Virtual Console Roundup
DoReMi Fantasy, Ys Book I/II, Spelunker, Chase HQ.
Spelunker
- Platform: NES
- Wii Points: 600
- In Real Money: GBP 4.20 / EUR 6 (approx)
Spelunking is one of those words that always sounds like it should be rude. But then the alternative - potholing - also sounds a bit pervy. Maybe there's just something about cramming yourself into hard, wet places that lends it to double entendres. Hmm.
Regardless, you'll be using far ruder words than "spelunker" should you download this ferociously unforgiving NES platformer from 1985. It's a remake of an old Atari 400 game, and it wears its elderly design on its sleeve. This is a game where everything kills you. Our hero, a little Mario-esque cave explorer, is perhaps the most vulnerable and feeble character in gaming history. He's like Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. The slightest drop, the slightest impact, kills him stone dead. With only three lives to navigate the vast maze-like caverns, this is something of a hindrance. Even the demo mode can't do it. That's how tough it is.
As if that wasn't cruel enough, you've got a limited air supply which drops at an alarming rate and must be refilled by grabbing pickups located in perilous places. You have bombs that can destroy some obstacles, but if you're even on the same screen when they go off, guess what happens? That's right. You die. And there's a ghost who stalks you relentlessly, just in case you fancied taking your time over that next jump. Also, bats poo on you.
The sad thing is, the caves actually seem like a lot of fun to explore - or at least they would be if the game didn't bump you off every time a gentle breeze blew a speck of dust into your shoe. The collision detection is sometimes wonky, and the stiff controls take some getting used to, but it's an otherwise-interesting platformer, let down by needlessly harsh gameplay.
5/10
Chase HQ
- Platform: TurboGrafx 16
- Wii Points: 600
- In Real Money: GBP 4.20 / EUR 6 (approx)
Chase HQ is awesome, but I had to dust off my old copy of MAME to reconfirm this fact after having my faith severely rocked by playing this creaky port. It's not often you can say that the ZX Spectrum had the better arcade conversion than the TurboGrafx 16, but here's the proof.
The pitch, as always, is achingly '80s. It's OutRun crossed with Miami Vice, and if that doesn't make you want to wear a suit jacket over a pastel t-shirt, roll up the sleeves and stick a poster of a cock-red Ferrari on your bedroom wall, then you're clearly far too young to be reading about retro re-releases.
Trouble is, this version is horrible. Horrible graphics, horrible sound, horrible gameplay. You still chase down escaping bad guys, and then ram their car into submission before time runs out but the addition of an awkward and pointless high/low gear system makes progress a sluggish trawl, and with your limited turbo boosts unhelpfully mapped to the minus button on the remote, it's a struggle to even catch up with your target, let alone keep them in view. In a comparative spin on the arcade version I was able to catch the first two villains before failure slapped me in the face. So it's not just me being all rubbish and that.
The problems are compounded by sluggish controls and wretched scrolling combined with incredibly fast speed. The speed isn't really something to shout about, since the game only uses about four frames to show cars getting closer, while the jittery scrolling makes corners a real chore and the moments when the road forks are reduced to ugly glitchy flickers. When Pitstop II, a C64 racing game from 1984, is both smoother and more playable than a 1992 arcade conversion, you know something went terribly wrong.
2/10