Random rants that don't warrant their own threads Page 430

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  • GarlVinland 14 Feb 2018 10:23:44 2,675 posts
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    GoatApocalypse wrote:
    quadfather wrote:
    So....

    Is this 23 year old single then, yeah?
    Funnily enough, she is not.
    Cheating with a cheater is the absolute worst idea. Trust me, I KNOW.
  • phAge 14 Feb 2018 10:25:22 25,464 posts
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    Decks wrote:
    I was 30 when I met my girlfriend who was 23 at the time and let me tell you, 23 year olds are great. Their skin is all soft and they have beautiful perky breasts and incredibly firm buttocks.

    Hope this helps.
    Are you... still 30? And does your woman... work in an office?

    :o
  • mrpon 14 Feb 2018 10:28:07 34,097 posts
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    Two words, Tammy Jung.



    Hope this helps.
  • Decks Best Forumite, 2016 14 Feb 2018 10:31:32 12,553 posts
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    phAge wrote:
    Decks wrote:
    I was 30 when I met my girlfriend who was 23 at the time and let me tell you, 23 year olds are great. Their skin is all soft and they have beautiful perky breasts and incredibly firm buttocks.

    Hope this helps.
    Are you... still 30? And does your woman... work in an office?

    :o
    I'm 37 and she's now 30 and has bore my child. While still somewhat perky there's a sort of wistful melancholy about her breasts now.
  • quadfather 14 Feb 2018 10:45:58 30,411 posts
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    Basically, she's fed up with her relationship. She's seen something nice and will use that to whatever means necessary to get out/jump ship of her current situation.

    That won't be smooth, and it'll cause all kinds of problems with her current bloke. (Obviously not to mention your now wrecked marriage, kids, lost the house etc).

    It'll be a split of various % where she'll either realise what a completely fucked up situation it all is and runs back to Captain Dickhead and never does anything so stupid again (or read: until she's fed up again), or realise that it was all a pipe dream with you and she actually doesn't feel like it now anyway, at which point she'll probably surprise surprise, end up back with dickhead. Or go on a rebound bender.

    Either way, she'll be in an absolute nightmarish position and certainly not in a position to start a new relationship.

    And you'll have lost everything and have fuck all at the end of it, including 23 year old, who'll either be back with potato man, or sectioned/drip feeding herself drugs.

    Yeah, I'd be reaching for that bag of wotsits instead I reckon.
  • Armoured_Bear 14 Feb 2018 10:48:32 21,289 posts
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    quadfather wrote:

    Yeah, I'd be reaching for that bag of wotsits instead I reckon.
    I'm trying to work that euphemism out..
  • JamboWayOh 14 Feb 2018 10:54:57 5,337 posts
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    This is getting a bit boring now, if you're going to fuck her, which I think deep down you really want to, then just get on with it. As others have said there's a younger woman who flatters your ego, especially when you've said that you don't really have sex with your wife anymore.

    Your options are fuck the young colleague and see where the chips may lay or more better have a serious conversation with your wife because there's obviously a problem there, because the fact is your head has been turned because you've had some attention paid to you in what feels like decades.
  • quadfather 14 Feb 2018 11:08:08 30,411 posts
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    I know, why don't we give her my number?

    That way, Mr Goat doesn't have to lose his marriage, and 23 year old can use me to get out of her relationship. It's win/win
  • JamboWayOh 14 Feb 2018 11:13:50 5,337 posts
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    quadfather wrote:
    I know, why don't we give her my number?

    That way, Mr Goat doesn't have to lose his marriage, and 23 year old can use me to get out of her relationship. It's win/win
    Nah mate, I think you should stay and get more reacquainted with your knitting. I'll take her number and show her the bright lights and crack houses of Birmingham, then back to my place for a glass of Lidl Prosecco and an Iceland microwave turkey dinner.
  • quadfather 14 Feb 2018 11:15:43 30,411 posts
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    I can beat all of that except the turkey dinner.
  • macmurphy 14 Feb 2018 11:20:35 2,848 posts
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    Decks wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    Decks wrote:
    I was 30 when I met my girlfriend who was 23 at the time and let me tell you, 23 year olds are great. Their skin is all soft and they have beautiful perky breasts and incredibly firm buttocks.

    Hope this helps.
    Are you... still 30? And does your woman... work in an office?

    :o
    I'm 37 and she's now 30 and has bore my child. While still somewhat perky there's a sort of wistful melancholy about her breasts now.
    I’m using this expression. It’s absolutely genius. The only women I get with these days have boobs that are downright depressed. A couple I can only describe as suicidal.
  • DrStrangelove 14 Feb 2018 11:28:53 12,019 posts
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    macmurphy wrote:
    Decks wrote:
    I'm 37 and she's now 30 and has bore my child. While still somewhat perky there's a sort of wistful melancholy about her breasts now.
    I’m using this expression. It’s absolutely genius. The only women I get with these days have boobs that are downright depressed. A couple I can only describe as suicidal.
    No need going that low

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 11:29:27 14-02-2018
  • Salaman 14 Feb 2018 11:49:42 22,961 posts
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    GoatApocalypse wrote:
    This may be a product of the fact that Little GoatApocalypse has seen very little action over the past two years and my libido has packed in and fucked off.

    Which is one of the reasons I'm very perturbed about the whole situation.
    Probably something to openly discuss with your wife and hopefully agree to work on together. Sexless relationships aren't healthy unless you happen to both be asexual.

    Hmm ... that makes me wonder how things are going with one of the dad's club members.
  • Salaman 14 Feb 2018 12:37:30 22,961 posts
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    quadfather wrote:
    I can beat all of that except the turkey dinner.
    There's no Iceland out in the sticks is there?
  • THFourteen 14 Feb 2018 12:39:17 47,321 posts
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    This thread is making me want to go watch pornhub
  • Alastair 14 Feb 2018 13:47:18 21,560 posts
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    GoatApocalypse wrote:
    To round out this farce, I just about thwarted a mugging earlier. Left me with a fat lip, a cracked phone screen and a bruised ego.

    Been a fucking strange few days.
    Has anyone made a breadbin lid gag yet?
  • Alastair 14 Feb 2018 14:14:46 21,560 posts
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    It seems they hadn't.
  • Fake_Blood 14 Feb 2018 14:19:37 8,198 posts
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    Decks wrote:
    I was 30 when I met my girlfriend who was 23 at the time and let me tell you, 23 year olds are great. Their skin is all soft and they have beautiful perky breasts and incredibly firm buttocks.

    Hope this helps.
    Yup, but then it's 4:15am and you're standing at the club waiting for her friends to come out because you're going to this other place after, but in your head you're already calculating how many hours of sleep you're going to get before you have to pick up the kids at your ex'es at 6pm.
  • RichDC 14 Feb 2018 14:28:12 7,643 posts
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    Alastair wrote:
    GoatApocalypse wrote:
    To round out this farce, I just about thwarted a mugging earlier. Left me with a fat lip, a cracked phone screen and a bruised ego.

    Been a fucking strange few days.
    Has anyone made a breadbin lid gag yet?
    @GoatApocalypse Why would you have a bruised ego? You thwarted the robbery. That makes you a hero. Heroes get the girl. The hot 23 year old girl with the pert breasts.

    *You don't actually get the girl. Please nobody going around trying to stop crime with hopes of being entitled to sex afterwards.

    Edited by RichDC at 14:30:15 14-02-2018
  • SolidSCB 14 Feb 2018 14:30:31 10,064 posts
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    Seems like it's already well under control with some well thought out decision making, so the next sensible move here is to smooth things over once and for all by popping a Valentine's card on her desk this afternoon. If that doesn't relieve any lingering sexual tension and send a firm message that you're not interested, I don't know what will.
  • DrStrangelove 14 Feb 2018 14:35:49 12,019 posts
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    Just piss on her desk and this whole matter is finished once and for all.
  • phAge 14 Feb 2018 14:38:03 25,464 posts
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    If there is one thing I've, ahem, observed it's that no women, absolutely none, find jokes about smelly minges amusing in the least. You should try a few of those to cool things down. Ideally while other female coworkers are around.
  • SolidSCB 14 Feb 2018 14:41:02 10,064 posts
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    If you fancy going up the poo chute might I suggest an additional box of Milk Tray to seal the deal.
  • Stickman 14 Feb 2018 15:00:33 29,726 posts
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    Remember; when you have a frank conversation with your wife about her not doing sex, make sure she knows that you could get it like THAT (click your fingers when you say that part) if you wanted.

    Which you don't, because you love her.

    But you could.

    If you wanted.
  • mrpon 14 Feb 2018 15:07:28 34,097 posts
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    SolidSCB wrote:
    If you fancy going up the poo chute might I suggest an additional box of Milk Tray to seal the deal.
    Literally?
  • phAge 14 Feb 2018 15:08:19 25,464 posts
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    This is good advice. Also, if your coworker is on Facebook, be sure to have her profile ready with pics. Women are very visual.

    EDIT: @Stickman

    Edited by phAge at 15:08:39 14-02-2018
  • DukeSilver 14 Feb 2018 15:11:45 2,862 posts
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    SolidSCB wrote:
    Seems like it's already well under control with some well thought out decision making, so the next sensible move here is to smooth things over once and for all by popping a Valentine's card on her desk this afternoon. If that doesn't relieve any lingering sexual tension and send a firm message that you're not interested, I don't know what will.
    I'd definitely do this. Some sort of message that emphasises just how good friends they are. "My Darling Tracy, if it wasn't for my wife I'd be ramming it right up your pooper this evening after a romantic dinner, just the two of us. I'm sad this can't happen because my wife might find out. Love from your FRIEND (with benefits, LOL) xxxxxx P.S. I don't get to have much sex these days so does a hand job count as cheating? xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxx"
  • SolidSCB 14 Feb 2018 15:23:14 10,064 posts
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    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I had a pokey bum wank
    While thinking of you

    If that doesn't tell her you're off limits, I don't know what will.
  • Stickman 14 Feb 2018 15:25:01 29,726 posts
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    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I came pretty close
    But didn’t cheat on you
  • Load_2.0 14 Feb 2018 15:26:31 26,066 posts
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    Stickman wrote:
    Remember; when you have a frank conversation with your wife about her not doing sex, make sure she knows that you could get it like THAT (click your fingers when you say that part) if you wanted.

    Which you don't, because you love her.

    But you could.

    If you wanted.
    Write it on the wall in blood or shit so she knows you're serious and not a poof.
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