The Daily Mash Page 3

  • Page

    of 5 First / Last

  • superdelphinus 4 Feb 2012 01:01:41 8,038 posts
    Seen 9 hours ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    andywilkie35 wrote:
    You mean I can pay for made up news? Good deal!

    Wait
    Yes paying for anything made up is madness

    ???
  • Ged42 4 Feb 2012 10:30:24 7,713 posts
    Seen 5 hours ago
    Registered 6 years ago
    Controversy in Fox's IT department

    So that's how you repair a broken server.
  • Dougs 2 Mar 2012 10:45:23 67,025 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-%26-technology/tyrannosaurus-rex-got-mad-respect-201203024964/

    :D
  • smoothpete 2 Mar 2012 12:22:09 31,469 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Ah I came to post the T-Rex one, loving that today

    Tyrannosaurus Rex got mad respect

    THE T-Rex received bare respect back in the day because of its powerful jaws but was not immune to haters, experts have claimed.

    As new research shows that Tyrannosaurus Rex had the strongest bite of any creature in history, scientists believe any dinosaurs fronting up to the mighty beast would have gotten instant bad man beat downs.

    Dinosaur street credibility expert Stephen Malley said: "Despite his physical prowess, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, or T as he would have been known, was basically safe. T would not go around merking other dinosaurs just because of some petty beef, or for jokes."

    But it was not always easy for the king of the dinosaurs to keep shit on point.

    Malley added: "Sometimes packs of velociprators or an allosaurus - another large but lesser-know theropod of the Jurassic era - would get up in T's grill.

    "But the mighty king would just do a screwface, showing all his big teeth and they would instantly back the fuck up, realising that T was a non-pettance bredrin. In that respect the Tyrannosaurus Rex was much like Ray Liotta.

    "Triceratops would often front, chatting stupidness and boying T, making him proper vexed because dinosaurs of the therapod and ceratopsid genuses have had beef since time.

    "But when the two clashed, triceratops would invariably get bruk up."

    However scientists remain divided on which, if any, of the saurians smoked draw.

    Malley said: "Probably brontosauruses smoked once in a while, but only when weed was easily available. They still would have had grazing, seasonal migration and other general shit to do, so it's likely they blazed a milder 'day weed' rather than mad hydro shit, which would also have made them all paranoid about the impending Ice Age."

    He added: "They would not have done any Class As though. You couldn't get them back then."
  • mal 3 Mar 2012 02:16:33 22,416 posts
    Seen 13 minutes ago
    Registered 13 years ago
    There was a bit about the Mash in this week's Culture Show, along with some other tosh about stuff that has either almost finished at the theatre, or is on too far away from you for you to go to.

    Cubby didn't know how to turn off sigs!

  • JuanKerr 18 May 2012 07:59:41 36,238 posts
    Seen 59 minutes ago
    Registered 8 years ago
    Mash on form as always :D
  • Razz 18 May 2012 10:58:10 61,002 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Loved the one about the Greek Trojan horse the other day. I was in tears of laughter! :D

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

  • Razz 18 May 2012 10:59:06 61,002 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Story:
    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/Greeks-apologise-with-huge-horse-2012051527146?ref=nf

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

  • Jono62 18 May 2012 11:01:21 14,021 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 6 years ago
    Both of those stories are fantastic :)
  • glo 18 May 2012 11:30:41 3,423 posts
    Seen 5 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    Greek Trojan Horse link is excellent. Cheers Razz.
  • Razz 7 Jun 2012 10:34:43 61,002 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    :'D

    Sober Britons risk dangerous levels of clarity

    "
    As the UK’s alcohol intake falls, doctors have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

    New NHS figures indicate a ‘long-term downward trend’ in alcohol consumption. But medical experts have warned that Britons who are not either slightly drunk or hungover will be unable to mentally process the awfulness that surrounds them.

    Doctor Tom Logan said: “I’m seeing patients who are very agitated and confused. They’re convinced that everyone is pretty hostile, the country is run by shady criminals and Essex is a real place.

    “I have to explain that all these notions are entirely accurate, but they’re just noticing for the first time because they’re off the sauce.

    “We must introduce a minimum alcohol intake – I’d suggest three pints per day – to provide a ‘booze cushion’ against the awfulness of reality. And we must do it before Big Brother comes back on television.”

    The extent of the problem is such that Dr Logan has produced a leaflet titled Introduction to Reality, describing the realities of alcohol-free living.

    He said: “It’s things like, when you go to the cinema and hear voices in the darkness, it’s not an aural hallucination, just that everyone’s really rude. And how the sky is that grey colour naturally.”

    Plumber Stephen Malley headbutted a sheet of plate glass on a trip to a shopping centre. He said: “I’d not been drinking for a few days, and the people just looked like bald yelping chimps dragging bags of pointless crud while stuffing pasties into their heads, like in a science fiction book or something.

    “Anti-alcohol campaigners don’t warn you about reality. They only care about livers and other internal organs that probably do nothing anyway.”
    "

    Edited by Razz at 10:35:29 07-06-2012

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

  • smoothpete 9 Jul 2012 10:50:04 31,469 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Big grey clouds verbally abusing the UK

    "Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I was walking home from work without my umbrella when I heard a booming voice say, ‘Hey, look up!’

    “It appeared to be coming from the sky. And when I looked up this cloud said, ‘How you like these apples, motherfucker?’ and fired a blast of rain into my face.""
  • Razz 9 Jul 2012 11:17:04 61,002 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    :D Mash has been on stellar form these past few months, it really is quite something to behold.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

  • Load_2.0 9 Jul 2012 11:37:26 19,113 posts
    Seen 19 minutes ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Ahhhhhaaaaahahahahahahaha. I loved this.

    “I angrily shook my fist at the cloud and called it a floating devil, but it simply responded, ‘I’m in the sky, you can’t do shit.””
  • Rusty_M 9 Jul 2012 12:27:54 4,639 posts
    Seen 5 hours ago
    Registered 7 years ago
    Just read these for the first time today.

    Why the hell did I wait so long?

    The world is going mad. Me? I'm doing fine.

  • Cadence 9 Jul 2012 12:51:05 1,684 posts
    Seen 18 minutes ago
    Registered 8 years ago
    Been reading the daily mash for a few years and I agree, the last few months they have been on superb form, I haven't laughed so much in ages.
  • Immaterial 10 Jul 2012 09:29:04 1,326 posts
    Seen 33 minutes ago
    Registered 7 years ago
    50 shades of Clegg.

    "He sucked out the peach stone, like some pedigree sex hoover, and spat it into my forehead, making a small dent."

    Think I'll just switch everything off.

  • Razz 12 Jul 2012 09:52:06 61,002 posts
    Seen 2 hours ago
    Registered 12 years ago
    'Darkest ever' Batman just a black screen

    :D

    CHRISTOPHER Nolan’s latest Batman film consists of a cinema screen that remains black and silent for two-and-a-half hours.

    The director has described The Dark Knight Rises as ‘the darkest Batman ever’ and ‘taking edgy, moody nihilism to its logical conclusion’.

    Nolan said: “During the development process, none of the storyboards were looking dark, edgy or moody enough for me.

    “In a fit of despair I doodled a rectangle and filled it in with a black marker pen. I realised it was the perfect expression of Bruce Wayne’s inner void.”

    As well as having no moving images, Nolan opted to tell the story of Batman’s battle with the murderous lunatic Bane without sound.

    Nolan said: “There is no sound in the abyss, only emptiness.”

    Test audience member Nikki Hollis said: “The black silence becomes strangely meditative.

    “I found myself considering some deep Batman-related questions, like if you punch the Penguin in a forest and there’s no-one around, does it still make a ‘ka-pow’ sound?

    Cinemagoer Tom Logan said: “Well it sounds interesting but I’m not sure it’s the fun time I’m after. I was thinking of taking my kids but they tend to prefer sassy talking donkeys to silent contemplation of existential angst.”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Steam/PSN/XBOX: Razztafarai | 3DS: 1246-9674-8856
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

  • smoothpete 18 Jul 2012 09:10:53 31,469 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Coe smashes 'biggest bollocking' world record
  • henro_ben 18 Jul 2012 09:22:17 2,215 posts
    Seen 2 days ago
    Registered 8 years ago
    smoothpete wrote:
    Coe smashes 'biggest bollocking' world record
    Great article, forwarded it to my gf yesterday as she's working with them at the moment. Love the "gonk-faced shitwit whose only achievement is exuding about enough body heat to keep a chair warm" description, arf!
  • Anthony_UK 27 Jul 2012 12:32:18 2,473 posts
    Seen 5 hours ago
    Registered 9 years ago
    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/opening-ceremony-a-good-time-to-bury-bad-newcastle-2012072736027
  • TechnoHippy 16 Aug 2012 13:08:34 14,705 posts
    Seen 21 hours ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    This one had my sandwich across the desk :-)

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/street-fighter-tainted-by-van-damme-sex-claims-2012081638293

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • boo 23 Aug 2012 15:14:45 11,735 posts
    Seen 40 minutes ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Given that many of the Mash stories are parodies of actual news reports, does anyone know if this is based on fact. Doesn't matter how tenuous, anything will do!

    Slightly NSFW headline.

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • X201 23 Aug 2012 15:20:56 15,228 posts
    Seen 35 minutes ago
    Registered 8 years ago
    boo wrote:
    Given that many of the Mash stories are parodies of actual news reports, does anyone know if this is based on fact. Doesn't matter how tenuous, anything will do!

    Slightly NSFW headline.

    http://www.metro.co.uk/news/908264-oral-sex-the-latest-morning-sickness-cure-that-might-be-hard-to-swallow
  • TechnoHippy 11 Sep 2012 13:00:23 14,705 posts
    Seen 21 hours ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Another good one today:

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/war/we-kind-of-assumed-that-army-tells-taleban-2012091140692

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • boo 21 Sep 2012 09:00:08 11,735 posts
    Seen 40 minutes ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    Makes a strange kind of sense to me.

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • TechnoHippy 5 Oct 2012 13:05:36 14,705 posts
    Seen 21 hours ago
    Registered 11 years ago
    I'm liking today's :-)

    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/britain-trapped-in-downward-spiral-of-bicycle-addiction-2012100543811

    My books, contests, reviews and author interviews on my blog

  • smoothpete 10 Oct 2012 08:30:23 31,469 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Bake-Off will last as long as the recession, says BBC

    "Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “I must be able to eat brownies all day and then come home to a programme about enthusiastic amateurs making brownies that, somehow, seem even more delicious.

    “Otherwise I will paint the office walls with the blood of my enemies.”
    "
  • smoothpete 10 Oct 2012 08:32:34 31,469 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    Also:

    Cowardly Baumgartner finds flimsy excuse

    Internationally renowned coward Felix Baumgartner has manufactured a pathetic excuse so he does not have to jump out of a balloon from 120,000 feet.

    In a move described by experts as ‘typically Austrian’, the self-styled daredevil said he could not descend towards the Earth at the speed of sound because it was ‘a bit windy’.

    He was immediately denounced by British daredevils who said that if they had ever tried to hurtle downwards at 340 metres per second the last thing they would have worried about was the direction of the air in which they were travelling.

    Brian Thompson, the last Briton to jump off a garage, said: “Poof.”
  • smoothpete 21 Dec 2012 10:12:19 31,469 posts
    Seen 5 minutes ago
    Registered 10 years ago
    http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/britain-stops-pretending-to-care-2012122154319
  • Page

    of 5 First / Last

Log in or register to reply