Whoooo are you, who-who, who-who? You are former Serial Crimes Unit investigator Ethan Thomas, forced to go solo following the mysterious disappearance of your partner. A string of gruesome murders have been committed and it's your job to find the committees. Ahh really wanna know.
Condemned 2 will introduce a brand new fighting system which will see you chaining both offensive and defensive moves together. You'll also get a new set of forensic tools to help with all that crime scene investigating. A variety of online modes will be on offer, including deathmatch, and you can set fire to tramps.
"It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to imagine Condemned 2 ending up very solid indeed," says Quintin. Find out whether his imagination's run away with him when the game hits PS3 and Xbox 360 on 14th March.
Dying for a pee: In Condemned 2, you can not only set fire to tramps but drown them in dirty toilets. Don't tell Tanya Byron.
Devil May Cry 4
Bye-bye Dante, with your hair the colour of cobwebs and your twin guns and your imaginative vision of the Christian afterlife filtered through a medieval world-view. Say hello to Nero, a young warrior with the ability to pull-off endless combos and an extra-strong right arm.
He's the star of the next instalment in the Devil May Cry series, although Dante does appear later on. Nero's quite a big deal because of his Devil Bringer powers, which include the ability to to grab enemies in mid-air and slam them into the ground, and leap great distances in a single bound. There's also a new Exceed system which lets you charge up your sword and go mental once you hit full throttle.
Back in September we spoke to producer Hiroyuki Kobayashi about his plans to take the series back to its roots. "Personally I was looking back to the original Devil May Cry," he told us. "Much as Resident Evil 4 came up with a complete new type of game within the context of the franchise, if I can do that again within the Devil May Cry franchise, I will be happy."
Devil May Cry 4 will be released on PC, PS3 and Xbox 360 on 8th February. A playable demo should pop up before then though.
Man versus beast: Hiroyuki Kobayashi is probably no relation to hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi, who is no match for a bear.
Alone in the Dark
According to the press release, the new Alone in the Dark game is "inspired by the gripping style of contemporary TV dramas". Presumably they mean The Wire rather than Doctors. According to Tom, it's "looking like more than a well-intentioned, handsomely gruesome attempt to drag survival-horror kicking, screaming and quite possibly transubstantiating into the next-generation". And he wrote that nearly two years ago, so it should be even spankier now.
The game sees Edward Carnby exploring Central Park over the course of one apocalyptic night. Apparently it is set to "break gaming clichés". The press release certainly won't, what with its promises of "stunning visuals", "advanced artificial intelligence", a "uniquely immersive interface" and "a new kind of entertainment experience".
Alone in the Dark is due out on PC and Xbox 360 some time before March. PS3, PS2 and Wii versions will follow later.
Horror movies: There are some nice videos of Alone in the Dark available on the gamepage, if you're feeling brave enough.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Yes yes the Wii version will let you swing a remote round like it's a lightsaber. But there are also DS, PSP and PS2 versions, don't forget, and they're all due out this spring.
Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is set in the era between Episodes III and IV. Playing as Darth Vader's "Secret Apprentice", you are on a mission to rid the universe of Jedi. Who knows where they got the idea. The Wii version will feature a multiplayer mode that lets you duel with a friend.
The Force Unleashed is "certainly the most interesting development in Star Wars franchise gaming since Knights of the Old Republic", reckons Rob. "It's got an extraordinary premise, some absolutely brilliant looking game mechanics and the full weight of LucasArts' undeniably vast development might behind it." Also it's Star Wars so an extra five points straight off.
Science never lies: Laboratory tests have now conclusively proved that the Star Wars prequels are just as good IF NOT BETTER than the original trilogy. FACT.