Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 51

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  • Trowel 7 Aug 2013 19:56:48 17,910 posts
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    phAge wrote:
    Nipples wrote:
    This thread used to be funnier...
    Dunno - I LOL'ed fairly hard @ memes 17:23 post.
    Acts 17:23?

    For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.
    Appropriate.
  • Madder-Max 8 Aug 2013 23:33:37 11,660 posts
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    meme wrote:
    cubbymoore wrote:
    Gnnnng. It's not why is the chicken crossing the road, it's why did the chicken cross the road, all past tense, it's completed the act of crossing the road, therefore it could not have shown any intent of wanting to harm itself.
    While you may be correct that the chicken does not have a 'reason' for crossing the road because reasons (used precisely rather than as in common parlance) require intentionality with regard to their object, causes do not require intentionality and yet are at least as commonly if not more commonly the object of the interogative 'why' as reasons are.

    To put it simply, I may say that the cause of the chicken's crossing of the road was the action of a particularly strong gust of wind in that direction. This provides an adequate explanation for the phenomenon and answers the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" without imputing sentience or intentionality to the chicken's actions.

    I may further say (if I wish) that the chicken crossed the road to eat the grain on the other side. This both imputes intentionality to the chicken, adequately explains the phenomenon and answers the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But wait, you may be saying, you just told us that intentionality isn't necessary to answer the question. I did say that and I stand by it, but that does not mean that intentionality may not be involved in the answer to the question. In this case, however, the intentionality while needed to answer the question, is only tangentially related to the effect under examination. Specifically to answer the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" we are pointing out that the chicken intended to consume a certain pile of grain, and that the road was between the chicken and that pile. We still have not imputed to the chicken any knowledge of the road "as a road". Rather we have simply explained the conditions and the intentions which led to the action of the chicken crossing the road, whether or not the chicken had a full understanding of those conditions.

    Finally we must address the standard answer to the question: "To get to the other side." Again this answer imputes intentionality to the chicken's actions (the chicken did it 'to get' something) and it seems to imply a knowledge of the road (to understand 'the other side' the chicken must have knowledge of some object with two sides, understand that it is on one side of said object and desire to cross the object to reach the other side). Implied in this answer is that there is no further motivation other than getting to "the other side" and hence we cannot suggest that the answer simply left off the fact that there was a pile of grain on the other side which is the 'real' reason the chicken crossed the road. No. The chicken must have crossed the road for the sole and ultimate purpose of reaching the other side of "the road". How are we to reconcile this with the (most unassailable) assumption that the chicken has no knowledge of the road "as a road" and the need to allow this statement as a positive answer to the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" We have specified that the chicken has no knowledge of a road "as a road". However, we have never suggested that the chicken has no knowledge of the road "as something". What then is the nature of the road as the chicken perceives it? We would not be unjustified in suggesting that at the very least the chicken has access to its own sensory data. It then must have a knowledge of the road as the "extended-hard-flatspace". We need go no further in our suppositions. We have here a chicken with an exploratory bent who wishes to discover what lies beyond the "extended-hard-flatspace". This adequately explains the phenomenon, assigns to the chicken a state of intentionality, relates that state of intentionality to the road, and answers the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" with the statement "To get to the other side" all without in the least requiring that the chicken understand roads in the sense that we as humans understand roads.

    Jessop Jessop Jessop Jessop.
    So, basically, uuhhm, its a known known that the chicken crossed the road as it is past tense m'kaay. The reasons why are a known unknown because even if there was a huge pile of grain on the other side (the opposite one the side from which he/she began the crossing of the forementioned road) it is not a known known that to get to the grain was the objective and therefore the reason. The chicken may not have been hungry.

    These variable ooutcomes are not all known unknowns as there maybe outcomes that have not been considered or known thus rendering them unknown unknowns and as such there could be known unknown unknowns whci covers the variables.

    All of this however may fall into the category of unknown knowns if whatever crossed the road was not in fact a chicken but a creature in disguice or an autonomous man made mechanism designed to look like a chicken.

    99 problems and being ginger is one

  • RedSparrows 8 Aug 2013 23:36:09 23,327 posts
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    Just watched Boffins tell Jokes.

    All I learned was:

    Scientists have no sense of humour
    New York Jews are still the funniest
  • Madder-Max 8 Aug 2013 23:39:30 11,660 posts
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    What is the road? Is it a symbolic objective or milestone in the chickens life? What is the chicken?

    99 problems and being ginger is one

  • boo 9 Aug 2013 00:16:53 11,845 posts
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    It's a road, a chicken and a shit joke.

    Move on, people, nothing to see here.

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • muttler 9 Aug 2013 00:46:13 4,134 posts
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    Paddy and Murphy are piloting a 747 into Heathrow.  Paddy says, "So that's Heathrow, umm the runway looks abit short".
    Murphy says,

    "Aye, but look how fucking wide it is!"
  • phAge 9 Aug 2013 09:44:04 24,386 posts
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    Racist.
  • muttler 10 Aug 2013 11:16:11 4,134 posts
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    A man walks into a bar, asks for a pint. While he's waiting for his pint, he notices the most amazing piano music he's ever heard. He looks in the next room, and there's a tiny little dwarf playing the piano, but he's playing better than Gershwin or some shit. The barman pulls him a pint and the man says, "You know what, I've forgotten my wallet". The barman says, "Thats ok, go out side, next the pub there's an alley, in the alley there is a oil lamp, rub the lamp and a genie will appear and grant you any 1 wish, just ask for some money and then come back in and pay."

    So the man goes outside and finds the alley, sure enough in the alley is a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and the genie says, "I will grant you any wish". The man says, "I'd like a thousand bucks please". Straight away, it starts raining ducks from the sky. "Nooo!" says the man, "I asked for a thousand bucks not a thousand ducks"! He rubs the lamp again but the genie did not appear.

    Dejectedly, he walks back into the pub. The amazing piano music is still playing. He says to the barman, "I found the lamp, the genie appeared and I asked for a thousand bucks but he gave me a thousand ducks instead".

    The barman says, "Yeah, I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist!"
  • muttler 10 Aug 2013 11:22:42 4,134 posts
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    Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, when he sees his ex, Sheila, about to throw herself off the side of the bridge. He pulls his pick up to a stop, jumps out and says, "Sheila, Sheila love, what are you doin?!"

    "G'day Bruce" says Sheila, "You got me pregnant, so now I'm going to kill myself.

    "Strewth Sheila" says Bruce with a lump in his throat, "Not only are you a great shag, you're a real sport too!".
  • OptimusPube 11 Aug 2013 17:15:43 3,145 posts
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    One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
    Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
    The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
    Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
    The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
    Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

    Danny MacAskill gives me a boner

  • OptimusPube 16 Aug 2013 09:17:31 3,145 posts
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    How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One, she just waits for the world to revolve around her.

    Danny MacAskill gives me a boner

  • BillMurray 24 Aug 2013 22:36:48 7,805 posts
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    Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

    Because it has a silent pee.
  • craigy Staff 27 Nov 2013 11:22:02 7,722 posts
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    What is the Vatican's favourite method of payment over the Internet?

    PayPal.

    ...Papal.
  • Load_2.0 27 Nov 2013 11:40:55 19,445 posts
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    Good jokes, good jokes.... hmmmmm.

    After their account was occupied and their personal information available to strangers for several hours last night why was the user unable to update their 8 character password?





    Because they picked "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
  • Frogofdoom 27 Nov 2013 11:44:17 968 posts
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    Why did the sperm cross the road?

    I put the wrong sock on this morning.
  • bad09 30 Jan 2014 20:30:27 6,008 posts
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    How many tickles doe it take to make an Octopus laugh?

    Ten-Tickles!
  • Feanor 30 Jan 2014 20:34:24 14,180 posts
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    What type of key opens a banana?

    A monkey.
  • robc84 30 Jan 2014 21:07:00 5,804 posts
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    Feanor wrote:
    What type of key opens a banana?

    A monkey.
    I like that one :D
  • DisappointedDunceky 30 Jan 2014 21:48:27 154 posts
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    I don't see nothing funny about none of these packs of nonsense you guys refer to as jokes.
  • RedSparrows 30 Jan 2014 21:50:24 23,327 posts
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    Yeah, well, your face.
  • OllyJ 3 Feb 2014 15:12:52 3,297 posts
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    Ka-blamo wrote:
    What do gay horses eat?




    /In a camp voice

    HAYYYYYY!!
    This is still my favourite joke of all time.
  • AaronTurner 3 Feb 2014 15:15:18 7,787 posts
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    Do you like to eat fish sticks?
  • OllyJ 3 Feb 2014 17:41:15 3,297 posts
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    yes
  • muttler 22 Apr 2014 07:44:00 4,134 posts
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    Manchester United.
  • TheMayorOfJugs 22 Apr 2014 07:53:37 4,026 posts
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    How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

    YOU WOULDNT KNOW MAAAAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!
  • Nades 30 May 2014 09:47:28 1,395 posts
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    When my mum was in labour, the doctors had to pull me out by my legs.

    That's how excited I was to see my little brother.

    Liverpool FC
    _______

    XbL: Nades x
    PSN: iNaades

  • Gland 30 May 2014 09:50:45 78,478 posts
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    How do you get a gay to fuck a women?

    Shit in her cunt.

    +1 / Like / Tweet this post

  • mikew1985 30 May 2014 10:34:10 12,892 posts
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    :/
  • stephenb 30 May 2014 10:37:42 2,752 posts
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    Dirtbox by name.....

    PSN : v--WEDGE--v

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