? It's GTA5.
I've played this one.
I do think they pressed the PS4 reveal button. Oh well.
At least it wasn't the PS3 reveal button.
Well, GTA5 is coming to PS5.
Which is one way to start off your big next gen reveal.
Oh Sony, don't screw this.
Well, that announcement of GTA5 coming to PS5 has at least settled my heart rate and lowered my excitement levels.
Hold on, who am I kidding.
IT'S JIM RYAN.
Wearing a slightly less silky shirt, and also sneakily hiding whether he's gone tucked or untucked.
Oh Jim you are such a tease! And that's why I love you.
He's gone now. I hope he comes back. I could look at that face forever.
Ah I guess it'd be nice to see some PS5 games too, commencing with some PS Studios games adn what looks like Spiderman 2.
Headed up by Miles Morales, of course. And looking a lot like Spider-Man on PS4, but this is early days still.
Also apologies for styling Spider-Man every single way I know, I don't have my Marvel style book with me.
Here's Kaz, though, to show us Gran Turismo which always has the graphics.
And after GT Sport - which was ace - a promise of more of a career mode.
The Porsche 917 FINALLY makes it to Gran Turismo, as do some of the old-school tracks.
And it is Gran Turismo 7 - so a return to a more traditional Gran Turismo experience after the online-focussed GT Sport.
It strill looks like they can't be arsed with damage...
Well, it looks like Gran Turismo alright. I don't think that was quite as stunning as I'd have hoped.
And as a motorsport traditionalist it just looks odd seeing GT cars racing against a 917.
Anyway, RATCHET AND CLANK.
And it does look sensational, with different locales jumping in an out of place in a real flexing of next-gen muscle.
My Gamespot stream does not seem great quality?
The YouTube one isn't great either - it's full of compression and artefacts which make everything look at bit... shit.
But here's a longer look at the new Ratchet and Clank, which is built around the idea of dimensional drifts - hence those fast-swapping scenes.
I thought Ratchet PS 5 looked like a big step up from PS 4?
It's no Knack 3 though is it? (It does look lovely)
This does look like a very smart spin on the action platformer, though, with that SSD being pushed for some interesting gameplay ideas.
R&C to be 4k 60?
This one's all about the SSD.
Well, that does look like a very good time.
looks like a wii-u game
There's no higher praise!
Sqaure Enix, wiht a look at...
Oh I thought this was going to be Final Fantasy 16 for a while, but it's Project Athia, a pretty looking action platformer.
And it's a PS5 exclusive.
Project? So play it in four years?
I was not expecting to see the Annapurna logo tonight, but here we go - it's as good a guarantee of quality as you can get these days.
And it's got a cat in it so I'm there day one.
It's called Stray. I think you might be the cat in a world of melancholy robots and I think this game sounds perfect?
Anyway, that's one for 2021.
So how do we like the presentation so far? 8/10?
I'd actually go as far as to give it a Recommended so far.
Jim Ryan might have gone, but here's someone just as sexy - it's Hermen Hulst.
And he's showing off a new IP!
It's from Housemarque, which gets me excited.
It's got graphics!
And seems to be built around some kind of Groundhog Day concept, but with a bit more sci-fi thrown in.
It's third-person action that also looks to blend in some of the arcade shooting chops the studio is renowned for into its shooting.
And it's got a completely nonsensical name - Returnal.
And I really, really want to play it.
Sumo Digital are up next - this is a rollcall of all my favourite developers at the moment - with...
Sackboy: A Big Adventure! I think this one's been in the works for a while.
It looks like a more authored take on the LittleBigPlanet formula, which I'm more than okay with.
It's a game from Lucid, a lovely bunch of Liverpool des - and it looks a lot like Rocket League.
Oh wait, that's doing it a disservice.
It's car combat mixed with on-foot combat in a pretty exciting looking mix of styles.
The visuals haven't really wowed me so far - but the gameplay has, which is kind of more important to me.
Anyway, that was Destruction All-Stars - a tie-in with Destruction Derby, perhaps?
And we're onto something from Ember Lab which looks very pretty - it's another third person action platformer that looks (you can punch me for saying this) like a playable animated film.
I think I remember people saying that about Mario 64 when it was first shown off. I think we'll always be saying that at events like this.
Kena Bridge of Spirits, there, looking quite lovely.
A cracking pace to this showcase.
Here's some emo dinosaurs.
Goodbye Volcano High, which gives me storng Night in the Woods vibes.
Kudos to Sony for giving this platform to something other than the typical stabby neck stuff.
In fact, has anyone seen a neck be stabbed yet?
Lorne Lanning, who always seems like he's off his tits, shows a new Oddworld game. WHAT YEAR IS THIS.
It looks very Oddworld, but with more graphics. I'm good with that.
People love graphics.
Oddworld Soulstorm, there.
I've been hugely impressed by all this so far.
Oh man and bust out Shinji Mikami why won't you, who's going to show us Ghostwire for the first time.
At this rate they just need to get Treasure out to reveal a new game and pretty much all my fave devs will have made an appearance.
Ghostwire is a very strange looking supernatural FPS - which somehow gives me Maken X vibes.
Getting cult Dreamcast game vibes is no bad thing, of course.
As long as you follow it up with a new Bangai-O.
Go on Sony, you know you want to.
Superbrothers' new joint next.
Martin, we know you hate Horizon Zero Dawn. If they close the show with the sequel, please don't spoil the good vibes.
I don't hate it! I'm just not as smitten with it as some others are. And of course I'll be respectful.
It's still an 8/10 game tho.
Well, that Superbrothers game was a lot of atmosphere and not much else I could ascertain. What atmoshpere though!
Now this looks very 2008.
A chonky combat-focussed third person action game.
Oh, it's Godfall. Hello Godfall!
That was Godfall.
Hyper Light Drifter follow-up now, which I know we've seen before but I've forgotten its name and oh god there are so many games.
Solar Ash! It's got gravity in it, it's got an art-style like every indie game from the mid-teens and it's coming out in 2021.
Oh wow, and a new Hitman why not.
Calm your jets Sony my typing hands are hurting.
Next-gen Hitman is an idea I could very much get behind. Yes very please very thank you.
They didn't even let him stab a neck though. There must be a ban on it.
Good on them.
This is Hitman 3, and it's a conclusion to the trilogy. And here's the game in action.
I'm expecting CROWDS.
Ooh, no instead we get CLOUDS.
It's coming next January.
It's a look at the UI!
A very brief look at the UI. It looked well nice and, well - particle-y. I think that's what Digital Foundry would have said too.
A NEW ASTROBOT.
Astro's Playroom, that is.
Go on then, give us another game.
This looks mad and beautiful and ambitious - it's from Neostream, who Google tells me worked on a project called Little Devil Inside.
A man did a poop and all sorts of other stuff happened and I have no idea how this game works as it seems to be a ragtag collection of pretty much everything.
And it is Little Devil Inside! Well, there's something.
It's American netball now. Time for a toilet break?
NBA Jam looked better.
Hang on here's a game where you play as a strawberry, that piss can wait.
It's from the Octodad lot, and looks suitably off-beat.
With a bit more Keita Takahashi weirdness thrown in too.
And that be Bugsnax.
PlayStation's cuddliest mascot Shuhei Yoshida up for what can only be Demon's Souls.
And indeed it is. Sit back and enjoy!
That was the Demon's Souls remake. It looked a bit too... Cuddly?
That was one of the few disappointments so far for me, here's hoping it looks better in action.
Anyway here's a new Arkane joint so I'm going to just shut up and watch.
It's being made internally at Japan Studios, I believe.
Demon Souls looked a bit...cuddly?
The artstyle just seemed off and not grimy enough!
Time loops are the big thing in next gen, it seems - here's Arkane's take in this previously announced assassin sim.
It looks procedurally generated, but that could just be me.
Well, that looked - okay? I think it's one to play rather than watch though!
Here's some first-person horror.
And I reckon this could be Resident Evil 8.
Yup, it's definitely the RE Engine.
As rumoured, a more European take on the series. I wonder if VR will return? I certainly hope so.
Oooh stop you're making me blush.
This looks deliciously mad and over-the-top and WEREWOLVES.
And yes, it's RE8.
CHUNKY CHRIS REDFIELD TOO.
Has a Resi4 vibe...
Absolutely, and I'm onboard.
Now what is this?
It seems very Kojima, and that spacesuit chap looks a bit like Ludens.
Pragmata, this be.
It's a new Capcom IP.
Lord knows what is, but colour me intrigued.
MORE GAMES ARE COMING.
Someone has been smoking Kojima's stash.
I don't think I could take whatever he's smoking. It's the strong shit.
Here's a sequel to Horizon Zero Dawn, a perfectly enjoyable video game.
It has so much graphics.
Horizon Forbidden West is its name, and *that* looks pretty next-gen to me.
(Even if the artstyle looks a bit Glastonbury gift shop).
7/10 - Eurogamer (sorry).
That was PS5.
I, for one, was impressed.
Though I wouldn't mind a few more details like price and release date...
I hope they just end with a screen that says $599.
Ah no we're getting big balls floating around instead.
I daren't think about how much these graphic interludes cost them...
And there's the box!
It looks sleeck as hell - and a lot more out there than the frankly dull looking PS4.
Two different models, and one without a disc drive.
A MEDIA REMOTE WHAT IS THIS 2001
But yes that's a nice looking box.
Screw that though, here's Jim who's sexier than any console.
I wish they'd gone all out and made it Jim Ryan shaped.
No price today, nor a release date. it seems.
Maybe it's the fact this bottle of red is nearly done, but I thought the console looked alright?
belkin wifi extender lol.... that has to go global. Nice job haha
I can't unsee that now though...
Well, there are a lot of questions that remain after that.
Price and release date being the obvious ones, but I'd have loved to hear more about PSVR and how that fits in, maybe a bit more on back compat and some nitty gritty on the machine itself.
And the leap in visuals perhaps wasn't as big as some might have hoped. But! I thought it did a great job of showing off some of the gameplay possibilities of the new hardware, and showed a broad range of really great looking new games.
And not one neck was stabbed.
I'd say that's a win?
Now, of course, it's up to Microsoft to show us what it has up its sleeve (let's pretend that last Xbox show didn't happen).
No big wow moment, but I think we've moved on from that by this point - instead I saw a selection of games I'd very much like to play, many of them making the most of that SSD and a bit of extra grunt.
Now, how much would I be willing to pay to play all that? That's the big question, and one that must wait for another day.
I need the goddamn loo so I'm calling it a night. Take care all, stay well!
Thank you for joining us Kami, and thanks all of you - it was a pleasure, as always.
I'm now going to polish off the rest of this bottle of wine and wee in my garden. Good night all!