"This is a brief life, but in its brevity it offers us some splendid moments, some meaningful adventures." - Rudyard Kipling, Kim
It seems unlikely that when he wrote those words, Kipling was referring to a free-to-play mobile game. Yet what adventures more meaningful could there be than those on offer in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood? What moments more splendid than folding jumpers in a clothes shop, going on a date with a man called Dirk Diamonds and starring in a mid-level ad campaign for a fictional brand of window cleaner?
As Kipling might have written were he alive today: "If you can keep your hair in check while Dirk Diamonds' ex is talking trash about you on Twitter, then you'll be a man, my son. BIBLE."
Basically, I was supposed to review Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, but even I, an ex-Farmville fanatic and recovering Candy Crush addict, struggled to see the point. So instead, here's a round-up of some other celebrity-inspired video games.
The Shaky Game
This 1983 Spectrum classic stars the Welsh Elvis himself. With its innovative core concept of driving a car round a maze, it was in many ways an early predecessor to Grand Theft Auto.
"You have to help me reach the ole house of vampires before my fuel runs out," explains Shaky himself, via some on-screen text. "I'll be satisfied if you get on the chart, but if it's raining and if you reach the house quickly you might win something," he adds cryptically.
Worth playing if only for the game over screen, where Shaky's disembodied head announces, "OH DEAR! A bat bit you."
SHAKY FACT: I tweeted Stevens himself to ask whether he played his own game. He replied: "Hey Ellie, Shaky only played 'The Shaky Game' when promoting his 1983 album, but didn't own a Spectrum at the time. Score: 7/10."
Obviously this raises more questions than it answers. Does Shaky have a Spectrum now? Whose Spectrum did he borrow in 1983 - Bonnie Tyler's, perhaps? Does Shaky always talk about Shaky in the third-person? Bonnie Tyler has yet to respond to requests for comment, but we'll keep you posted.
Emulator available via World of Spectrum.
Jolie-Pitt Family Dress-Up
Brad and Angelina are just like the rest of us - they love to relax at home on their DFS sofa, watching Friends repeats and sharing funny lists on Kofi Annan's Facebook page (18 UN Resolutions Even Israel Can't Ignore!)
Now you can share that special time with the help of Jolie-Pitt Family Dress-Up. Style Brange however you see fit, with a huge range of clothes including everything from jumpers to trousers. All while listening to what sounds like an instrumental from the soundtrack to Arthur.
After that, it's time for a family photo. Weirdly, you can only choose where the white children sit. The others are then randomly positioned by the game, with the black child always stuck behind the sofa with just his head poking out. In a hoodie, obviously.
Play it for free but pay with your soul at Girls Go Games.
"After rescuing all the children on a level, Bubbles the chimpanzee will be magically carried to Michael where he will rest on his shoulders and point Michael in the direction of the level's boss battle." Thank you, Wikipedia.
You can watch the original advert for Moonwalker on YouTube, if only for the amazing tagline, "GENESIS DOES WHAT NINTENDON'T." Which sadly does not include respecting the rules of grammar.
Give My Regards to Broad Street
Clearly inspired by the success of The Shaky Game, Paul McCartney starred in his own adventure two years later. Give My Regards to Broad Street puts a new spin on the classic drive-round-a-maze-avoiding-bats formula by putting Macca in the driving seat. And not featuring any mazes or bats.
The action highlight is Paul McCartney trying to avoid parking tickets outside Tube stations as he follows wife Linda, bandmate Ringo and producer George around 80s London.
To get a full picture of the fast-paced thrills and spills on offer here, check out this walkthrough from Crash! magazine: "Go to Holland Park at 9.16, to Kilburn at 10.04, Elephant and Castle at 11.40, Holland Park at 13.00, Covent Garden at 13.30, West Kensington at 14.38, and Regent's Park at 15.22."
Jedward's Big Adventure
Until recently, fans had to rely on Twitter for a glimpse into the Jedward hive mind (sample tweet: "Imagine If You Could Taste Words :) What Words Would You Taste ?").
But now you can join them on a historical journey in Jedward's Big Adventure Game. Choose to play as John or Edward - it's like Sophie's Choice, if Sophie really hated both her children. Pleasingly, the quiff of the one you don't pick collapses into a flaccid mound.
Tear up your TV licence and weep for the Reithian dream over at BBC.co.uk.
Samantha Fox Strip Poker
Back in the 80s, it was considered totally acceptable for a family newspaper to objectify and degrade women on a daily basis by devoting a full page to a photo of a half-naked teenager. Oh wait, it still is! Ha ha ha.
Anyway, this poker sim came out in 1986. Sam begins the game attired as if attending a fancy dress party as the invisible man. But play your cards right and eventually you do get to see her boobs, albeit in such poorly pixellated form you can only make out one nipple. Sort of.
See for yourself thanks to the miracle of YouTube.
Not to be outdone by the huge success of his wife's free-to-play iOS title, Kanye West has his own game: Kanye Zone. It's a Flash effort that involves trying to stop Kanye's head from invading a purple circle. It is surprisingly playable. Unlike Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, which is shallow, repetitive and mindless. Unlike Candy Crush.
You can play Yeezy's game over at Kanyezone.com.
Still bored? Play the amazing Kanye or Hitler? quiz from brilliant comedy duo Garfunkel and Oates.
A hilarious platforming adventure where you must sneak aboard the royal train to meet your mistress the night before marrying your ex-girlfriend's 19-year-old sister. Oh no, that is of course the 1983 Spectrum version of Royal Wedding. This one is a modern-day hidden object game, in as much as any hidden object game can be considered modern.
"Today's the big day! Can you help me tidy up?" says Prince William, as if he doesn't have an army of butlers who not only tidy up after him but buff the seat of his trousers every time he farts. "Kate will go mad if she sees my room like this!" Quick! Hide all the violent pornography and poppers!
See what video game developers imagine the inside of Prince William's bedroom looks like over at Miniclip.com.
Benny Hill's Madcap Chase
An amusing romp for the ZX Spectrum starring the popular funnyman and sexist. Laugh till your sides split as you race through 15 similar-looking screens with the ultimate goal of nicking a bra off a washing line.
"I loved it when Benny hit something or the lady chasing him had a fit," wrote the Crash! magazine reviewer, praising the game's "pseudo 3D" graphics (84 per cent) but not quite so convinced by the "playability" (83 per cent).
More reviews and emulators are available over at World of Spectrum.
Many thanks to all those who contributed ideas for this article via Facebook and Twitter including Paul David Collins, Dan Whitehead, Will Stephenson and Shakin' Stevens.
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