What's New would like to take this rare opportunity to applaud the buying public of the United Kingdom.
Elevating BioShock to the position of Best Selling Game Of The Week after four hundred and eighty-seven years of Need For Speed based hegemony (I've not looked since Christmas 2005 - nothing's changed, right?) deserves recognition.
After all, it doesn't have cars in it, or "fat rims". It does have a wrench in it, but it probably isn't made by Burberry. That said, publisher 2K is well aware of the game's potential to stagnate as Need For Speed ProStreet finally sashays out the door aged 15 and starts sleeping with everyone who can work a condom, and so What's New is pleased to bring you news of a radical BioShock overhaul being put together by the publisher's Boston studio for release in the lead-up to Christmas. The update will introduce a range of new Plasmids and Physical, Combat and Engineering Tonics.
(Plasmid) Huddle Together Under Bus Shelter
Located in plain view on every thoroughfare. Useful for intimidating Splicers into crossing the road and pretending not to see you. 120 ADAM.
(Plasmid) Maccy-Dees For Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner
Never more than 5 minutes away, although intensifies corrosive effect on internal organs. 2.88 ADAM with free toy.
(Plasmid) Teenage Pregnancy
Stops working if you tell your parents. 0800 CHILDLINE.
(Combat Tonic) Shoulder Someone As You Walk Past
Activated when you deliberately align yourself to overlap the path of an oncoming pedestrian. Only works if you make sure said oncomer is smaller than you, because you are scared of taller or broader gentlemen who might stand up for themselves.
(Combat Tonic) Throw Chips On The Bus
Useful until you get called on it and then knife someone. 16-to-LIFE.
(Combat Tonic) Swear Loads In Supermarkets
Only do it when you're surrounded by two or three of your mates or else you'll look like a gibbering idiot rather than just an inconsiderate young person with no future. 0 GCSEs.
(Physical Tonic) Six Pints Of Wifebeater
Makes you good at pool. £2.80 a pop.
(Physical Tonic) Pretend You Are 50 Cent Even Though You're From Dulwich
Changes your speech patterns until everyone thinks you are incredibly cool. PERMANENT LOSS OF DIGNITY.
(Engineering Tonic) Drop Suspension So Much That You All Have To Get Out When Going Over Speed-Bumps
Which makes you feel good at 2am in the morning.
(Engineering Tonic) Borrow A Quid For The Bus
Because you spent the rest on fags and a greasy. Then call your parents instead.
(Engineering Tonic) Dress Like A Twat
Useful for making sure you never get a job and have to stop playing BioShock.
In the meantime, having witnessed BioShock's celebrated ascent, we were immediately drawn to an interesting correlation: BioShock wasn't even mentioned in last week's What's New. We can't imagine any other reason you all bought it.
So, with that in mind, coupled with the fact that Dear Leader has us writing all of our Games Convention previews and interviews up in the space of a week so we can go to a Special Place next week to review a Special Game, we'll be adopting a similar principle this week in refusing to name the games that we want to see at the top of the chart come Monday evening.
- Bonk 3: Bonk's Big Adventure (Wii Virtual Console - TurboGrafx-16)
- Boogie (Wii)
- Brian Lara Pressure Play (PSP)
- Cosmic Family (Wii)
- Dragon Ball Z: Goku Densetsu (DS)
- Dynasty Warriors DS: Fighter's Battle (DS)
- Guild Wars: Eye of the North (PC)
- Madden NFL 2008 (Xbox 360, Wii)
- Medieval II: Total War Kingdoms (PC)
- Sam & Max Season 1 (PC)
- Streets of Rage 2 (Xbox Live Arcade)
- Stuntman: Ignition (Xbox 360, PS2)
- Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix (Xbox Live Arcade, PSN)
- Tamagotchi: Party On! (Wii)
- Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 (Xbox 360, PS2, Wii, DS, PC)
- Vegas Stakes (Wii Virtual Console - SNES)
- WarHawk (PS3 - PlayStation Network)
- Worms Open Warfare 2 (DS, PSP)
P.S. No word yet on last week's shameless request - I'll keep you informed.