Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance Review

By Martin Coxall Published 13 October, 2005

Beating down fighting games to new depths.

Version tested: PlayStation 2

Isn't it odd that there exists a whole litany of games that we instinctively know are going to be plumbing the festering sinkholes of gaming before we even play them? Once such indicator of impending polygonal doom is a game's being titled "Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance", a title which is remarkable in its Nostradamus-like ability to prefigure the train-wreck of tragicomic wrongness about to unfold.

It's not just that it sounds like a movie that even your friendly neighbourhood porn dungeon will have placed in its "speciality" section. It's that the entire title screams "Game designed for IQs 60 and below. Strictly not to be supplied to any persons capable of rational thought".

It's at this point that I can hear the rustling sound of impatient forum fingers skipping to the end and unleashing witty counterarguments. But I know what you're going to say; and you're wrong. I don't shy away from computer violence. I just like to see it done with some style, and above all, some point. This game, in its infinite foulness, has nothing.

The story? Stop me if you've heard this one before. You start as one of the five main characters, whom apparently all have different special moves, although you'd be hard-pushed to notice. I chose Raven, because I loved his manly scar.

Character picked, the game deftly lumbers from cliché to cliché. You discover one of the other characters is a traitor, so predictably off you cavort in a red mist of vengeance, thus the name of the game. Avenging by smacking in the faces of everyone you meet never quite goes smoothly, and before you know it you're also smacking the faces of generic mob boss, and his generic henchmen along with various generic police> and others.

'Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance' Screenshot groans

N.B.: Groans of pain player's own.

You'll spend quite a bit of time in The Hole, a dive in Downtown Las Santos, er, Sombras, which is the grim city in which you're on your mission to smack faces. The bar is the home of Tracy and Melvin, who give you advice and side-quests for cash, and teach you new but unhelpful moves. They also let you get really drunk, something which is supposed to make fighting difficult. The actual effect is to slow all the fights down, making them easier, and also added some much-needed colour.

The plot is nothing if not generic. It is, however, taken to new rungs of substandard ridiculousness by the voice acting. The voices are so badly cast, plodding, full of bizarre and unwelcome stresses and pauses and EMPHASIS as to make it impossible to control your mirth at the production values and feeling that you'd rather hack your own knees off than play this game.

If you imagine the worst cod-Oirish accent you can muster, you should know it barely touches the horrors that Raven's voice actor has managed to express. I was tempted to describe him as a graduate of the Dick Van Dyke School of Foreign Accents, but this would be unfair to Dick who was, after all, capable of expressing a foreign accent, just usually not the correct one. What's been achieved here is something new and extra-special in the world of rubbish accents.

In some desperate and failed attempt to demonstrate his hardness, and generic off-the-peg game character bad-mother attitude, Raven is obsessed with the word "shite". At the point where Raven told me I "didn't know shite about shite", I had reached an unacceptable ebb and turned the console off in disgust.

'Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance' Screenshot hands

You know what 'big hands' means for a man? Rubbish models.

I would normally try to alternate the positives and negatives of a game, but I've yet to find a positive here beyond "it loads" and "the title menus are easy enough". So, in keeping with spirit of the game, I'm going to 'beat down' (ahem) the most "shite" things about in it order.

The gameplay scrapes another barrel with its limp-fingered, repetitive, unsatisfying button-mashing for the most part. It's a game about tedious fighting, and that's it. Certainly nothing else of note. Yeah, okay, so there's a one-on-one mode, and a scrolling beat-em-up mode, and an interrogation mode where you can extract information from NPCs by destroying their self-confidence or some other such gimmick that falls flat. But basically they all involve pressing the buttons fast enough to smack the person in the face.

The game offers absolutely no disincentive to brutally massacring everyone and everything, including innocent bystanders. Because you are a bad man, you choose to kill them in cold blood, steal their possessions and then scarper. Curiously, once you return to the scene of your crime, they're usually alive again, so you can murder them again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Perhaps it's because death is only a temporary setback that arbitrary cold-blooded massacres of innocents are met with a gaming blind eye.

The graphics are wretched. Dank, washed out, dull, boring, boxy, uninspired, drab, dirty and lazy. The hallmark of cheap graphics; the 'somebody's-smeared-Vaseline-on-my-telly' effect is present and correct. It's just awful. Objects pierce supposedly solid walls on a 32-bit-style gaming trip with alarming regularity. The models are ugly and tedious and very repetitive, using the same model for every policeman, for example.

'Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance' Screenshot wine

Dammit! Red wine's a bitch to shift from denim.

The music is unlistenable. I'm rapidly running out of adjectives here, so either think muzak-trying-to-sound-cool, or recycle some from above. It seems that every tune is an endless half-minute music loop, which you will be murderously sick of within 15 seconds. And as far as I could tell, there were at most six or seven of these irritating tunelets in the entire game. The music will make your ears cry, and not in a good way.

But most egregious of all is the camera. I know that camera issues mar many, many games, but I've never seen a game whose camera was so sluggish, jittery and just so damned wrong at being in the right place when necessary. At any given moment, the camera will be between 90 and 180 degrees askew of where it should be, rendering the game virtually unplayable.

There are a few good ideas in Beat Down; unfortunately they are all half-baked and poorly implemented, and fail to raise it above its general foetor. Such flawed dynamics include the ability to recruit defeated assailants into your gang. This fails because in melee fights, they tend to stand around and do nothing, not drawing fire, not helping, just getting in the way.

Then there's the "trauma" mode, where the stinging pain of defeat rends you unable to fight for a while, while other characters plaster you with puerile insults. This 'feature' adds nothing, and ultimately frustrates.

'Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance' Screenshot milkybar

Milky Bar Kid + Waistcoat != Gangster.

And there's the "fishnets and high-heels" mode, where you can dress your character in other clothes including drag, so that the police won't recognize you. It doesn't really work, as your "threat" meter fills up really quickly whatever you do, rendering the clothing-changes a waste of time. And finally, there is a two-player mode. It's tedious too and suffers from all of the same flaws as its hateful single-player brother.

Even if you are one of those hormonally-riven pre-teens who finds random, pointless violence, brutality and cruelty against characters and NPCs without any kind of challenge, skill, point or end at all, and no other depth or mechanic whatsoever; even then, there are better examples of the genre than this suppurating pustule of worthlessness. Avoid this beast at all costs, or there is no hope for you - or mankind.

2 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Martin.

About Martin Coxall

Read more articles from Martin by visiting the Martin Coxall archive page.

You may also like...

Comments (46) Latest comment 6 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • zErOb_cOOl #1 6 years ago

    Based on the comment

    "Avoid this beast at all costs, or there is no hope for you - or mankind."

    shouldn't this game gain 1/10,...or 0/10? Can you do that (0/10) It would be nasty.

    So, Beat Down: Fist of Vengeance, 2/10 for effort.

  • Dizzy #2 6 years ago

    Worst (EG reviewed) game evar?

  • marilena #3 6 years ago

    I guess it would have to not run at all to be a 0/10. But a 1 would be justified in these conditions.

  • kangarootoo #4 6 years ago

    "It's at this point that I can hear the rustling sound of impatient forum fingers skipping to the end and unleashing witty counterarguments. But I know what you're going to say; and you're wrong."

    I think perhaps the impatient forum fingers were going to comment on how you seemed to have formed too much of an opinion based on the game title. Game aside, this review was very much not for me. But I am loathe to continue along the "review of a review" road that I have been previously critical of, so goodbye thread.

  • Derblington #5 6 years ago

    hehehe

  • #6 6 years ago

    2/10?

    This is a direct response to redress the balance of all the 8/10's. It's a fix! The game iss actually superb, buy it!

    /nose grows

  • Genji #7 6 years ago

    Why don't they just remake Final Fight, damnit.

  • renzo #8 6 years ago

    It's getting panned everywhere, so this review isn't really a surprise.

    1UP gave it a 7/10 though.

  • renzo #9 6 years ago

    They are remaking Final Fight. :)

  • Mirkan #10 6 years ago

    They ARE remaking Final Fight.

    I wonder if you can do a game like this right these days though. In order to have it old school it should be devoid of any RPG elements and such and just be pure addictive arcade fun, but if you're not a certain type of person who appreciates that it's never gonna be enough. Reviewing a game like that is even more difficult any way you look at it because you gotta give points for value and stuff like that, and how do you decide value in a game that's pretty much ALL about repetition?

    I think Spikeout: Battle Street is prolly the best game of this type in years, but it got pretty much raped in reviews.

    Hunter does share some obvious elements, but it doesn't quite feel like Double Dragon or Streets of Rage. :)

  • LaundroMat #11 6 years ago

    One question remains: did the reviewer have the stomach to finish the game?

  • Chtulie #12 6 years ago

    Hope Namco does better with Urban Reign.

  • tengu #13 6 years ago

    So it's a case of 'don't bother with Beat Down, beat off instead'?

  • renzo #14 6 years ago

    Judging from the review scores I'd say they didn't. :)

  • Genji #15 6 years ago

    Oooh, Final Fight remake? Link!

  • renzo #16 6 years ago

    Link

  • gypsumfantastic #17 6 years ago

    I don't know if this is the worst game EVAR REVIEWED on EG, but it was pretty bloody dismal to play.

    And no, I didn't play it to the end, I value my sanity too much.

    I was tempted to give it a 1/10, but the game is relatively bug-free, so I gave it a 2 for effort.

    Martin Coxall

  • kangarootoo #18 6 years ago

    EDIT: Posted on wrong thread. Oops.
    Edited by 1 at 13/10/05 @ 13:20

  • renzo #19 6 years ago

    They've reviewed <a href=http://www.eurogamer.net/article.php?article_id=54010&g t;worse</a>.

  • motslaps #20 6 years ago

    I appreciate the fact they're keeping us from buying crap games like this (not that I'd even heard of the game until now) but how about a review I'm sure a few of us would LIKE to see... Colin McRae for PSP... is it worth it???

  • zErOb_cOOl #21 6 years ago

    What are people thinking when they make these games?! Do they not realise its crap/ there are better freeware games available on the net?!

  • Xerx3s #22 6 years ago

    Wait, didnt see this one comming!

    So, an avarage ps2 game then? ^_^

    Believe it or not, EG's score wasnt the lowest. ;p

  • zErOb_cOOl #23 6 years ago

    Oh yeah, read about that Final Fight remake a while back.

    Why oh why is it in 3D.

    They should have kept it 3D (at least the characters anyway like MvsC 2) and put all the processing of the PS2/XBox/Cube into some truly spectacular/action packed 2D graphics. How awesome would that be?!

  • Truthsayer #24 6 years ago

    Wait, didnt see this one comming!

    So, an avarage ps2 game then? ^_^

    Quick, a troll - I'll hold him down, you get the bucket of soapy frogs and the diving suit with the bottom cut off.

  • Blerk #25 6 years ago

    So, an avarage ps2 game then? ^_^

    Also available on Xbox! Share the love, man.

  • pion17 #26 6 years ago

    It's nice if the reviewer writes comments! Now we know why 2 and not 1, because he's the only one who played this crap

  • tengu #27 6 years ago

    lol@Xerx3s clanger :)

  • CyberClaw #28 6 years ago

    Personally, I loved this game. Suberb character costumization (you can change his face, get him tattoos, and buy him tons of clothes and acessories), nice enough battle systems (1 on 1 - which is when our partners stay put looking at you, because you know, you are fighting one on one - they will only step up for tag team grabs, and 3 on many, which is basicly a street brawler like Streets of Rage). Excelent damage system (seeing someone bleeding of the noose, or mouth is awsome - and the main character by the end of a chapter,if he doesn't attend the hospital, will look like he went through a meat grinder, in a awsome way let me say).

    Let me state this quite simple. If you like games where you can costumise your character visually, this game is a must. If you like games with detailed damage system, this game is a must (best damage system I've seen in ages, the blood and bruizes are awsome). If you like street brawlers, this is a pretty good choice, all in all.

    Played the game to exaustion when it was released in US. Came to read this review to see if they included the co-op mode they promissed back then, but then removed at the last minute (which was not featured on the NTSC version). Only to find a disapointing EG review, which lacks clarification on the game itself (I didn't bother reading much more of the review after reading the multiplayer paragraph (which I looked for first), which basicly tells me the game suports 2 players, and nothing else... still don't know if the game suports the promissed co-op, or only the versus team battles).

    Said it twice in previous reviews, will say it once again. Please, even if you give a game a 1/10, and say it's utter shit, still review the game. Just because you didn't like it, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to describe it to your best capabilities. Dont tell me the multiplayer is awfull. Tell me the multiplayer is a team battle mode, where you can load your SP customised character to battle your friend's customised character, and personally, you found it as bland as the rest of the game. That, would be usefull info.

    And could someone tell me, if the PAL version has the coop mode, not included in the NTSC version?
    Edited by 1 at 13/10/05 @ 14:03

  • Feanor #29 6 years ago

    "So, an avarage ps2 game then? ^_^"

    Haha, good joke. The way you spelled average, I mean.

  • DNM #30 6 years ago

    "Worst (EG reviewed) game evar?"

    Nope, 'All Star Tennis 2000' reviewed by me got a 1/10. :)

    h ttp://www.eurogamer.net/article.php?article_id=691

    I'm sure there was another too. I got all the good games!

  • doc-yipee #31 6 years ago

    "Let me state this quite simple"

    its spell a funny it is!!

  • CyberClaw #32 6 years ago

    "its spell a funny it is!!"
    Aie, it is even funnier when translated to my home language, Portuguese. Care to hear? I do my best, I honestly do, but ortography is not my strong point. Not in Portuguese, much less in English. Oh, and let alone this is a comments section, so I do not mind my spelling as much as I do in my blog, or in my book. Simply not worth that much attention, specially when I'm alt tabbing betwen Opera Web Browser, and my tedious work (which as a matter of fact, right now, involves translating a english instruction manual to portuguese, lol)

  • doc-yipee #33 6 years ago

    ^

    /bottom lip quivers

    U made me feel like I just shot Bambi's mother!!

  • Carrybagma #34 6 years ago

    If it had been made by Rockstar - it would be super-cool and worth an additional 5/10!

    /points finger at 'The Warriors' and awaits sycophantic review.

  • deadlock #35 6 years ago

    Does he only have one fist? Were Oasis involved in this?

  • bladeaku #36 6 years ago

    Ive got urban reign and beat down, both stink like a week old fish, although urban reign is the better game.
    I wouldnt pin your hopes on final fight being any good either, its made to run of the beat down engine.
    Face it side scrolling beat em ups are a dead franchise,hot in the early 90s not so today.

  • gypsumfantastic #37 6 years ago

    @Carrybagma...

    Rockstar are such awful, awful people, and treat games journalists like shit. Believe me, as a whole journos are in no mood for being sycophantic toward them. I for one would *love* to see them get their comeuppance, whatever that would be. Them and Take2.

    Unfortunately, Rockstar have a habit of producing astounding, genre-expanding, awe-inspiringly good games like San Andreas.

    Martin Coxall

  • Darth_Flibble #38 6 years ago

    I though the game is awful, the swearing is sad (as is the accents) and the game is just 'shite', ;)

    I could of brought it for £10 a while ago (as my friend, brought it on import and hated it). after 10 minutes I just gave it back

  • Yazoo #39 6 years ago

    I still want to buy this. Which is probably wrong of me, but it looks nice and its Capcom and the review inspired me to see if its really that bad(!)

  • Carrybagma #40 6 years ago

    @Martin - Your opinion of Rockstar is refreshing! Dunno about the awe-inspiring bit, but I'll give SA a bit more than 5 minutes next time I get to try it. Cheers.

  • Kami #41 6 years ago

    No, I believe they gave T3 a 0 from what I remember.

    ... and it deserved it, too!

  • bloodflowers #42 6 years ago

    I am a HUGE fan of beatemups (not the same thing as fighting games). I've got stacks of arcade boards like Double Dragon, Crime Fighters and so on.

    I bought this game. It sucks, pure and simple.

    I used my 10 day refund receipt.

  • Talha #43 6 years ago

    I love it when EG get a good game to review. But I love it MORE when they get a bad game! I absolutely enjoy them. If you guys enjoy this sort of thing, also look up reviews for Big Rigs on Metacritic, and that of NRA Varmint Hunter on IGN. See if you don't end up on the floor.

    So, Mr Martin, thanks for a good laugh, even if it came at the cost of your considerable emotional disturbance.

  • PES_Fanboy #44 6 years ago

    God, three times shitter than Conker.

  • kangarootoo #45 6 years ago

    @gypsumfantastic

    I've some lovely grapes here, but they might be a little tart for your tastes, so you probably won't want them.

    @PES_Fanboy

    You are a script and I claim my £5.

  • Skywise #46 6 years ago

    Ever since Resident Evil on the PS1 I've been a fan of godawful voiceacting in games. Shame about the music/camera or else I might have given it a try. I would like to play a great current-gen scrolling beat'em up and I don't care about story/game length.
    Do you have any suggestions?

  • admir #47 6 years ago

    Beat down at least its better then Superman 64 but