What's New? (25th May, 2007)

This week's PAL releases.

FADE IN:

INT. CARDBOARD BOX, MIDDLE OF WARZONE - DAY

287,000 BBFC CERTIFICATE STICKERS and UMDS sit next to one another in pitch darkness while SNAKE talks to GENE on codec. HUMOUR enters.

  • GENE: What's it going to be? Loyalty to the BBFC, or loyalty to yourself? Your legal obligation, or your desire not to have to go round all the shops and collect all the discs again? What kind of ratings board deserves this much loyalty, Snake?
  • SNAKE: The meaning of loyalty can change from one day to the next. A professional soldier never brings recall costs into the mission. Financial reports are fickle, they change with the accidentally-not-putting-stickers- on-discs- and-having-to- recall-the-entire-European- production-run. So long as we remain loyal to ourselves and get people to tell us about Godzilla films during quiet moments that help break up the action, sticker-putters-on like us need nothing else to believe in.
  • GENE: I don't want to call President Kennedy a liar, but I simply cannot imagine that in six years' time, man will have reached the moon and forgotten to put a BBFC sticker on it.

GENE falls over.

  • SNAKE: You put the first sticker on by hand, didn't you? I see what you were trying to do, but testing a technique you only heard about in the middle of a large-scale six-months-late PAL release wasn't very smart. You were asking to have your product recalled. Besides, I don't think you're cut out for putting stickers on discs; you tend to forget and then have to recall the entire production run. That's more of a revolver technique.

THE BOSS enters.

  • THE BOSS: Isn't it beautiful? It's almost tragic. When a UMD doesn't have a BBFC sticker on it, it gives off a final lingering aroma. Light is but a farewell gift from the darkness to those on their way to product recalls. I've been waiting, Snake, for a long time. Waiting for your birth, your growth, and the finality of today.

WHAT'S NEW enters.

  • WHAT'S NEW?: I used to be a humorous topical column about new game releases. But I think they wanted you of all people to know the truth. They wanted Portable Ops' re-release to live on in your memory, not as a massive farce, but as a woman. But she was forbidden to tell you herself. And that's why she told me. Snake, history will ever know what she did. No one will ever learn the truth. Her story... her debriefing, will endure only in your heart. Everything she did, she did for her country. She sacrificed her life and honour for her native land. She was a real hero. She was a true patriot.

THE FURY enters.

  • THE FURY: I am The Fury! The flames of my rage will incinerate you!

PUNCHLINE enters.

  • PUNCHLINE: I've forgotten my line.
  • THE BOSS: You're a soldier! Finish your mission! Show your loyalty! Face me.

HUMOUR evaporates.

THIS WEEK enters.

Comments (19)

Comments for this article are now closed, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!