Give me £5 I'm worth it.
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|Comic Sans walks into a bar. The barman says 'sorry, we dont serve your type in here'.|
My man gives real loving that's why I call him Killer
He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, he's a thriller
Dirtbox wrote:Ahh, the Alabama Hot Pocket.
A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying,|
a man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"
Danny MacAskill gives me a boner
Why can I always rely on my friend, the baking rastafarian bird?|
He's my bread-wren.
The punchline is when his gangsta rapper friends dismember him.|
Edited by Dirtbox at 18:32:49 02-06-2014
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A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.|
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
XbL: Nades x
|I was in Greggs today and the stand where the sugar and stuff is had a sign saying 'Help yourself to condiments', so I said 'Cheers, I'm a swell guy and my new haircut is really fetching.'|
drhickman1983 wrote:I actually laughed at this.
|A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.|
"I'm a crepe. I'm a weird dough"|
stephenb wrote:Jimmy Carr by nature.....
|I know a really good joke. Can't be bothered to type it out here. Besides, I doubt it would work here in text form.|
|I went to the local corner shop the other day and asked "Please can I have a Kitkat Chunky?" The girl serving me burst into tears and said it's not her fault that she has a thyroid problem.|
Defecationqueen wrote:Now there's a new name for the Chocolate-bar: a Fatty-Kitkat
Last day in London before Richard moves to India. Sitting in a cafe with his best friend Tom.|
Richard: "you're my best friend Tom, and I really don't like to ask you this, but do you think you could lend me a thousand quid? I need them quickly, and you'll have them back this evening, I swear."
Tom: "Of course mate, anything."
Later that day, Richard visits Anne, Tom's wife, for the last time.
"Anne, I told you before that I love you, and now I'm going away and we'll never meet again. I beg you, sleep with me just one time. I'll be gone afterwards and no one will ever know."
"Richard, I told you, even if I wanted to, you're my husband's best friend, don't you realise what you're asking for?"
Richard then offers her a thousand quid, which convinces her after all.
In the evening, Tom comes back home. He asks Anne:
"Was Richard here today?"
Anne is alarmed: "...yes..."
"Did he give you a thousand quid?"
Anne's blood freezes in her veins: "...yes..."
"Knew it! Such a sincere guy!"
|In a dark club, she stands alone among the crowd. She needs to be mine. I slide across the dance floor. Leaning in close, my lips to her ear, I whisper, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?"|
Danny MacAskill gives me a boner
What do you call a sad coffee?|
99 problems and being ginger is one
What does Santa get for his lunch?|
An hour, just like every other cunt.
What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can say whilst wanking you off?|
I'm not really Willie Nelson.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?...|