Your job in a Metaphor

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  • LeoliansBro 18 Dec 2012 14:36:20 43,854 posts
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    So, I am blindfolded and given a small stick, and surrounded by a selection of hanging objects. I can hear them rustling, and need to him them with my stick. Some of them are pinatas, full of candy and if I hit them right, all that candy will fall to the floor. Many more of them though are big fuck-off nests of bees, and if I hit them, they send out legions of stinging angry warrior bastards and I need to defend myself from them before I can get on with the job of hitting stuff. Some of the bees have honey, it is true, which if I'm lucky will also fall to the floor. But some of the nests are hornets, and some are fucking Emperor Tiger Dragon Motherfuckers who will grab my stick if I'm not careful, then I'll be screwed.

    At the end of my go a wizened old git comes along and picks up all the goodies on the floor, and decides if I can have any and get to have a few more goes with my stick.

    This month is mainly hornets.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • Deckard1 18 Dec 2012 14:40:09 27,773 posts
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    So I've got this big bucket of cunts right, and I take this big bucket of cunts and put my face in. For 8 hours.

    Hush you ponce

  • Jeepers 18 Dec 2012 14:44:55 13,175 posts
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    Imagine a massive field. At one end of the field is a pen. At the other end, a massive bunch of spastics. Just outside the field are a bunch of spastic-eating wolves.

    I need to herd all the spastics from where they are into the pen where the wolves can't eat them.

    The spastics don't realise that they're supposed to be in the pen. The spastics don't realise that they're in danger of being eaten by spastic-eating wolves. In fact, the spastics don't realise very much. The spastics are mostly interested in gazing dully at their fellow spastics and dribbling.

    ...

    I hate those spastics.
  • kickerconspiracy 18 Dec 2012 14:45:58 495 posts
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    Imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.
  • elstoof 18 Dec 2012 14:47:49 7,040 posts
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    Jeepers wrote:
    Imagine a massive field. At one end of the field is a pen. At the other end, a massive bunch of spastics. Just outside the field are a bunch of spastic-eating wolves.

    I need to herd all the spastics from where they are into the pen where the wolves can't eat them.

    The spastics don't realise that they're supposed to be in the pen. The spastics don't realise that they're in danger of being eaten by spastic-eating wolves. In fact, the spastics don't realise very much. The spastics are mostly interested in gazing dully at their fellow spastics and dribbling.

    ...

    I hate those spastics.
    It's supposed to be in metaphor.
  • Jeepers 18 Dec 2012 14:48:49 13,175 posts
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    Oh.

    Imagine the spastics are sheep.
  • jablonski 18 Dec 2012 14:49:02 3,891 posts
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    People poo onto people below them. Those people in turn dodge the poos, and do some pooing of their own onto people below them. Those people do the same, but with the odd bit of poo hitting them. They wipe it off and shake and poo onto the people below.

    I am on the very bottom of this poo funnel. I cannot escape the poo, or poo on anyone myself, as below me is the very bottom, and any pooing I do splashes back on my trousers.
    And it's my job to clean the never ending torrent of poo.
  • Steve_Perry 18 Dec 2012 14:54:19 3,947 posts
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    In the late 21st century, an interstellar war between humans (associated as the Bilateral Terran Alliance, or BTA) and Dracs (a reptilian humanoid race) is fought. Human pilot Willis E. Davidge (Dennis Quaid) and Drac pilot Jeriba Shigan (Louis Gossett, Jr.) engage in a battle which results in both crash-landing on Fyrine IV, a strange, dark alien world with two moons, a breathable atmosphere, water and bizarre animal life.

    After initial hostilities, the two eventually learn to cooperate to survive. They work together to build a shelter for protection against meteorites. Over the next three years, they overcome their differences, become friends and learn each other's languages and cultures. Each saves the other's life several times.

    Davidge, haunted by dreams of spaceships landing on the planet, leaves in search of help. He finds evidence of humans, but learns that the planet has only been periodically visited by human miners known as "Scavengers", who use Dracs as slave labor. He returns to warn Jeriba (nicknamed "Jerry") to discover that Jeriba is pregnant. (Dracs reproduce asexually).

    A blizzard and an attack by a predator forces Davidge and Jeriba to flee their shelter. To pass the time Jeriba teaches Davidge his full lineage. Jeriba later dies during the childbirth, but not before making Davidge swear to take Jeriba's child back to the Drac Homeworld and recite his full ancestry so he can join Drac society.

    Davidge raises the child Zammis (Bumper Robinson) as his own. Davidge and Zammis form a very close bond, and although the young Drac refers to Davidge as its "uncle", it loves Davidge as a son would love a father. Davidge discovers Scavengers have returned to the planet, so he remains on guard should they run into any of the miners. However, Zammis is curious and goes to get a closer look at the ship. He is discovered by a pair of Scavengers, but Davidge, who has been following, attacks the brothers to save Zammis, but is gunned down. later, a BTA patrol ship finds Davidge, apparently dead and returns him to his base space station.

    On the station, during an impersonal funeral ceremony, Davidge suddenly awakens when a disposal technician tries to steal the book Jerry gave him years before to learn the Drac language. Davidge's old team vouch for his loyalty, even after the find he speaks the enemy's language fluently. Davidge is later reinstated to duty, but not as a pilot they want to make sure he wasn't brainwashed by the Dracs.

    Unable to get help in rescuing Zammis, Davidge steals a spaceship to find the child by himself. He manages to find the Scavenger ship and sneak aboard. Davidge speaks to the Drac slaves in their own language and convinces them to overcome their human overseers and find Zammis. Towards the end of the battle, Davidge is assisted by the BTA crew who pursued the stolen ship. They realize that whatever it was he experienced while missing in action (MIA) has made him more human; he no longer hates Dracs.

    VIVA STEFANSEN

  • jablonski 18 Dec 2012 14:59:33 3,891 posts
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    Would have been funny if you took the actor names out.
  • megastar 18 Dec 2012 15:00:06 17,176 posts
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    I'm a fireman, with a small garden hosepipe and an endless sea of fire infront of me to put out!
  • the_dudefather 18 Dec 2012 15:02:20 9,288 posts
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    It's arseholes all the way down

    (ง ͠ ͟ʖ ͡)

  • Steve_Perry 18 Dec 2012 15:05:02 3,947 posts
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    jablonski wrote:
    Would have been funny if you took the actor names out.

    VIVA STEFANSEN

  • JuanKerr 18 Dec 2012 15:05:20 36,241 posts
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    I'm a table polisher polishing endless tables. Once I've finished polishing one table, another is instantly put in front of me and the table I've just polished is sold for lots of money, of which an amount is given to me. This amount isn't big, but it's just about enough to keep me endlessly polishing tables.
  • sickpuppysoftware 18 Dec 2012 15:13:54 1,324 posts
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    I'm running the hate machine.
    To keep the hate machine running I must keep pressing F5.

    You cannot stop me with paramecium alone!

  • jablonski 18 Dec 2012 15:22:45 3,891 posts
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    Steve_Perry wrote:
    jablonski wrote:
    Would have been funny if you took the actor names out.
    Oh. A meme.
  • Stickman 18 Dec 2012 15:23:31 29,666 posts
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    You know the bit in Scream where Monica from friends is behind soundproof glass and Dewey is the other side and Scary face is closing in to fuck him up? And Monica is shouting and shouting at him to watch out because she can see what's going on even if Dewey can't, but the dumn fuck simply doesn't even get close to comprehending what's going on, so with a depressing inevitability he gets stabbed and fucked up.

    I'm Monica.

    /plays with nice tits.

    THIS SPACE FOR RENT

  • ModishNouns 18 Dec 2012 15:25:32 4,655 posts
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    Post deleted
  • Steve_Perry 18 Dec 2012 15:26:01 3,947 posts
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    jablonski wrote:
    Steve_Perry wrote:
    jablonski wrote:
    Would have been funny if you took the actor names out.
    Oh. A meme.

    Cheer up pal. It's Christmas.

    VIVA STEFANSEN

  • GuiltySpark 18 Dec 2012 15:28:06 6,369 posts
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    Getting shit on in the pitch black arctic.

    (Frozen food nights in a supermarket.)

    Edited by GuiltySpark at 15:28:16 18-12-2012

    Get bent.

  • DaM 18 Dec 2012 15:29:35 12,999 posts
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    I'm really hoping ModishNouns isn't an undertaker.
  • LeoliansBro 18 Dec 2012 15:31:30 43,854 posts
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    I had him as a playschool teacher.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • MrTomFTW Moderator 18 Dec 2012 15:32:39 37,900 posts
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    I'm God, I create life and grant wishes. Requests for new lives and wishes come from mortals who communicate to me through a team of angels.

    Sadly the angels are retarded and instead of creating lives and wishes I have to fix their fucking mistakes forever.

    Follow me on Twitter: @MrTom
    Voted by the community "Best mod" 2011, 2012 and 2013.

  • Deleted user 18 December 2012 15:40:00
    I paint the Sistine motherfucking Chapel, only I do it on paper with words, and then I repaint over it again because no-one wants to read the Sistine motherfucking Chapel, so I sit down quietly and watch Man Vs Food all afternoon instead.
  • localnotail 18 Dec 2012 15:40:51 23,093 posts
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    I am walking around a town centre wearing a sandwich board that reads "Watching reality TV shows is a waste of your life". Occasionally people acknowledge me. Sometimes people come up to me and rage in my face for not banning television completely because their child / gran has died after watching X-Factor.

    Edited by localnotail at 15:42:18 18-12-2012

    A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

  • Load_2.0 18 Dec 2012 15:46:42 19,157 posts
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    I serve soup to the homeless, some are grateful, some spit it out and some throw boiling hot soup in my face. Sometimes the soup is delicious sometimes it is not. I don't make the soup I just serve it up.

    People want the soup served as quickly as possible but then you might spill it. Sometimes the soup is late but you have to keep people calm because they are all hungry.

    Fucking soup.
  • Deleted user 18 December 2012 15:57:42
    I am a baker. I sit at my preparation area all day where people come in and give me ingredients and tell me to bake them a cake.

    The trouble is is that the cakes they want cannot be made with the ingredients they give me. Once, a frail old man came in and asked me to make him an iced fruit cake. I asked him for the ingredients and he gave me a bag of soiled nappies, a rusty service revolver and a dead spaniel. I attempted to explain that I couldn't possibly make him the cake that he wanted with those ingredients but he didn't care if it tasted or if it looked right, he just wanted it done.

    I spent far too long baking the dead spaniel and spreading the horrid nappies over the top with the rusty gun. Once I had finally finished I felt dead inside and was appalled at what I'd made.

    The old man came in the following day, paid for the cake and left without a word.

    Soon after, an insane farmer came in with a wasps nest and requested a tray of cupcakes.

    I cried a bit then accepted his request.
  • PazJohnMitch 18 Dec 2012 17:42:48 8,026 posts
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    I am like a dog trainer on one of those agility courses. I am trying to convince the dog to go through all of the obstacles. The dog however just ran to the table at the end and took a shit on it.

    Edited by PazJohnMitch at 17:44:51 18-12-2012
  • kickerconspiracy 18 Dec 2012 17:53:00 495 posts
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    I'm Batman.
  • mrpon 18 Dec 2012 17:53:22 28,785 posts
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    I design and build houses for people. More often than not (and normally when the house is built) these people decide that the house isn't right. Sometimes these are small things like a handle on a door or a letterbox. Other times they are big things, like "I didn't ask for a window there" when of course they really did ask for a window there.

    Once the house is complete, I show people how the house works. Simple things like press this button here to ring the doorbell. I often have to repeat these simple things to people because quite frankly they are simple people.

    Give yourself 5 or gig, you're worth it.

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