The Shield - The Game Review

Good afternoon, this is Officer Review at twenty minutes past noon, recording this conversation in Interview Room 2A. Present with me is our chief suspect, The Shield - The Game, currently under arrest for various crimes against gaming. Questioning shall now commence.

Right, you snivelling little excuse for entertainment, you know as well as I do why you're here and neither of us will be leaving this room until you've coughed up a confession. You need to admit to your sins, friend: attempting to impersonate a decent action adventure - that's just one of the heinous charges you've got against you. I know what you tried do to and it makes me sick. Games like you disgust me. You know what happened to The Sopranos? You think you're above that, don't you. Well, you're not. It's up to us make sure games like you stay off the shelves and away from the disc drives of our innocent gamers.

Oh, don't look so surprised. You knew from the start you were going to be bad. You thought you'd get away with it, just keeping your head down and slipping quietly out. But we were on to you. Ah, yes, we have a witness. Somebody saw you. Perhaps you'd like to hear what she had to say. Let me read her statement to you:

This definitely looks like a fixer-upper.

"I was feeding a poorly copy of Loco Roco in my back yard when I overheard this voice in the alley behind. It sounded familiar and I thought it might have been one of those bums like Headhunter or Dead To Rights causing trouble, so I went to take a look. But it wasn't them; it was some new game on the block I hadn't seen before. I should have gone back inside, but I was curious to see what it was up to. From what I could make out, it was trying to sell itself as something of a missing episode taking place around series 3 of the TV show. Something about Vic Mackey and his corrupt police team busting open a gun-running operation to protect their hides from a heroin plant gone wrong.

"I was a little concerned at that point, but it didn't seem to be doing anything wrong. And then it brought out its combat system and, oh...oh God..."

You see, what I mean. You were spotted. Someone saw your awful attempt at fighting, the way your sissy punches and kicks get lost in a blur of mindless button bashing. She even saw how you used that cover system and over-the-shoulder viewpoint we know you stole from elsewhere. She saw how badly you implemented it, making popping out and shooting a frustrating experience.

There’s something unnerving about Mackey’s dead-eye stare. Over that way, Vic!

That statement's a big black mark against you, you know. You've looking at more charges than a PSP battery pack. Look, do I have to beat you to get anywhere? You make out you're tough, but I'm told you go down easy. Six hours is all you'd take, I reckon. Oh, sure, you might try to make it last longer with an atrocious mini-game challenge in which you search pieces of furniture by dragging a decreasing circle around a small image of a shield until it hits a predetermined spot, or with an errand to collect drugs and guns to add to your pointless retirement fund score, but you're just insulting me with that.

I mean, look at you, you're ugly. Look at those hollow, dead eyes. Last-gen is not an excuse. You think you can get away with that? You think you're safe? A quick cash-in for unwitting punters? I'll show you what I think of that.

[Scuffling and thumping noises heard. Inexplicable technical error erases next two minutes of tape.]

... happened to you, man? You used to be such a good kid. I remember everyone praising your qualities when you first showed up in your old neighbourhood. Now look at you. Perhaps your friendship with Channel 5 tainted you a little, but that's no excuse for falling in with the wrong crowd. No matter how many times I warn TV shows and movies like you to stay away from the licensed videogame ghetto, they never listen. And now you've got nobody to blame but yourself. You've lost a lot of respect and you've ruined the enjoyment of hundreds of your admirers. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not ashamed.

As it stands, you're looking at a two for this. But play it right, admit your faults and we may be able to get you a four, maybe even a five if you're lucky. I can see how you're not all bad, how you thought you could cover up your crimes with half-hearted penitence. You thought you'd be clever with your heat meter. How shooting too many bad guys would increase your superiors' suspicions of you, so you'd have to arrest a few instead to bring your level down. But, come on, your method for doing so is so tedious, and so easily managed that you're hardly begging on your knees for forgiveness.

Failed. That’s right, Mackey. You failed.

And your tendency to try to mix things up with sneaking sections and brutal, sequential button-press interrogations - which you appear to have swiped from The Punisher, I might add - might have earned you some respect from the judge if he hadn't seen them being done better countless times before.

So what's it going to be, man? You're a no-good action adventure fighting at the bottom of a barrel of nobodies. The only thing you're good for is laughing at whenever you randomly growl "Goddamn door!" at any locked portal in the vicinity. Confess now and maybe we'll be easy on you. You've given me the tiniest inclination that you've got some redeemable qualities. They might put you in a good light. They might earn you a modicum of respect. They might. It all depends on you.

Well, what do you say?

[Tape ends.]