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The Onion On Form • Page 9
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AcidSnake 7,408 posts
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This might actually be my favourite Onion article yet.
Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth
some choice quotes:
"We believe that the decisions of how to deal with the massive asteroid are best left to the individual,"and
According to political pundits, the showdown over whether to let the asteroid blast a 150-mile-wide, 20-mile-deep crater in the Earth's crust represents a potential turning point for the nation, and could completely reshape the American political landscape for many centuries to come.
"If efforts to destroy the asteroid are successfully overturned, then there will be major ramifications for both Obama and his Republican opposition, as well as the American populace at large," political scientist Alan Abramowitz said on Face The Nation Sunday. "This could have a huge impact come 2012."
The shocking thing is that the Onion actually gives the Republicans too much credit. In real life they would also be arguing that there was no scientific consensus that there was actually an asteroid, and even if there was then God would protect them anyway.
thegamesthething 1,079 posts
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And failing that, they all have assault rifles.
Lexx87 20,853 posts
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Dare I read it?
Hah! So true.
Fake_Blood 5,068 posts
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Psychotext 57,527 posts
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I can see this one being popular...
Iran worried US might be building 8500th nuclear weapon
It's really real, guys.
America. Burning the stupid candle at both ends so we don't have to.
"it has quotes and stuff"
I was reading the Onion's Twitter feed last night and I realised how close to the bone it goes these days. I don't know if it's always been like that and I've simply never noticed, but it seems to me that there's been an editorial decision for there to be no limits on what or when they can write about something.
I'm not complaining though, it's very good satire. Some genuinely brave stuff up there.
Edited by Tom_Servo at 21:27:37 23-04-2013
@Tom_Servo I thought the "victims of next weeks school shootings thank senate for blocking assault rifle law" was one of the best things they've ever done.
Yeah, that was one of the articles that I was thinking of.
@Tom_Servo it has been good to see!
From January 17, 2001:
Bush: Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over
During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.
"Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend.
"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."
Had a big ol' browse last night (clearly ^), and here are some highlights:
FDA Recalls Food
Chrysler Halts Production of Neckbelts
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
Pizza Hut Unveils New Cheese-Stuffed Delivery Boy
Pilot Tells Passengers He's About to Try Something
George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings of Dogs, Friends, Ghost of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere
Yeah, the neckbelts one is one of the best stories they've ever done. I also like the Babies Are Stupid report.
Rhaegyr 3,276 posts
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This was always a favourite of mine;
Pitchfork gives Music a 6.8
The review of the review at the end is class
Onion have been amazing on Ferguson.
Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen
With riots raging in Ferguson, Missouri following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward police brutality, social injustice, and the continuing crisis of race relations throughout the U.S. Here are The Onionís tips for being an unarmed black teen in America:
Shy away from dangerous, heavily policed areas.
Avoid swaggering or any other confident behavior that suggests you are not completely subjugated.
Be sure not to pick up any object that could be perceived by a police officer as a firearm, such as a cell phone, a food item, or nothing.
Explain in clear and logical terms that you do not enjoy being shot, and would prefer that it not happen.
Donít let society stereotype you as a petty criminal. Remember that you can be seen as so much more, from an armed robbery suspect, to a rape suspect, to a murder suspect.
Try to see it from a police officerís point of view: You may be unarmed, but youíre also black.
Avoid wearing clothing associated with the gang lifestyle, such as shirts and pants.
Revel in the fact that by simply existing, you exert a threatening presence over the nationís police force.
Be as polite and straightforward as possible when police officers are kicking the shit out of you.