Finally finished the job of re-ordering the latest chapter and filling the gaps that were initially going at the end!!|
Longest chapter by a mile...
Tony does Episode Five and introduces the world to his new character.
National Novel Writing Month 2012 • Page 38
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I need to catch up on reading, which I fully intend to do.
Right now my reading list is MetalDog, Blerk and Carbon_Altered.
Once I am up to date with them I am going to add one or two additional stories to my reading roster. December should be on the productive reading side. (I hope)
Some feedback before I get back to writing.
Good lord. That is an impressive ammount of writing you got done there.
One random thought while I enjoy your distopian not so distant future where mega-corporations are openly fucking around with state policy (instead of thinly veiled) there only seems to be 4L as an all powerful mega-monopolist. We know from the Mars story that there is at least also PolyMol who are small fries compared to 4L. But there seems to be hardly anyone else.
While that was no problem in the isolation of space back down on Earth I begin to wonder where and who the others are.
The observation that Szwejkowski's many augmentation are a form of compensation and/or a crutch for his self esteem is a very good one.
And Clow returns! No idea why but I love that smug, cryptic, old bastard. He certainly fills the Wise Man archetype with a lot of dry humour.
[...} he was wearing an extremely punchable little smile [...] :-D
OK. Very impressive. Today watching a TV series with a friend there was a point where something happened that was not really a plot twist. I had not seen it comming but when it happened it was not a real surprise either. I commented that these things are actually rather neat every once in a while but hard to pull off.
What you did here with Clow and Yew is exactly that and damn you did a great job of it.
The green tint of my envy is only rivaled by my shrill fanboy shrieks.
And one line later you do it again. Although I do feel like an idiot for not having seen it before. It was rather obvious. In hindsight.
How cloak and dagger it has all become.
This chapter was pure solid gold.
Right now i am thinking a little 'Guide to the 4L Universe might not go amiss. Thaat way a lot of important information can be provided to those who want to know more without fucking up the narrative's flow.
White Heppa? Wow...
Oh. No. Wait. That's even worse.
I wonder into which dark pit this will lead us.
ARGH! What a happy note to end the chapter.
Before I crawl away I'd like to add that the fear of Walker is very interesting. If I were him I'd be afraid of the experiment's results too. As a read I'd really like to know what will happen.
Very short. But progress at last.
Now I finally know how that thing with the otters and the roses works!
It is also good to see Szwejkowski getting cranky. Who would have thought that this was even possible.
I was a bit lost in the last update MD. It is all a bit cloak and dagger and intrigue, which is harder to follow when you're not so familiar with all the nuances of the universe the story is set in.
It makes sense on a general level. Some people in the police banding together to take on some of the important high ups. That bit is OK to follow. Some of the finer details in the exchange with Clow and Yew were a bit more puzzling however. Especially since in my mind, a "controller" is a sort of in house computer that turns the lights/heating/TV/Radio on and off and makes coffee and tea from the dispenser. You mentioned before that it's spelled out somewhere that the controllers are human but I missed that where it originally popped up, so still fumbling in the dark a bit when they are discussing the controllers Clow's tech can possibly look at.
Oh and carbon altered. Read the last 2 chapters.
Good stuff. Spyder in an overcrowded little canteen? Should be good. =)
Did not get to update earlier on.
But Chapter 10 is done. While I think that I could have put more stuff into it I think that it works well as it does now. I should work on my chapter endings though. So far they are nice ending points which somehow reduces the motivation to read on.
Funnily enough this was one of the chapters where I was afraid that it would be over in a page or two. Didn't happen.
It actually sprouted the next chapter which was supposed to be art of this one but in the end I decided that what happens next is to important to just give it a throwaway line.
Here we go then:
Spent sat/sun sleeping, eating, playing games and watching shit on telly. It was good =D
Monday back to workness time I'll hopefully have an update tonight and get some reading done. The plan is to update every two days, or more if the work flows and catch up on the reading with the added slack.
Your problems with the vera lynn are an easy fix - if I move the meeting between Walker and Balestra to the Vera Lynn memorial park I can chuck a tiny bit of backstory in there. FRU is a modern acronym, which I will probably drop because I seem to be the only one who knows it. Your latter complaint about why Walker visited the home is the only one that really bothers me - I'll fix that somehow when I fix that very rushed scene.
Regarding your latest confusion, there's been a few hints dropped so far (some more blatant than others) and I'll have to look at why you're missing them, but scene 30 is almost done and is Yew and Tech at controller which ought to clear up a bunch of lingering questions.
I'm surprised at the things you've been hung up on though - there's stuff I was sure that was going to confuse people and you've merrily skipped over it - There's a whole chunk I would have cut altogether because of that if I hadn't been so desperate for wordcount at the time =D
I remember you asking for a guide to Heppa and I gave you one and you were all 'I knew all this'. You know I'll never write a full guide, it would be so, so fucking dull and you'd end up saying 'I knew this already' anyway =D
Other companies have been mentioned in passing, but I think on edit I want to give Balestra more work time and Szwejkowski more time on response, partially for flow reasons and partially to colour in the surroundings a bit more. It's not going to be a social treaty, but I do want to show a bit more of the city in wide lens.
Very happy to hear you've found love in your heart for your story! Go go sunjumper!
Since you've finished yours, any chance you could send me a doc or similar for ease of kindling?
-- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.
@TechnoHippy - the Sarah and Reynolds relationship still feels a little awkward to me, but it is actually quite cool reading the slushy stuff about walks round the city when you know the demon is after her. Was a bit odd that Reynolds got shot in the head, she saw his "deathmask" but then it turns out he isn't dead. Maybe change the initial description there?
Also, the Dale story, that didn't really affect any of the other threads did it? I'm thinking that all the other people targetted by the demon have in some way contributed to the overall plot (eg Rob as the conduit for new computers; the party leader as a way of preventing tighter regulation) but Dale didn't really other than briefly being mentioned to Sarah.
I think in an edit either have a few more chapters of the demon screwing people over for the fun of it, or consider losing the Dale stuff. Just an idea though.
@MetalDog - got an inadvertent laugh from yours tonight. There was a bit in the bathroom with Walker when that lady, to paraphrase, "grabbed his penis, not hard...." left me with about three options. 1)It was flaccid; 2) his appendage is so large that she couldn't miss it; or 3) what I think you actually meant in that she didn't squeeze too hard
Anyway, aside from my childishness, it's more good stuff. It's more questions than answers at the moment, but that keeps me hooked.
@TechnoHippy - DAMMIT TECHNO THAT ISN'T AN ENDING?!?!?!
Get back to your desk and write the rest of it, I want to know what happens to Sarah, you git.
(slightly) more seriously, I liked it a lot. Thought that the final battle with the demon could be a bit more climatic but no other major issues.
Carbon_Altered wrote:Good chapter this. It feels tense. As it should be with a spyder on the loose and someone just decapitated. Looks like Brook (and me with her) is back to square one. Just as I thought things were about to be revealed with Billie being put on the spot and taking the word.
The trainee marines seemed equally unlikely. She couldn't believe it of Sully and Fuller; Sully wasn't clever enough and Fuller was too by the book. He also wouldn't be able to keep it to himself, the big gossip. Sully perhaps, she was certainly vicious enough, but did she have the ability? Brook couldn't see it.
That last marine should be Mason, right?
Metalfish 8,604 posts
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TechnoHippy wrote:Oh... Feedback! Om nom nom.
I somehow missed this earlier.
"The shift of attitude was to late though of saving him" - 'to' should be 'too'
"After the while the buzz isn’T good "
"Would you mind joying us?" - joying?
Nice, it all came together at the end.
And 'joying' someone should totally be a verb.
I dream of the day when the auto-correct features will gain a semblance of A.I. able to ask me if silly things like that are really what I wanted to write...
Metalfish lives!!! o_O
Edited by sunjumper at 23:39:17 03-12-2012
Chapter 23 - Peace
Tony and Nigel meet with Gerald about the previous day's show.
As is my way, I've knocked together a draft cover design for mine, even though it's months off being finished.
Description really is your strength. So many nice descriptive lines in this, typos aside you paint a vivid picture of the yuppification of industrial sites and the train. A particular favourite was:
Adrian was looking out of the window a breathtaking vista of what he suspected was the American mid-west passing him by with a slightly forced dignity.
Stryker was an actively depressing individual, instantly recognisable. The meeting with the devil explains why it's all been such a flop for Adrian so far - although I have trouble with the devil himself, who is thus far, far too nice to be the real thing imo =)
Looking forward to the critic!
Dan really is repellent, well done =)
The fact that Sarah turns up as his 'soulmate' does bad things for her, I think. May be intentional on your part, but worth pointing out, since she's shaping up like a protagonist thus far. It makes you wonder why she was a match for such a horrible little man.
Keep going peeps still writing! Stories want to be whole =D
From me, Overtime has begun - a scene I'm sure will need to be beaten vigorously with a stick at some point.
-- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.
@MetalDog - Reading yours this morning I realised that I didn't really know the other constabulary people (eg Yew, Jexter etc). I've just gone through it reading it as "Sway, Balestra and some random cop went here/did that". Only now, chapter 27 ish, am I realising that they are different people. I'm sure this is my own fault for concentrating on the heros too much, but I also wonder if the other cops could be developed more early on? Maybe give them their own chapter earlier? Introducing new characters away from the familiar faces would also give you the opportunity to explain more about the world / hepa etc for new readers.
It's a fair point.
That's largely down to me not knowing who was going to turn out to be Quite Important when I started the yarn. Characters I thought would be more important have stayed in the background, or dropped out altogether and characters that I expected to be background have muscled their way to the front, so the focus at the start was way off.
Diggs and Hostettler need to have focus taken off them at the start. Yew and Drake are the chief offenders in the grabbing more scene time department. You'll note Drake isn't even on the who's who list, which is hilarious with hindsight. It's going to be a biggish job, I reckon.
-- boobs do nothing for me, I want moustaches and chest hair.
Thanks for the feedback!
Well the Devil here has his own agenda, within the story he is also not a force of evil. If he was to be put in a negative light he is there pushing chaos and change leading to progress and he offers second chances to people who have lost their way but still have redeeming qualities.
The downside to this is the progress is always fraught with risk and that that those who mess up their second chances do so quite spectacularly.
Thanks for your kind words about the descriptions. My mind is very visual so when I imagine what happens in my stories I usually see the scene clearly in my mind’s eye. I write down what I see. The problem with that approach is that despite this following the 'show don't tell' rule is that this quickly devolves in me spooling off what can be seen. While this might work on a film script it kills ruins the flow of a written story. I think I have gotten better in that department.
I also need to remind me constantly that there are other sense beside sight. Adding sounds and smells and touch adds a lot to the scenes.
I think that I am finally getting a grip on conversations. This is still the part of my writing I am least happy about but I think I am moving forward.
About your story:
In contrast to Carbon I did not read the other cops as, other cop. But saw them as distinct character. At least by the time the became important I was comfortable with their personalities. Yew I think emerged organically. Drake feels like 'grumpy underling no.3' at most times but he does appear to me like a proper tertiary character.
Now that you mention it what the fuck did happen to Diggs and Hostettler? Is there a way that you can get them back into the main narrative? They come from Szwejkowski's side and could provide a lot of additional info on him, while also stressing how big the case has gotten?
And now some proper backing feeding.
That technician reminds me ever so slightly of Louis the receptionist in Project: Rain.
[…] just hoping the tech was following him in as freakless a way as possible […] Brilliant.
Finally we get to see a controller in all its sliced up creepiness. brrr
Damn. That tech in just a few words summed up the tragedy of the controllers. Very well done.
“ ‘Drop me Aldgate.’
‘Yes, milord.’ "
Another one that had me chuckling.
Sometimes I wonder how Yew manages to find enough room for his personality between all his prejudices and many flavours of intolerance…
At least he is a man of double compassion. :-D
He can be kind of nice in his personal style while still retaining his arseish ways.
In general I think that the controller situation is pretty much clear now. I’d wait for Salaman’s feedback on this, though I am confident that with this chapter the implications of what the controllers are, are now clear.
I also like how it shows what a bunch of monsters 4L are. I am especially amused that being turned into a controller is considered ‘life imprisonment’ at the same time I have no trouble at all imagining the rhetoric behind it nor the normal people who can’t grasp the monstrosity of the situation defending it passionately before their friends and acquaintances.
Which brings me back to Yew. I think you lucked out with his emergence because here you have a character that has an incredible potential for growth.
God that dude is insane… I bet not even weasels would fuck him.
Reading about the terrorists makes the events on the Vera Lynn so much creepier all of a sudden…
And we end this chapter with an extra big dose of cloaked daggers.
Loving it. (i.e. write faster)
Carbon_Altered wrote:I've not actually decided yet. He might be the devil himself
@TechnoHippy - yeah, Morton was an intriguing character. Were you thinking along the lines of him working for a group similar to the dudes that grabbed the main character in Cult of Me?
Here is the next chapter of my effort:
"Silence lapsed back down" sounds a bit odd.
"the pirates cut free from their plastic manacles so to be able to help" - Where they cut free? Or did they cut themselves free? (Pedant mode on)
I was hoping the spyder bot would make a reappearence.
Good to see something new from you
"but I can steal from structure of the universe" - this line teases me. What does it mean? I'm looking forward to finding out.
So I'm not teased for long
"She could have destroyed everything. I guess it's possible I could have too. At least she'd have done it on purpose." - another good line.
Good description of the nightmares.
Edited by TechnoHippy at 17:23:09 04-12-2012
Good job on the word count, even more so with an interesting story.
In your discussion about genres and successfull bbands it might be good to provide real life examples?
Nice solution for moving forwards. Passing on the septre is very symbolic too.
You appear to have duplicate paragraphs - "The plan worked." Or is a weird time warp
"There were small clubs that would shift a dozen bands over their tiny filthy stages in one night with the strange result at at least eighty percent of the audience was the bands that would play that night. " - this is an interesting observation.