Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Review

Speak no evil

Behind you! A three headed monkey!

One such curious commuter saw me slashing away with Pirates of the Caribbean and was moved to break the code of silence that all Londoners undertake when travelling. Figuring that I was probably not a foaming lunatic, he asked, not unreasonably, "Is that Tomb Raider? I'm thinking of getting that." There's too much hacking and slashing for it to be Tomb Raider, but nice guess. "No, it's the Pirates of the Caribbean game, but it's a bit generic - don't bother," I admitted. "Thanks for the review," he replied, blissfully unaware that he was talking to the famously anonymous Editor of Eurogamer.

An hour later along the slowest, hottest five mile tube journey ever I'd romped through a third of Dead Man's Chest, mostly by hitting X followed by triangle, or the other way around. What I should have told the curious gentleman was that it's a bit like an entirely brainless Prince of Persia, without the subtlety or design genius, with a smidgen of Tomb Raider-lite platforming to give the illusion of it being some sort of swashbuckling, exploratory platform-combat adventure starring a wobbly Jack Sparrow. Truly, it's one of the most crushingly generic gaming experiences ever designed. As in, in the history of gaming. And it's in the UK Top 5.. What's wrong with people? What would make them want to part with actual Earth currency to torture themselves with flaccid attempts at capturing the comedy spirit of a blockbuster movie? Just give me the money. I can torture you with my record collection far more effectively.

With literally nothing else to play apart from another couple of underwhelming-looking PSP games and a 25 year-old shooter, I soldiered on. You know, just in case the repetitive design, shoddy, one-dimensional combat, pathetically obvious puzzling, creaking, unforgivable frame rate and appalling visuals were just some sort of elaborate trick. It must get better. Surely BVG can't actually release high profile games in such a forlorn state and expect no-one to notice?

But in typical 'shove-it-out-to-cash-in-on-the-movie' style, the entire single-player offering is exactly as bad as the first few sections suggest, only it feels worse because you feel your soul slowly ebbing away the longer you go on (so if nothing else it's like serving a hundred years under the mast). Sure, you earn three 'power' attacks that you can stab into life with the up, right or left on d-pad to help you get out of those perennially annoying occasions when baddies surround you. But, even with these new additions the core gameplay doesn't change a jot from the first level to the last.

Braaaaaains

Repeat after me: hackslashhackslashhackslash.

The environments might change a little here and there, but it makes no difference whether you're in the prison or slashing aboard a ship - it's the same bland, crate-filled murky gloom throughout (which means the game is all but unplayable outside in daylight - rendering it useless as a handheld game in many situations). As you progress from the Prison Guards, to the Pirates to the Skeletons to the Zombies, all the game's enemies broadly present the exact same challenge and display the same brainless tactics all the way through. The later levels might throw a few more waves at you and arm them with guns (as opposed to merely lumbering idiotically in your direction and taking it in turns to flail wildly), but you're also equipped with a limited stock of projectiles (wine bottles, pistols, bombs) that give you a chance to take them out from distance too. For a more precise insight into just how dreadful this game really is, a typical level goes a bit like this:

Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Pick up health. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Carry explosive barrel to the door-that-you-obviously-need-to-get-through, pick up handy flaming torch placed right next to said explosive barrel. Light barrel with handily placed flaming torch. Stand well back. Boom. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Pick up health. Pick up map piece. Pick up projectile. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Jump across three ropes. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Perform 'piratey' move and slide down a big ol' rope. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Fire projectile at annoying posse of enemies surrounding you. Shimmy across a ledge. Avoid the rubbish 'traps'. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Drop chandelier on enemy's head. Hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash hack slash. Shoot really determined enemies. Cue cut-scene.

Actually, the cut-scenes are probably the best bit about the game. The main characters bear a decent resemblance to their real life counterparts (particularly Depp's sozzled Jack Sparrow reprise), and the voice-overs are tip-top. But all-too soon you're plunged back into dark, seething despair, to a place that game design forgot. And yet, somehow, it gets worse. In what amounts to a blatant attempt to pad a shockingly short game out, you even have to eventually fight through five entirely pointless Battle Arenas in order to face off against the final boss. Each time, you'll face four 'waves' of enemies and have to hackandslash and hackandslash a bit more, because obviously that's what we enjoyed most about it. It's essentially the same as the main part of the game, but, you know, without any of the vaguely interesting bits that involve actual thinking. Joy.