Nice going, Carbon =)|
Only one week left!
-- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.
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Tonight is going slow. But I still have a few hours to burn.|
Time for a break. Which is the perfect excuse to read more Blerk stuff.
The scene with Jake and Dan is actually quite touching. It has enough sentimentality woven into it to work but is not melodramatic or over the top. This makes it work even better as it captures the emptiness one feels after losing someone rather well.
And thank you for reminding me of his age. I was wracking my brain for his age and way thinking of going back to the start of the story to see what it was. I am pretty sure that this would not be a problem when reading the novel in one go but it helps keeping it in mind.
The bit where Jake asks his son if he is sure that he wants to join him and Dan asks him back if he is, is brilliant. It works very well in the context there and you even take advantage to remind the reader that everything will be going to hell sooner or later. Bravo.
The bit with carver and his watch (the Alice in Wonderland analogy) is fabulous. :-D
From here on out I think you need to indicate which of the Carver professors is talking, the she-Carver or the he-Carver. Again a pleasantly funny bit.
“It is all perfectly safe. Just don’t touch the event horizon, OK?” how reassuring. I am not sure if those words would put the fear of god in me or make me want to touch things. And I see that I am not alone with that though.
And what a brilliant end for the scene.
If the density of my comments is low at this point then only because this part of the chapter just worked fine.
And there you go answering a question that was wandering the back corridors of my mind. I was wondering if you could not build another bridge and throw and anchor on Earth. Which by the way would be bloody dangerous is something was looking for a way in.
Cool. Creepy. Well done.
Father and son running into a new world. Adorable!
About the vehicle problem (by the way great way of greatly reducing the mobility of the protagonists if things should go wrong, as well as having them quite a distance away from the bridge) would it not be easier to relocate the bridge on street level or something? I guess it would be too hard to direct the bridge in such a precise manner even with the anchor but it might be something worth mentioning.
The military went through the trouble of stripping a town clear of everything? How spectacularly suspicious.
A pack of wolves would also never attack a pack of humans. They are not that suicidal.
The bit with the weird eyes is quite effective, even without Jake mentioning how it creeped him out, me as the reader who knows that this will all end in ruin see this encounter and that special trait of the maybe imagined native as a very bad omen.
So many things that appear here have a sinister air to it. The hidden technology. The isolation. The fences. You are building a feeling of low level dread very effectively.
It is a bit strange to establish a colony of would be prisoners. Again this just makes everything more menacing despite there not being anything really obviously dangerous around. Yet.
OK the ID cards are really strange. WTF?
Who else is going to be there if not the colonists. Either the military is utterly bonkers or they are keeping something under wraps. (Probably both)
So they are in that picturesque little town at the sea and somehow a concrete monstrosity has sneaked up on them. This comes as a bit of a surprise as you never mentioned building of that kind until now.
Again. Good, solid chapter. Subtly packed with the creepy.
Good one. Flowing logically from the last chapters. A lot on interesting information, although I feel a bit sorry for Dan. 13 year old boy and 14 year old girl? Good luck with that…
In general the situation is getting worse. The way all the civilians are corralled in their prison makes them look like sheep before the slaughter.
So far I can’t see what they are therefore apart from being used as lab rats to experiment on. The way the military behaves is now far, far beyond suspicious.
This works rather well I must say. Despite this being a chapter where you mostly set the scene and introduce the new location you also keep the dramatic tension up and carefully keep the threat smouldering beneath the surface.
Chaper 7.2 (because I’m hooked you bastard)
Kurt is strange. I think I like hi but I am not sure.
A short comment about the technology thing: there isn’t a set path of technological advancement and a society that goes into a golden age of science and technology might very well excel in ways that our has hardly advanced in while lagging behind in other areas. The people of Terra might very well have technologies that are decades ahead of ours where in other places they are less advanced.
Not a complaint. Just something to consider, maybe it’s a thought that may help you.
This Kurt dude is a strange one. When he first appeared I thought the may have possibly be some kind of alien. Then I let that thought go because as strange as he was what he said seemed to hold up, but the way he is talking to Simpson and the soldier’s reaction bring me back to my first assumption.
Oh god the kids. What a kennel full of half crazed furies.
This is an unexpected source of trouble but now that I think about it, it was rather obvious.
Why is a physicist examining samples brought to him by biologists? Should that work not be done by other biologists? Most research regarding the make-up of the alien life would be handled by them down to a molecular level where the work would start to spread to be covered also by chemists and physicist.
Maxwell is such a piece of shit! Strangely his type tends to surface almost everywhere in several guises but the basic rotten personality is always the same.
The last part:
“Don’t do anything stupid, Bradbury,” he whispered back.
“I won’t,” I replied. And I wouldn’t. I fully intended to do something remarkably clever instead, when the time was right.
Made me laugh.
The story so far moves along at a nice pace. It has very strong page turner qualities and I found myself very much lost in the narrative.
Oh update. Damn.
Good to know that Special Operations and me are in agreement.
Deering’s son? For fucks sake. I think I was as shocked as Swejkowski himself when I read that.
Oh James. How nice. Why is he still alive? Shouldn’t he been eaten by rabid jelly fish by now?
‘[…]the man was clearly very fond of the gym.’ I feel tempted to bring back my ‘Favourite lines’ section from last year for that one alone.
Hmm. Interesting explosion here. Again an important scene that needs to be screened by someone who is not familiar with the Mars story. But this one should work well enough. It is also good to see that despite all the bitterness there is a decent human being hidden within Yew.
A chapter playing to your strong points.
Edited by sunjumper at 04:22:33 24-11-2012
Edited by sunjumper at 04:22:55 24-11-2012
|Thanksgiving's caused me to abandon the short. Two solid days of no writing puts me on too much catchup with not enough time, and I've got a full weekend on top of that. Ah, well.|
Thanks for the comments. Sarah got into trouble for continued intemperate behaviour. However she should inform her supervisor for romantic entanglements.
Fair comment on the suicide. It is possible to do it that way, but I'll come up with a different method.
Thanks for spotting the errors as well.
Something fishy is going on
Deering had a son - is he a little bastard?
I'd have punched Grevel as well.
|I'm pretty much done for the day, but at 49,269 words I think I might just have to start the next chapter to hit the magic mark!|
Chapter 37 puts me across the 40,000 mark:|
|Gah, I've been no use as support. I thought I could keep up during babyfeeds, but she's too easily distracted by my phone. Oh well, I will find time to read stuff. Well done for sticking to it.|
A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
|Thanks local, I think we all understand that a new baby keeps you busy|
Rubbish excuse Local, you need to get your priorities right! |
In other news, my fifty thousanth word was....
Congratulations Carbon =D|
Go go everyone not over the line yet!
Belated Day 24 notification from me. Managed to whittle my deficit down a tiny amount every day so far, but I gotta go faster if I want to make it up by day 30. In the middle of some plot brambles at the moment.
-- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.
Ooh another favourite character returns.
Another good chapter - good luck with the word count!
Chapter 38 sniffs the air and finds it stale and unwelcoming.|
TechnoHippy wrote:Well I was about to say the jump to Sarah being in Dan's cellar apartment bit sudden and the mention of the phone call that tricked her into going there a bit thin as explanation but then I realised I missed an entire chapter.
Another head cock. “I’m afraid she doesn’t want to talk to you, but she is here to help me.”
“Help you do what?”
“Get you here.”
This exchange is odd. She's already there. So why would Dan need help getting her there.
One for the edit log:
His head coked to one side
Chapter 39 proudly strides into view without any pants on:|
Thanks as always for the comments. By the way your last feedback will kill some people in the rewrite. I think Rob's suicide attempt will fail and he must be punished for that
"I get past the AI cos I'm fucking awesome. " Made me chuckle.
"DOLPHIN RIDING TWAT WEASELS." I misread that one - still funny the second time.
"Phelp" - Not sure what this means?
Another two good chapters. How's the word count?
TechnoHippy wrote:Minor character mentioned briefly near the beginning that I need to develop more!
50,681, and I reckon about 5k to the end of this section of the overall story. It's been a bit of a monster.
Edited by Carbon_Altered at 21:10:43 25-11-2012
TechnoHippy wrote:Wait .. whaah? Now I have the blood of a whole family on my hands!?
TechnoHippy wrote:Holy spike in action and tension. Well done Dan!
21 is excellent!
Tension of being under attack, Brook possibly gone (not really, right? You're not some RR Martin type are you?), that Mason showboating type in a hilarious self made david vs goliath predicament, Gumelar in top form and certitude as to who messed with the AI but still no clue as to why. What's not to like.
God job at conveying the tension. I think I moved a little further towards the front edge of my chair reading that.
22 is a good follow up. Starts off with a short, less tense and actually some comic relief to change the pace a bit. Quite groovy, with the imagery of Fuller making his way around the outside of the ship like a monkey swinging about.
I laughed at the flies on cow shit ponderings and him (in my mind) screaming like a little girl when he found Phelps.
I like the description for Brooks' re-entry into the story and the way her discovery of Phelps mirrors Fuller's from before.
My mind is now very much drawn to how Mason and whatsisface plus our 3 pirates are getting on. With Si's drone's out I'm assuming the ship itself will be fine now. Just a matter or getting Brook patched up and then sitting Billie down and smack him about a bit to find out what the hell he did and why.
Very curious to see how they titans will be dispatched off though.
In summary. Two very good chapters! Carry on.
"Stay safe done there"
'odd goings on'
Hmm. Would've assumed the plural was "odd going ons".
The pressure wave from the explosions span Brook around
Would've assumed it's spun?
Although as a non native my assumption doesn't always count for much though. =)
"The doors are open, you're ladies are good to go"
Salaman wrote:Yes you do you monster
I like Auntie It's on odd interlude, a charming break from the earlier stress.
Some interesting info on Walker's background.
MetalDog wrote:Sorry, I owe you lots of feedback still but it'll have to wait for a different longer post.
End of this chapter:
"We'll need to find where he liked to hang out. Classmates. who was at the academy with him, probation postings, dammit, he would have been Blue before he was entirely... you're right. I need Yew's team to cover all this in any kind of time."
Couldn't make sense of the "blue". You mentioned black heppa somehwere earlier in the story. And Paul mentioned that Walker would be effectively chemically castrated by the heppa when joining the Constabulary. Is there blue heppa? Would that be early on when he had joined but wasn't shooting blanks yet then? If it is, the mention here doesn't provide enough background or context to make that really clear.
are they any others I don't know about?
She had a warmth and humour he'd wouldn't have suspected from his dealings with her brother.
Rebecca returned with a A4 datapad
More feedback due when I have some time to gather my thoughts and put it down in a structured way.