Does anyone know any really GOOD jokes? Page 49

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  • speedofthepuma 30 Jul 2013 13:39:46 13,266 posts
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    The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!!

    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
    I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

    Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    Paddy says “Mick , I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

    Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

    The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going through the change.”

    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
    What a pair of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

    Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

    Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

    A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

    Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

    Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
    It was a lovely service.

    19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”
    Mick replies , “The film said 18 or over.”

    An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

    I've turned off all the avatars and crap, so don't expect me to be impressed by yours.

  • kinky_mong 30 Jul 2013 14:07:21 9,946 posts
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    Have you stolen Tim Vine's jokebook?

    Actually seeing the last few jokes it's more like Bernard Manning's.

    I'll never get my Orc looking the same again.

  • Load_2.0 30 Jul 2013 14:12:34 18,869 posts
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    speedofthepuma wrote:

    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    Taking these. You can keep the rest.
  • speedofthepuma 30 Jul 2013 14:15:50 13,266 posts
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    I c&p an e-mail. I didn't vet any of them.

    I've turned off all the avatars and crap, so don't expect me to be impressed by yours.

  • BillMurray 30 Jul 2013 14:33:12 7,605 posts
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    Why don't witches get pregnant?

    Because their boyfriends have hollow weenies.


    What kind of trousers does Mario wear?

    denim denim denim

    Edited by BillMurray at 14:34:45 30-07-2013
  • cubbymoore 30 Jul 2013 17:54:08 36,468 posts
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    What do you call a conspirator that's fallen out of a tree?

    A coconspirator.



    hello?
  • boo 31 Jul 2013 12:04:51 11,703 posts
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    What's the weather like on your planet?

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • boo 5 Aug 2013 12:02:46 11,703 posts
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    Professor Schrodinger is driving along when he gets pulled over by the police in a random vehicle check.

    "Mind if I take a look around the car, sir?" asked the officer.

    "Go right ahead." the Schrodinger replies.

    A few moments later, the officer returned to the driver's window.

    "Sir. Do you know you have a dead cat in your boot?"

    "Well," said Schrodinger, "I do now!"





    A guy goes to get his hair cut, and takes his six year old daughter with him. As the guy sits down in the chair, the little girl stands right next to him, while eating a bun.

    "Hey sweetie," says the barber, "You're going to get hair on your muffin."

    "Yeah," she replies. "I'm going to get tits, too."

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • wogsy81 5 Aug 2013 12:04:41 717 posts
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    Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a hotel room wearing an Everton strip?

    The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
  • speedofthepuma 5 Aug 2013 12:06:45 13,266 posts
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    Boo, that muffin joke is supurb.

    I've turned off all the avatars and crap, so don't expect me to be impressed by yours.

  • TarickStonefire 5 Aug 2013 12:24:10 2,897 posts
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    Horse walks into a bar, barman says, "Why the long face?"

    It's funny because horses really do have long faces.

    /Sheldon

    Edited by TarickStonefire at 12:24:17 05-08-2013

    Any Netflix library in the world for a couple of quid a month? Gimme!

  • Mola_Ram 5 Aug 2013 12:26:49 6,952 posts
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    Horse walks into a bar, barman says, "Why the long face?"

    Horse says, "I just found out I have cancer"
  • X201 5 Aug 2013 12:29:21 15,124 posts
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    I only realised the double meaning of the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke the other day.
  • OptimusPube 5 Aug 2013 12:35:39 2,907 posts
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    Knock knock

    Who's there?

    Biggish

    You better watch out.
    You better beware.
    Albert said E=MC²

  • boo 7 Aug 2013 16:09:16 11,703 posts
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    The bartender says we dont serve your kind.



    A faster than light neutron walks into a bar...

    Just Another Lego Blog

  • Metalfish 7 Aug 2013 16:13:32 8,786 posts
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    @boo, Ah, boffins telling jokes. Use "cupcake" instead of "bun" in the lead up to improve that one, I reckon.

    I caught this guy applying a tint to the front of my house last night. I told him to never darken my door again.
  • Metalfish 7 Aug 2013 16:29:14 8,786 posts
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    I plugged my laptop into the mains...

    ...and then they threw me out of the restaurant.
  • cubbymoore 7 Aug 2013 16:33:21 36,468 posts
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    ahhhhh, we didn't know he was in a restaurant
  • Metalfish 7 Aug 2013 16:36:09 8,786 posts
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    Every time I ask the other half for a microwave she just wags her finger.
  • cubbymoore 7 Aug 2013 16:37:59 36,468 posts
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    buy it yourself then you cheap git
  • LeoliansBro 7 Aug 2013 16:38:07 43,212 posts
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    X201 wrote:
    I only realised the double meaning of the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke the other day.
    ?

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • RedSparrows 7 Aug 2013 16:40:22 21,992 posts
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    other side
  • LeoliansBro 7 Aug 2013 16:42:13 43,212 posts
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    ...that's the single meaning, yep.

    LB, you really are a massive geek.

  • Metalfish 7 Aug 2013 16:43:42 8,786 posts
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    Alright cubby, you win. I'll stop making up crap jokes and leave this thread to people who can steal them from funnier people. :'(
  • cubbymoore 7 Aug 2013 16:43:53 36,468 posts
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    why did the chicken cross the road?

    because he'd pood all over it
  • cubbymoore 7 Aug 2013 16:44:38 36,468 posts
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    actually thats more how did the chicken cross the road
  • X201 7 Aug 2013 16:45:37 15,124 posts
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    LeoliansBro wrote:
    X201 wrote:
    I only realised the double meaning of the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke the other day.
    ?
    as Red Sparrows pointed out.


    The joke has two meanings.

    The silly angle, Why would a chicken cross the road + the obvious answer; to get to the other side of the road.

    and the "other side" meaning death.

    Why did the chicken cross the road, because he wanted to kill himself.

    Edited by X201 at 16:47:28 07-08-2013
  • Rich72 7 Aug 2013 16:47:45 531 posts
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    I threw my wife a surprise bukkake party for her birthday....

    Oh, you should have seen her face

    Edited by Rich72 at 16:51:19 07-08-2013

    GT: Rich 72 PSN: LordVelvet

  • cubbymoore 7 Aug 2013 16:47:50 36,468 posts
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    that would be why did the chicken walk into the middle of the road and stop.

    note the use of the word cross, that means it crossed over and reached the other side.
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