Enrage yourself

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  • Deleted user 24 October 2013 22:02:34
    Someone linked to this thing on facebook. I read it and nearly threw a brain clot, so I wanted to spread the sheer Middle Class rage.

    Items to note:

    Other animals chew the cord off shortly after birth, but as a vegan, this option did not appeal to me.
    I believe we can learn from nature as parents. Let's observe and learn from the wisdom of animals in the wild.
    Due to the damp environment where we lived and because we also chose to wrap plastic around the cloth, the placenta did not dry out as well as it should have and did leave a musty smell for the last few days.
    After six days of healing and bonding, we woke up one morning to find our baby Ulysses had gripped hold of the cord and detached it by himself, leaving a neat and healthy-looking belly button.
    After six days of healing and bonding, we woke up one morning to find our baby Ulysses
    baby Ulysses
    baby Ulysses
    Oh, and they all sleep in one family bed all together.

    Good luck in life, kid.
  • MrTomFTW Moderator 24 Oct 2013 22:05:53 39,761 posts
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    ULYSSES ULYSSEEEES
    SOARING THROUGH ALL THE GALAXIEEES

    Follow me on Twitter: @MrTom
    Voted by the community "Best mod" 2011, 2012 and 2013.

  • RedSparrows 24 Oct 2013 22:06:13 24,235 posts
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    Nature k
  • IMO 24 Oct 2013 22:06:49 5,742 posts
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    After six days, even the baby didn't want to be tethered anymore! I don't think it's all that bad really though.

    Am I the only one who thinks Ulysses is actually a pretty cool name?
  • FuzzyDuck 24 Oct 2013 22:06:50 4,905 posts
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    Kid's gonna turn out like Walter from The Big Lebowski.
  • Deleted user 24 October 2013 22:07:15
    Poor Ulysses doesn't stand a chance with those peanuts as parents.

    After hearing numerous stories from other women who had birthed with the medical profession, I did not feel reassured that I would be fully supported. For these reasons, I chose to only have my husband present at the birth.
    Yes. That long-haired grinning goof will be far more reliable than a fully qualified healthcare professional. Absolutely. Good call there horse face.

    Edited by BillCityfingers at 22:09:24 24-10-2013
  • StarchildHypocrethes 24 Oct 2013 22:07:25 26,601 posts
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    I didn't think it was possible to think a two and half year old child looks like a proper bellend.

    Ulysses has proved me wrong.
  • Deleted user 24 October 2013 22:09:07
    IMO wrote:
    Am I the only one who thinks Ulysses is actually a pretty cool name?
    It's a cool name if you're a man carved from oak living in ancient Greece or the year 1884. Not a cool name when you're a four year old living in Tunbridge Wells.
  • MrTomFTW Moderator 24 Oct 2013 22:10:15 39,761 posts
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    @FuzzyDuck More like Jesus I think.

    Follow me on Twitter: @MrTom
    Voted by the community "Best mod" 2011, 2012 and 2013.

  • neilka 24 Oct 2013 22:13:22 16,531 posts
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    Isn't his dad Aphex Twin?

    BAAANG!!!!! EXPLOTION!!!!!

  • Deleted user 24 October 2013 22:13:32
    I dug a little deeper and found her personal blog. Apparently that child who has the cold dead eyes of a killer was breasfed until the age of three and was denied shoes because "contact with the earth has natural healing energies that heal us from damage from mobile phone masts".
  • IMO 24 Oct 2013 22:18:26 5,742 posts
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    meme wrote:
    IMO wrote:
    Am I the only one who thinks Ulysses is actually a pretty cool name?
    It's a cool name if you're a man carved from oak living in ancient Greece or the year 1884. Not a cool name when you're a four year old living in Tunbridge Wells.
    When you put it like that...
  • Deleted user 24 October 2013 22:19:13
    and sunglasses are apparently evil

    and that you should teach your child two languages simultaneously, even if you yourself don't speak said language

    and that shyness means they're sensitive to natural energies in the air

    and conjunctivitis is caused by a child getting angry and wanting to block their view from what angers them

    I can categorically deny that last one, as my eyes have yet to crust over from reading this steaming pile of rotting placenta.
  • Carlo 24 Oct 2013 22:22:14 18,220 posts
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    MrTomFTW wrote:
    ULYSSES ULYSSEEEES
    SOARING THROUGH ALL THE GALAXIEEES
    Bringing peace and justice to allllllllllllllllllllllll!

    PSN ID: Djini

  • Mr-Brett 24 Oct 2013 22:23:43 12,894 posts
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    That's not middle class, it's hippy/mental.

    Also I can sympathise with not wanting to bite the cord but I don't think that's the only option, could be wrong.

    Level 37 Social Justice Warrior

  • mothercruncher 24 Oct 2013 22:24:18 7,819 posts
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    I thought the title said Engorge yourself.

    I wished the title said Engorge yourself.
  • Deleted user 24 October 2013 22:25:14
    A perfectly innocent child, born healthy and ready to embrace the world.



    And those two morons have fucking broken him.
  • sherpa1984 24 Oct 2013 22:33:15 303 posts
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    Newborn + placental cord + plastic bag = solid parenting
  • jonsaan 24 Oct 2013 22:34:17 25,440 posts
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    Engorge yourself.

    FCUTA!

  • FuzzyDuck 24 Oct 2013 22:40:29 4,905 posts
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    @MrTomFTW

    Either way, he'll probably be know as "The Placenta Killer" in 20 or so years.

    Fucking mentallers.
  • Bremenacht 24 Oct 2013 22:46:03 19,663 posts
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    Enlarge yourself

    /eats cake
  • Cadence 24 Oct 2013 22:49:19 1,696 posts
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    This thread has made my evening. Thanks guys.
  • bbvDJC 24 Oct 2013 22:51:07 1,766 posts
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    I can't stop laughing.

    Why is this actually a thing?
  • spamdangled 24 Oct 2013 22:55:44 27,444 posts
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    ...

    I want to eat my own head after reading that.

    I feel really sorry for "Ulysses". Hell, I'd argue its worth a social services intervention.

    Edited by darkmorgado at 23:12:00 24-10-2013

    3DS: 4055-2781-2855 Xbox: spamdangled PSN: dark_morgan Wii U: Spamdangle Steam: spamdangled

  • RedSparrows 24 Oct 2013 22:58:07 24,235 posts
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    jonsaan wrote:
    Engorge yourself.
    It's later than you think...
  • MightyMouse 24 Oct 2013 23:02:29 1,144 posts
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    Well she's a bit nuts, but it's hardly the worst kind of nuts she could be. There are a lot of parents out there who are far worse.
  • President_Weasel 24 Oct 2013 23:05:15 9,659 posts
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    People are fully entitled to be fucking idiots and believe what they like, but their idiocy should not be allowed to endanger a child. Tarquin Ulysses Thundercunt the Third, or whatever his name is, should be taken from them and raised by people who accept the scientific method and modern medicine.

    Also that lady should be repeatedly smashed in the face with an ethically harvested naturally fallen heavy branch so that its natural healing properties can help energise her brain


    /didn't even read the thing
    /isn't entirely sure it's not a parody
    /is enraged anyway
  • ResidentKnievel 24 Oct 2013 23:18:48 6,291 posts
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    President_Weasel wrote:Tarquin Ulysses Thundercunt the Third
    Can I get a mod to change my username to this, plzthx

    [code]Armoured_Bear wrote:
    Unlike yourself, I don't have a weird obsession with any platform.[/code]

  • gallow 24 Oct 2013 23:30:43 493 posts
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    Sounds like a story from the Modern Parents in Viz.
  • DrStrangelove 25 Oct 2013 01:50:05 4,654 posts
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    I thought I'd stop at "natural parenting", but this blows my mind.

    I feel fucking sorry for the child who is object to this "natural parenting". If it won't kill itself later, it will need a huge lot of therapy.

    I'm inclined to think this is a joke, but it seems just too absurd to be a joke. Only reality can pull off something like this.

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 01:51:47 25-10-2013
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