Monopoly, Boggle, Yahtzee, Battleship Review

By John Walker Published 4 August, 2006

BORED games more like! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Version tested: DS

Right, so I'm going to put as much effort into reviewing this as Atari/Sensory put into making it. It's rubbish. Don't bother with it.

...

Really? I have to do more? That doesn't seem fair.

I mentioned recently how the DS is so very wonderful because it causes developers to have to think. Well, I'm not wrong. But unfortunately sometimes what they think is, "Blimey, we can just stick any old crap on that and use the stylus like a mouse."

On the little plastic square are four games: Boggle, Monopoly, Yahtzee and Battleships. Four games it's hard to find the energy to bother disliking, although I could live with never playing Monopoly ever again.

So here's the problem: They're not single-player games. And really, is there any appeal in any of them to play against AI? "Ooh! Computer! You sank my battleship! You dastardly inanimate object." It's not exactly chess.

'Monopoly, Boggle, Yahtzee, Battleship' Screenshot 1

Oh, just look how tacky it is. And it's bloody Monopoly, for goodness sakes.

Boggle is perhaps most orientated for a single-player mode. I don't have to have an opponent when challenging myself to extract as many words as I can from the grid of sixteen letters. In fact, after the way I treated my little sister as a child, I shouldn't be allowed opponents. She would look up from furiously scribbling down words and ask, "How do you spell 'COUNT'?" and I would tell her and then say, "But there's no point in you writing that down now, cos I have it." And she so naively would comply. Oh god, I feel terrible. I deserve this version of the game to be such a complete mess.

Pathetically, all four modes of play on offer (very slight variants on the norm) share the same high score table - collect 100 words in the rubbish Word Find mode, and it will top your much smaller Classic mode scores. Sure, who cares, but it's a good example of the complete lack of attention to detail throughout. Far worse would be that regular words are inexplicably missing from its dictionary, such as, astonishingly, "NEED" or "GRANT". Huh?

Some readers might not have had their lifetime fill of Monopoly, and like the idea of a game. It's recreated fairly faithfully (apart from when landing on 'Go To Jail', the animated police van that drives you there flipping goes past 'Go', which I'm fairly sure is clearly stipulated against), but it's so dismally slow that it makes the real life equivalent seem positively action-packed. And anyway, the only fun part is when other people forget to charge rent, and the game does that automatically. Yes, it's Monopoly on your DS. But oh God, it's Monopoly on your DS.

'Monopoly, Boggle, Yahtzee, Battleship' Screenshot 2

That's right, it knows 'SOT', but not 'NEED'.

As for Battleships, you can play it on a piece of paper. Nuff said. Which leaves Yahtzee. As with Battleships, playing against the computer is of limited appeal. And it's a shocking mess, confusing in appearance, and when fathomed, mind-crushingly slow. You can enjoy all the visceral excitement of trying to get some 5s over and over again, but with broken dice animations!

Of course, there's multiplayer modes for all four, with hot-seat on a single DS, single-cart play, and multi-cart options. But here's a thought: if there's two of you in a room, WHY NOT JUST PLAY MONOPOLY? Nothing is gained by not having to set up the board. And if you're so soulless as to think that an improvement, you deserve this tacky, horribly dated rubbish.

So you might be thinking, "Well, actually, I wouldn't mind a quick game of Yahtzee now and then," or "Challenging myself at Boggle seems a good way to pass time on the train." And I was thinking the same thoughts before I played. How can you screw it up? Well, the answer is to use awful graphics, and arrange everything in the most frustrating manner imaginable, and then have a Boggle dictionary that apparently doesn't speak English. It's all so lazy and cheap-looking that it spoils any fun. In fact, just simplifying everything down to 2D would have been an improvement, rather than the half-arsed 3D splodges.

So why 3 out of 10 and not 1? Because should you want to, you can almost play Monopoly, Boggle, Yahtzee and Battleships on it. Just in a really tacky, and depressingly lonely way. And you might want to take advantage of the wireless multiplayer, but really that just makes you weird. Play proper board games if you're in the same room, for goodness sakes. It's a lazy mess, and you deserve better.

3 / 10

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About John Walker

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Comments (39) Latest comment 6 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Salaman #1 6 years ago

    First !

    Sorry not putting in more effort than that.
    :-)

  • PuffyPipe #2 6 years ago

    You sank my battleship!

  • melw #3 6 years ago

    This review almost makes me want to try this game...

  • Yoghurt_Pot #4 6 years ago

    Is it just me or is there only one "E" in the word grid shown in the review. ^^

  • reality_cheque #5 6 years ago

    I admit I've not played boggle in a while, but don't all the letters need to connect in a line? Which would explain why it didn't accept 'need'.

  • reality_cheque #6 6 years ago

    Is it just me or is there only one "E" in the word grid shown in the review
    That too :p Methinks John does not know the rules of boggle.

  • smelly #7 6 years ago

    Well I dont have any friends to play these games with, so it's perfect for me :-)

  • Cuke #8 6 years ago

    lol I imagine its possible that the screenshot isnt from them exact moment 'NEED' was atempted... ;)

    anyway, for some reason I really had fun reading that review, such joyess hatred makes me think there should be a 'games I hate' reviews section on here... ;)

  • Darkedge #9 6 years ago

    can't spell so don't care about boggle tbh - never liked it (dyslexic)

    However I've played alot of this with friends when waiting for trains, travelling and when the pubs dead. Single player - no thanks. But I'd buy it if I had a DS.

  • MrChuckles #10 6 years ago

    Shitty boardgames translated into shitty computer versions.

    Why not put on some good less well known boardgames like Blokus, Memoir 44, or even Skirrid?

  • hjarg666 #11 6 years ago

    At least one thing is good:
    the worse the game is, the better read the review is :)

  • Perry #12 6 years ago

    Quite true Frod

  • smelly #13 6 years ago

    Yeah.. shit... ds is getting almost as bad as the ps2 for shit games isnt it?

    nah.. that'd take a while.

  • Eldritch #14 6 years ago

    Can't wait to see this on PS3 in 2007.

  • Sko #15 6 years ago

    Didn't think I'd ever see a "If you want to play X, just go play X" type comment in a review. It's usually only used by trolls to slate games.

  • PearOfAnguish #16 6 years ago

    "How do you spell 'COUNT'?"

    You missed a golden opportunity to get your sister in trouble for swearing.

  • Rev.StuartCampbell #17 6 years ago

    "Why not put on some good less well known boardgames like Blokus, Memoir 44, or even Skirrid?"

    Because you've just made all of those up?

  • Azazel #18 6 years ago

    Man you really would need to have nothing better to do...

    I mean what is the point of computerising board games? Because it requires piss all in the way of effort to produce compared with, oh say... some kind of original concept?

    Oh... right.

  • chupachups #19 6 years ago

    Cost of DS game = £30

    versus

    Cost of Battleships = two pieces of paper, two pencils

    Cost of Yahtzee = five dice

    Cost of Boggle = £13 new (£9 used) on Amazon UK

    Cost of Monopoly = £11 new (£10 used) on Amazon UK

    ...so basically you could buy all these board games in real life for less than the cost of the video game.

    This collection might have worked if they'd allowed online play, but on its own there's just not enough here to justify the price tag.

  • Kami #20 6 years ago

    "You shanked my Jenga ship!"

    "... We're playing Connect 4!"

  • caligari #21 6 years ago

    It's not THAT expensive.

    I'm sure Movietyme were selling it for about 16 pounds.

    Not that I'd buy it for that price either. :/

  • botherer #22 6 years ago

    Oh you silly people. The word NEED was from a different grid.

  • Talha #23 6 years ago

    @Smelly: Welcome back. That is the Smelly we know and --- never mind. Keep it up! Never mind that it was completely irrelevant, you had to get a rant against PS2 edgeways in this thread.

    @Everybody else: Hey, Monopoly is NOT a shitty game OK? Don't you dare insult Monopoly in front of me!!!!

  • Thorbar #24 6 years ago

    Now Jenga would be a great game to try to implement on the ds.

  • return-path #25 6 years ago

    Appalling. Everyone knows Super Boggle is the only way to play.

  • AOFanboi #26 6 years ago

    There are PC versions of Ticket to Ride and Puerto Rico available, perhaps they could be ported to the DS? The less said about the PC port of Diplomacy the better, though.

  • The_Foo_Fighter #27 6 years ago

    I know it's not strictly in the rules but rearranging the letters in the screenshot, you can get:

    U WANT SAD TOFU SEX


    (we'll ignore the remaining 'R')

  • botherer #28 6 years ago

    Including the R:

    TOUTS EARWAX FUNDS

    and, er

    DEXTROUS ANUS WAFT

  • smelly #29 6 years ago

    @Talha:

    Come on.. You're not taking any of my comments seriously?

    But I thought if people accused me of being a troll.. may as well be one :-)

    Especially when people post the stuff that i was replying too..
    Edited by 1 at 05/08/06 @ 11:10

  • Carrybagma #30 6 years ago

    Board games are great, and Monopoly is the best. Cheating, bribing, blackmail, throwing tantrums, throwing the board and contents into the air when losing. ahhhh. No game is more fun.

    @Talha - I thought *you* had gone! Smelly has been faithfully moderating Ninty threads for the past..ummm.. while. Well, when I've looked anyway. Never understood why he never goes into the forum though. Are T.G. and smelly the same person?? (kidding) :o)

  • smelly #31 6 years ago

    I stear clear of forums.. I get too tempted to wind up blinkered fanboys who think the ps2 is good.

  • Lex_Luthor #32 6 years ago

    I think I'm starting to understand why people call smelly a troll.

  • smelly #33 6 years ago

    Gawd.. there's always one idiot who doesnt get irony.

  • Lex_Luthor #34 6 years ago

    Actually, I was just trying to bait you for a laugh smelly. Sorry :)

    I'm actually quite a fan of your rants when someone says anything against the Wii. Keep those coming.

  • botherer #35 6 years ago

    Oh give it a rest you lot. Big important international gaming site filled with your micro-squabbling = very silly.

    Now appreciate my excellent rude anagram.

  • ProtoformX #36 6 years ago

    See, the issue with the DS is that it makes developers think loads or not at all. Sometimes a truyly great DS port comes out that sets the version of the game aside from versions on other formats due to good use of the touch screen. Unfortunately, most of these games are made by Nintendo. Other developers still have to fully catch on. Quite a lot of DS games give me the impression you could easily remove the touch screen feature and release it on the GBA.
    Still, the DS is still my fave handheld console. I'm waiting for the PSP to get some more truly original titles on it before I even think about getting one.

  • BBIAJ #37 6 years ago

    Picked this up for £20 from Toys "R" Us, as I love Boggle and Battleships, and the varied graphics sets for Battleships are a nice touch!

    Monopoly passes the time on long journeys too.

    Not tried Yahtzee yet though...

  • Talha #38 6 years ago

    @Smelly: Come on, nobody was serious. I have returned after a long time to the forums and I was just trying to emulate some famous past flame wars, seeing that everyone has gone so depressingly reasonable lately. . It is all good fun as long as you are prepared to admit to being a troll. ;-)

    @Carry: Actually I was right here, but it seems a lot of us have chosen different threads to impart our infinite knowledge. Thanks for bowing to the Temple of Monopoly along with me!

  • Doobie #39 6 years ago

    I got this game a week or 2 ago and it is great fun on 2 player!
    Battleships, Monopoly and Boogle are all timeless classics converted well to the DS. They pass the time on train journeys at least.
    Yahzee sucks big time though.
    And I do not recommended any of these games on 1 player, apart from Boggle.