Let's not fanny around with a smart-arse introduction to Jacked; let's just deal with the pain like grown-ups. From the makers of Moorhuhn Invasion, Schnappi and Catch the Sperm 2, Jacked would like to be a cross between Burnout and crusty old Megadrive favourite Road Rash. Players scream around tracks on nitro-guzzling motorbikes swinging a collection of bludgeoning instruments at rival racers. It's a simple enough concept but it's rendered pointless by awful design decisions, ropey controls, mediocre presentation and a complete lack of... well, just a complete lack, if you get our meaning.
When a game relies on quick-witted reactions, the controls need to be tightly implemented. Jacked fudges it instantly by using every button on the pad and both analogue sticks, so that riding up on a foe, cracking him over the head with a spanner and jumping on his bike becomes a finger-crippling accident with luck playing a bigger role than skill. Shoulder buttons are used to accelerate and brake, the right stick is for swinging bats at enemies, another button lets the player jump onto a rival's bike mid-race, circle kicks off a nitro boost, square is for throwing grenades (grenades!) and triangle gives orders to the rest of your biking crew. All this while you're trying to pick up icons, steer a course, avoid traffic and come first in a race.