Making friends as an adult Page 12

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  • RightBean 2 May 2013 12:09:48 636 posts
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    Something in common, it is unlikely really. More likely attraction/chemistry driven, which is why you enjoy their company.
  • LeoliansBro 2 May 2013 12:10:42 43,284 posts
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    THFourteen wrote:
    People never intend to cheat.
    Yes they do.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • twelveways 2 May 2013 12:14:07 3,870 posts
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    I think it is strange, well, not so much strange as unusual.

    I live in an expat community and everybody knows everybody, when two people of the opposite sex start spending a disproportionate amount of time together the gossip starts, 9 times out of 10 it turns out to be true, the other 10% either keep it a well hidden secret or maybe it isn't true. Either way, most of the time it is true.

    I have female friends but I couldn't ever imagine being close with them, unless I was single and needed to talk to someone about feelings with or unless I wanted to bone them, maybe I am just shallow or maybe I am more of a lads lad (beer, football, girls etc).
  • Benno 2 May 2013 12:14:20 9,804 posts
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    Armoured_Bear wrote:
    mowgli wrote:
    FWB wrote:
    It's an unwritten rule your YOUR relationship, and who am I to tell you what you and your partner expect of one another. But it certainly isn't a social norm. Not that I would say my approach is either. Whatever works for each person. But I do believe it is a security and trust issue, no matter how you might dress it up.

    Of course you might find a female mate attractive, but you can control that, drunk or not.

    How many relationships have you had mowgli?
    Of course in MY relationship. We are all different, which is why you're lucky enough to find someone that thinks like you and I am lucky enough to find someone that thinks like me. There is no point talking about a fixed guide to relationships as it just doesn't exist. And no I don't believe it is a security and trust issue, it is too easy to dismiss as that but it isn't. It just so happens that in our relationship we feel that type of thing to be inappropriate (going out with a girl you've just met), while going out with a girl you've been friends with for years is fine (while other couples might be different on this point). It's just an odd, abnormal (for our way of thinking) situation to be in. It isn't that she is worried about me cheating on her, if anything it is that it is just such an strange thing to do (in our way of thinking) that is any cause for concern.

    This is my only serious relationship, so one. Been together for ever and I wouldn't change a thing and it is this shared trust and respect that is the reason.
    If you have all this trust and lack of suspicion, why is it such a strange thing to do?
    What is so strange about having something in common with and enjoying the company of someone of the opposite sex?
    Here's a hint : It's not strange.
    What happens if your partner stopped over at the other person's place? No need to sleep on the couch, you have complete trust, may as well sleep in their bed right? Wouldn't that be a little bit weird?
  • Deleted user 2 May 2013 12:18:53
    Benno wrote:
    Armoured_Bear wrote:
    mowgli wrote:
    FWB wrote:
    It's an unwritten rule your YOUR relationship, and who am I to tell you what you and your partner expect of one another. But it certainly isn't a social norm. Not that I would say my approach is either. Whatever works for each person. But I do believe it is a security and trust issue, no matter how you might dress it up.

    Of course you might find a female mate attractive, but you can control that, drunk or not.

    How many relationships have you had mowgli?
    Of course in MY relationship. We are all different, which is why you're lucky enough to find someone that thinks like you and I am lucky enough to find someone that thinks like me. There is no point talking about a fixed guide to relationships as it just doesn't exist. And no I don't believe it is a security and trust issue, it is too easy to dismiss as that but it isn't. It just so happens that in our relationship we feel that type of thing to be inappropriate (going out with a girl you've just met), while going out with a girl you've been friends with for years is fine (while other couples might be different on this point). It's just an odd, abnormal (for our way of thinking) situation to be in. It isn't that she is worried about me cheating on her, if anything it is that it is just such an strange thing to do (in our way of thinking) that is any cause for concern.

    This is my only serious relationship, so one. Been together for ever and I wouldn't change a thing and it is this shared trust and respect that is the reason.
    If you have all this trust and lack of suspicion, why is it such a strange thing to do?
    What is so strange about having something in common with and enjoying the company of someone of the opposite sex?
    Here's a hint : It's not strange.
    What happens if your partner stopped over at the other person's place? No need to sleep on the couch, you have complete trust, may as well sleep in their bed right? Wouldn't that be a little bit weird?
    You've got to be pretty insecure to worry about that.
  • Armoured_Bear 2 May 2013 12:22:18 10,318 posts
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    mowgli wrote:
    Benno wrote:
    Armoured_Bear wrote:
    mowgli wrote:
    FWB wrote:
    It's an unwritten rule your YOUR relationship, and who am I to tell you what you and your partner expect of one another. But it certainly isn't a social norm. Not that I would say my approach is either. Whatever works for each person. But I do believe it is a security and trust issue, no matter how you might dress it up.

    Of course you might find a female mate attractive, but you can control that, drunk or not.

    How many relationships have you had mowgli?
    Of course in MY relationship. We are all different, which is why you're lucky enough to find someone that thinks like you and I am lucky enough to find someone that thinks like me. There is no point talking about a fixed guide to relationships as it just doesn't exist. And no I don't believe it is a security and trust issue, it is too easy to dismiss as that but it isn't. It just so happens that in our relationship we feel that type of thing to be inappropriate (going out with a girl you've just met), while going out with a girl you've been friends with for years is fine (while other couples might be different on this point). It's just an odd, abnormal (for our way of thinking) situation to be in. It isn't that she is worried about me cheating on her, if anything it is that it is just such an strange thing to do (in our way of thinking) that is any cause for concern.

    This is my only serious relationship, so one. Been together for ever and I wouldn't change a thing and it is this shared trust and respect that is the reason.
    If you have all this trust and lack of suspicion, why is it such a strange thing to do?
    What is so strange about having something in common with and enjoying the company of someone of the opposite sex?
    Here's a hint : It's not strange.
    What happens if your partner stopped over at the other person's place? No need to sleep on the couch, you have complete trust, may as well sleep in their bed right? Wouldn't that be a little bit weird?
    You've got to be pretty insecure to worry about that.
    Indeed.

    XBL : ecosse011172
    PSN : ecosse_011172
    NNID : armoured_bear

  • Benno 2 May 2013 12:22:50 9,804 posts
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    Are we talking about someone new? or an old friend here?
  • Deleted user 2 May 2013 12:29:12
    Deleted

    Edited by mowgli at 12:33:06 02-05-2013
  • psychokitten Moderator 2 May 2013 12:30:04 7,794 posts
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    I wrote a big reply and then just removed it, becauase.... urgh.

    As someone who has mainly "male" interests, this thread and some people's opinions are a little depressing. I can't imagine being with someone that would basically tell me I can't have opposite-gender friends. Most of my friends (including some close friends) are male.
    There's still this weird perception in society that men and women can't be friends without there being something more to it.
  • LockeTribal 2 May 2013 12:38:45 4,498 posts
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    Am I allowed to have female friends if they have boyfriends/partners/whatevers then? Is it only single women I'm not allowed to be friends with?

    EDIT: I'm not being serious by the way, just in case anyone thinks I am. Anyone who thinks you can't be platonic friends with the opposite sex has, in my opinion, trust issues.

    Edited by LockeTribal at 12:40:31 02-05-2013
  • Armoured_Bear 2 May 2013 12:42:43 10,318 posts
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    mowgli wrote:
    Ecosse, go please change your profile picture.
    Why?

    XBL : ecosse011172
    PSN : ecosse_011172
    NNID : armoured_bear

  • Armoured_Bear 2 May 2013 12:43:08 10,318 posts
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    LockeTribal wrote:
    Am I allowed to have female friends if they have boyfriends/partners/whatevers then? Is it only single women I'm not allowed to be friends with?

    EDIT: I'm not being serious by the way, just in case anyone thinks I am. Anyone who thinks you can't be platonic friends with the opposite sex has, in my opinion, trust issues.
    +1

    XBL : ecosse011172
    PSN : ecosse_011172
    NNID : armoured_bear

  • Deckard1 2 May 2013 12:43:40 27,265 posts
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    Armoured_Bear wrote:
    mowgli wrote:
    Ecosse, go please change your profile picture.
    Why?
    It's almost lunch time
  • FWB 2 May 2013 12:54:09 43,882 posts
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    It would be strange if your only experience with meeting new girls has ended up sleeping with them.

    But anyway, each to their own. If both are happy, who are we to judge?
  • FWB 2 May 2013 12:56:08 43,882 posts
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    I've shared a bed with female mates with nothing developing.
  • twelveways 2 May 2013 12:57:09 3,870 posts
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    @FWB
    You can get pills for that now
  • Benno 2 May 2013 12:58:15 9,804 posts
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    :D
  • Rusty_M 2 May 2013 13:00:06 4,595 posts
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    FWB wrote:
    It would be awesome if your only experience with meeting new girls has ended up sleeping with them.
    FTFY

    The world is going mad. Me? I'm doing fine.

  • twelveways 2 May 2013 13:00:44 3,870 posts
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    My missus used to sleep over at her gay friends house and share a bed but I stopped it when we started seeing each other, if she stays over now she sleeps on the sofa. I knew nothing would happen, he is the gayest man I have ever seen, I just think it is wrong, she agrees.

    It's all about respect, not just for each other but for the sanctity of the relationship.
  • psychokitten Moderator 2 May 2013 13:34:00 7,794 posts
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    Do you enforce this same restriction on her regarding her female friends?

    How exactly does it damage the "sanctity of the relationship"?
  • twelveways 2 May 2013 13:37:02 3,870 posts
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    I think sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex is something that should only be done with your partner, maybe I am a bit old fashioned, I dunno.

    I wouldn't mind her sharing a bed with another girl and I don't 'enforce' anything, I just told her I wasn't comfortable with it. We are very open with each other and have a great relationship.

    Everybody is different I guess, that's just the way we roll.
  • Deleted user 2 May 2013 13:41:13
    Agree 100% with twelveways. It isn't about not trusting them, it is about not feeling happy about it. You can act as open minded as you want but some people aren't happy about their wife/gf sharing a bed with another man (shock horror) and if your wife/gf respects your feelings they will not do that. My wife would never tell me what I can and cannot do, but I know she would not be too happy about a - completely innocent - sharing of a bed with a new girl. So I wouldn't do that.
  • Shikasama 2 May 2013 13:42:17 6,637 posts
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    FWB wrote:
    It would be strange if your only experience with meeting new girls has ended up sleeping with them.

    But anyway, each to their own. If both are happy, who are we to judge?
    Standard behaviour
  • Deleted user 2 May 2013 13:42:19
    psychokitten wrote:
    Do you enforce this same restriction on her regarding her female friends?

    How exactly does it damage the "sanctity of the relationship"?
    Because doing something your partner doesn't feel happy with when there is absolutely no need to isn't the sign of a strong partnership.
  • psychokitten Moderator 2 May 2013 13:42:19 7,794 posts
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    Well, you said you "stopped it", which gave an air of enforcing it.

    It's the sharing sex bit that IMO should be shared with only your partner. Sleeping in a bed with a platonic gay friend is entirely innocent, I don't see how this violates your relationship in any way, or why it's somehow different when it's a female friend.

    But maybe I'm a hippie. And/or just have a kick-ass gay bestie.

    Edited by psychokitten at 14:19:41 02-05-2013
  • Deleted user 2 May 2013 13:43:36
    psychokitten wrote:
    Well, you said you "stopped it", which gave an air of enforcing it.

    I think sharing sex is something that should be only done with your partner. Sleeping in a bed with a platonic gay friend is entirely innocent, I don't see how this violates your relationship in any way, or why it's somehow different when it's a female friend.

    But maybe I'm a hippie. And/or just have a kick-ass gay bestie.
    Some people would argue that sharing sex is something that shouldn't be exclusive to your partner. People are different. I would not be happy with my wife sharing a bed with another man, no matter how fabulous he was.
  • Mr_Sleep 2 May 2013 13:45:53 16,854 posts
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    mowgli wrote:
    My wife would never tell me what I can and cannot do
    I find that very hard to believe, women will always tell you what you can and cannot do, it's part of the wonders of a relationship! "That doesn't go in that cupboard" etc.

    You are a factory of sadness.

  • psychokitten Moderator 2 May 2013 13:46:05 7,794 posts
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    mowgli wrote:
    psychokitten wrote:
    Do you enforce this same restriction on her regarding her female friends?

    How exactly does it damage the "sanctity of the relationship"?
    Because doing something your partner doesn't feel happy with when there is absolutely no need to isn't the sign of a strong partnership.
    To each his own, and whatever works in your relationship. If you both have the same kind of opinions, then it's moot, and all that matters. Having said that, placing insecure restrictions on someone isn't a great sign of a strong relationship either. If your partner is happy with it, then sure, that's cool. But what if they're not? If I was in a relationship with someone and they felt I couldn't share a bed with my gay best friend or that I couldn't go for coffee with a male friend, it sure as fuck wouldn't be a "strong relationship".

    Couldn't live like that myself, but I never understood people stuck in restrictive relationships.
  • Shikasama 2 May 2013 13:50:53 6,637 posts
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    Why are you so determined to jump into bed with gay dudes? You're making this sound like a requirement rather than something that happened once because the hotel had no other rooms
  • Mr_Sleep 2 May 2013 13:51:15 16,854 posts
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    Oh and just to qualify my comments, men do the exact same thing.

    You are a factory of sadness.

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