Golden Axe: Beast Rider Review

By Dan Whitehead Published 17 October, 2008

Pony.

Version tested: Xbox 360

Over the last year or so, it seems as if many publishers have finally got a handle on the retro revival. Namco gave us Pac-Man Championship Edition and Galaga Legions, both classic in style yet undeniably modern in construction. Capcom brought back a slew of their 1980s classics, with Commando, 1942, Bionic Commando and Mega Man all receiving good to great retro-styled modern sequels. And here comes SEGA - having got it so right with After Burner on the PSP - once again flailing around and looking hopelessly out of touch.

Golden Axe: Beast Rider is the sort of lazy, depressing remake that used to be the norm. It takes its name from a classic arcade game but everything else is generic and bland, a bargain basement facsimile of, for some reason, Heavenly Sword.

As in Sony's decent but forgettable romp, our heroine is a buxom flame-haired warrior, set loose in a button-mashing hackandslash environment to carve her way through hordes of enemies with a fabled magical weapon. You can summon up magical attacks, which are a pain to aim. You can throw the Golden Axe to hit switches and other items, but it's slow to aim. You can ride on a variety of beasts, but they're sluggish to control. In fact, it's hard to find a single aspect of the gameplay that hasn't been grossly mishandled in some vital way. Nothing here feels intuitive, inviting or even fun.

The beasts, for example, are not only a nightmare to control but they're apparently made from tissue paper and plasticine. Their health is pathetically low, and they're even more vulnerable to damage than the lithe and nearly naked young woman riding on their backs. They also have special attacks that reduce their health whenever you use them. Ride them into battle and you'll likely be knocked off instantly, only for an enemy to jump on board, when suddenly the beast becomes almost impervious to injury. Rather than being majestic mounts that allow you to crush everything in your path, these poor dumb animals prove to be a hindrance to progress whenever you're required to use them. It's actually best to jump on, use them to smash whatever predictable barrier has appeared in your way, and then jump off again.

'Golden Axe: Beast Rider' Screenshot 1

Ooh, a blue attack! You can parry those, but not evade them. That makes sense.

The core combat isn't much better. As well as the expected fast/strong attack choices, you also have a horribly compromised combo and defence system with which to contend. Different enemy attacks require different responses - parry or evade - and you have to press the correct shoulder button when the attack starts, helpfully flashing either blue or orange as it begins. Trouble is, the button response is fussy and it's entirely possible to be blocking one attack and have no chance to respond to another coming from a different direction. It doesn't even make sense - why would you be unable to evade only one kind of attack, or block another?

The game claims to have a fluid combo system, so that attack patterns can be broken at any time and chained into something else should the situation demand it, but it never really works that way. More often than not you're simply pummelled from all sides and resort to button-mashing to clear your way out. There's absolutely no style, grace or depth to the fighting - just a bunch of concepts half-borrowed from far better games. Judged purely as a melee fighter, this new Golden Axe is demonstrably worse than pretty much all its rivals.

'Golden Axe: Beast Rider' Screenshot 2

Your dinosaur pal is even more stupid than he looks.

Enemies are dim-witted, and inhabit some of the most drearily designed levels it's been my misfortune to explore. They're linear to a fault, and so repetitive that it's easy to get turned around in combat and find yourself backtracking to the start while thinking you're pressing ahead. The animation on Tyris is hilariously bad, her movements stiff and laughably doll-like as she stumbles around. Remember in The Muppet Movie, when they'd cut away to Kermit's legs being moved around on sticks to show him moving? That's how Tyris runs.

For these reasons alone, Beast Rider is an execrable experience, and without the title to tip you off you wouldn't even identify Beast Rider as part of the Golden Axe lineage. It's single-player only, with no online or offline co-op, which flies in the face of what Golden Axe was all about. You also have no choice of character. The big-boobed warrior chick looks best on the box, so she's the star of the show.

It would have been far better to follow Namco and Capcom and resurrect the series as a modernised sequel in a downloadable retro style. Castle Crashers has already shown that there's a market for well-produced 2D hackandslash, but instead we get this utterly charmless and shamelessly derivative 3D shrug of a game. SEGA might as well have released this as The Adventures of Fiery Boob Lady, and left their mothballed franchise with at least modicum of dignity.

3 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Dan.

About Dan Whitehead

Dan has been writing for Eurogamer since 2006 and specialises in RPGs, shooters and games for children. His bestest game ever is Julian Gollop's Chaos.

Read more articles from Dan by visiting the Dan Whitehead archive page.

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Comments (87) Latest comment 3 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Widge #1 3 years ago

    "helpfully flashing either blue or orange as it begins"

    oh hello Heavenly Sword!

  • Fab4 #2 3 years ago

    News Item pic looks like Lindsay Lohan.

  • myiagros #3 3 years ago

    supprise!

    \sarcasm mode off

  • DuTraveller #4 3 years ago

    without co-op offline?? that is sooooooooooooo shitty!!

  • Eraysor #5 3 years ago

    Shame really, because the originals were totally epic. I hope they don't try and make another Streets of Rage 4 and screw that up too.

  • Carpathian #6 3 years ago

    {Saw tagline of 'Pony'}

    {laughed out loud at desk at work}

    Probably got more enjoyment out of the EG titling than I would from the game it seems.

  • LockeTribal #7 3 years ago

    Quite like the sound of "Adventures of Fiery Boob Lady".

  • Redeye #8 3 years ago

    Had a nasty suspicion this was going to be utter pelt, not exactly overjoyed to have that confirmed. SEGA could have had a really nice title on their hands, instead of something only slightly less appealling than stepping in dog poo.

    Shame.

  • saku_luk #9 3 years ago

    Damn it, and here I thot I might enjoy another slasher after Heavenly Sword, which was short as hell but at least fun to play ~_~

    Thanks for the review ;p I might grab this but when the price drops even on used copies xD

  • Darren #10 3 years ago

    I trust Dan's reviews so this is most certainly crossed off my "To Buy Next Year" list! I wonder if there'll be a demo...

    I had a feeling it might not be good with the absence of reviews or even previews from all the major players prior to its release today. Shame really as I was interested in it after watching the two promising Making Of features on the Xbox LIVE Marketplace. Still at this time of year don't want too many good games, do we? ;)
    Edited by 1 at 17/10/08 @ 11:45

  • SimonM7 #11 3 years ago

    Yeah, this game has looked like shit for so long. Secret Level was the most bewildering purchase Sega could've possibly made, what with abysmal efforts like Final Fight Streetwise.

  • DFawkes #12 3 years ago

    Let's make a great co-op game single player!

    Instant, inevitable failure right there.

  • Razz #13 3 years ago

    :D Hilarious review! Almost as funny as Ellie.

  • Gnort #14 3 years ago

    The review pretty much confirms everything I thought would be wrong with the game when I read about it in development. It's a shame, as I loved the original, but this seems to have nothing in common with it.

  • Beano #15 3 years ago

    Not as good as Lair, then ?

  • Phily50 #16 3 years ago

    Did anyone expect this to be actually any good?

  • menage #17 3 years ago

    Oh dear.

    Fucked my favorite childhood game right up the ass hay.

  • Aretak #18 3 years ago

    3/10? It's a post-Dreamcast Sega game alright.

  • SteveB #19 3 years ago

    Anyone who likes this sort of game and hasn't checked out Conan (not the MMORPG one) should do so. It's only £10 now and it's an enjoyable little romp with some excellent design decisions e.g. check pointing boss fight phases.

    Oh and it’s got boobs in it.

  • rudedudejude #20 3 years ago

    little tail whipping mounted guys ftw!

  • spookyzombie #21 3 years ago

    3/10 is very harsh. I thought it was more middle of the road, so I'd 5/10 it.

  • ZuluHero #22 3 years ago

    how does this compare to Viking Battle for Asgard?

    If you enjoyed that is there a chance that you will enjoy this as much? Looking at meta critic this game has such a huge range of review scores (just like viking) so does it suffer from the same thing - like a marmite game (ie some will love and others will hate)?

    The scores on metacritic range from 30% -70% , which is such a huge range. To put things in perspective, a 7/10 on here would be respectable enough to buy and play.
    Edited by 1 at 17/10/08 @ 11:59

  • pbz #23 3 years ago

    lol saw this comming a mile off

  • Garulon #24 3 years ago

    "Did anyone expect this to be actually any good? "

    Nay nay and thrice nay, but if we were all expecting it to be terrible, WTF were Sega doing putting monies towards this coffin-raping dog turd? Money that could have gone towards another JSRF or even S-----e III?

  • DanWhitehead #25 3 years ago

    how does this compare to Viking Battle for Asgard?

    It's considerably worse than Viking. It's not only derivative, but basic gameplay elements feel borderline broken.

  • ZuluHero #26 3 years ago

    @DanWhitehead

    That’s all i needed to know, I was hoping that it was maybe misunderstood in the way Viking was, but at least the controls in that were intuitive and seamless, and it never felt like you weren't in control of what was happening around you.

    Thanks for the information :)

    /crosses off list


  • dr_faulk #27 3 years ago

    lol. I could have given it that score just by reading the name.

  • Apostle #28 3 years ago

    Boobies!

    /Chris Griffin

  • Gnort #29 3 years ago

    I think someone should have given Dan an award at that GMA thing. Not only does he seem to write more reviews than any of the other EG staffers, he's also one of the few staffers who will brave the trolls and fantards in the comments sections to answer people's questions.

    And he reviews almost as many shit games as Ellie. We salute you, Mr Whitehead.

  • Machetazo #30 3 years ago

    Yes, definitely. Conan ftw.

  • absolutezero #31 3 years ago

    Everytime you wrote beasts I read breasts.

    :/ Breast Rider.

    also I was about to leave and buy this. Think Ill leave it now. Saints Row 2 it is :s
    Edited by 1 at 17/10/08 @ 12:23

  • SuperNashwan #32 3 years ago

    WTF ?!?! Goldenaxe without Giilus Thunderhead ?! No wonder it is utter Shyte.

    Probably has correct spelling and grammar in all the cut scenes too.

  • Chtulie #33 3 years ago

    Forgot to mention Outrun 2 in the intro for maximum contrast of Sega doing it right, then doing it wrong.

  • DanWhitehead #34 3 years ago

    Gilius is in the game, but only in cutscenes. If the barbarian dude is in there as well, I didn't notice him amongst all the other scantily clad cliches.

  • DanWhitehead #35 3 years ago

    And he reviews almost as many shit games as Ellie. We salute you, Mr Whitehead.

    I actually am Ellie. It's a Dr Jekyll/Sister Hyde sort of deal.

  • Gearskin #36 3 years ago

    WTF? WTF??? Conan gets a 7/10 and this gets a 3/10?

    My ass. MY ASS!

  • Gnort #37 3 years ago

    Something appears to be wrong with Gearskin's ass.

  • SuperNashwan #38 3 years ago

    I hate this type of remake that manages to ignore precisely what made the original so good (and not just making me laugh at Death = Adder). Pah, and they got it so right with Sega Rally.

    Is it sad to admit I was playing golden axe on a megadrive just last week ? (gears has nothing on is 2 player awsomeness, the woman can unleash a nuclear explosion for gods sake, makes the hammer of dawn look pretty feeble)

    Now where are my rose sunglasses, i feel a Double Dragon session comming on....
    Edited by 1 at 17/10/08 @ 12:34

  • mikeck #39 3 years ago

    "My ass. MY ASS! "

    My kingdom for an ass

  • konnsky #40 3 years ago

    omg! didn't see that one coming after watching some of the developer diaries.

    why oh why did they botched my favourite arcade game of all time...

  • Widge #41 3 years ago

    forum unites over Golden Axe!

  • armandao #42 3 years ago

    Honestly....did anyone thought this was going to be good?

  • Gearskin #43 3 years ago

    @ armandao

    If you thought the videos looked good. You'll probably like it. The game isn't high concept, it's not going to replace Ninja Gaiden or anything. But it's no worse than Conan. How Conan can walk away with a solid score whilst Golden Axe gets savaged is beyond my brain.

    Even Hellboy scored higher! This is better than Hellboy.

  • RedPanda #44 3 years ago

    Post deleted at 14:31:59 28-01-2012

  • viper_h #45 3 years ago

    Why is Conan £10-£15 on the PS3 and £39.99 on the 360? :(

  • drumbaby #46 3 years ago

    Put me down for a dozen.

  • gmjapan #47 3 years ago

    "Its single player only"

    ...

  • johnboy_johsnon #48 3 years ago

    I'm going to pick this one up anyway, just cause I have more money than sense!!

  • lambtron #49 3 years ago

    ZOMG

  • Duckula #50 3 years ago

    Golden Axe was always shit.

  • peteb #51 3 years ago

    It's like Sega are hellbent on undoing all the good work they've done in the past. :(

    I imagine Sonic Unleashed will also be a turd.

    Oh Sega why have you forsaken us?

  • Loser #52 3 years ago

    So better than Sonic The Hedgehog on 360 then?

    /sorry

  • gaijin #53 3 years ago

    "Ride them into battle and you'll likely be knocked off instantly, only for an enemy to jump on board, when suddenly the beast becomes almost impervious to injury. "

    yup, that sounds like Golden Axe...

  • Miths #54 3 years ago

    With all the horrible reviews so far, I'm so pissed that this game is waiting for me down in my mailbox today. I was desperately in need of something to tie me over until all the major releases in a week - but I guess I jumped the gun on this one :).
    Looks like I better pick up Saints Row 2 as well - even though that wasn't really on my list either.

  • Bennicus #55 3 years ago

    "lithe and nearly naked young woman"
    SOLD! Nice review.

  • Darren #56 3 years ago

    I see IGN gave this game 3.2 so it clearly is *not* a great game! God, I'm so glad I didn't pre-order the game on the strength of those Making of videos... LOL

  • Bennicus #57 3 years ago

    Or at least maybe that's what Secret Level were hoping people would think when they chose the main (and only (WTF)) player character. :(
    Edited by 2 at 17/10/08 @ 14:01

  • Darren #58 3 years ago

    TeamXbox gave it 6.8... never did like their reviews though as I've often wondered if they knew the difference between genuinely good and genuinely bad games... LOL

  • mikeck #59 3 years ago

    ""My ass. MY ASS! My kingdom for an ass"

    /turns out lights, shines torch under chin

    Be careful not to say ASS 3 times in front of a mirror, or hedbog will spookily appear and creepily kill you with a ghoulish PS3 made of bees!.

    WoooOOOOooooOOOoooo!

    /gets in mood for Halloween "

    lol :D

    Don't give me more Hedbog nightmares, I still haven't recovered from last time

    /hides under blanket - gets weird looks from others in office

  • penhalion #60 3 years ago

    Damn this review agrees with every comment I ever made about the game since seeing it revealed. Even down to wondering what the heck it has to do with the golden axe games at all!

    Sega really messed up with this one. We shouldn't be suprised though as, since they went into software only they have done little but, mess up all of their franchises one by one.

  • CapnCloudchaser #61 3 years ago

    I'm disappointed, but did expect this result to be honest. A big giveaway was the absence of preview material.

    However, for those who think Sega are going down the pan, please remember some of the more interesting and innovative games on the horizon as well; Valkyria Chronicles, Mad World, Bayonetta etc.

  • SirDespard #62 3 years ago

    Viper_h - Have a look in Currys - there may still be about left over from the clearout they had recently. Picked up Conan and Viking for a tenner each in Currys 2 weeks ago, so definitely passing on this.

    See Bloodkult beat me to it.
    Edited by 1 at 17/10/08 @ 14:33

  • Triggerhappytel #63 3 years ago

    It's a huge shame, because I love the art and style, but this was never, ever going to turn out pretty.

    Sega should probably just let all their old 2D franchises die because they're no good at bringing them up-to-date.

  • mikeck #64 3 years ago

    "Even down to wondering what the heck it has to do with the golden axe games at all!"

    Indeed! - I suppose it took the best bit of the original (well what I considered to be the best bit anyway) and decided to make a whole game based on that one idea...best intentions and all that jazz...

  • The-Bodybuilder #65 3 years ago

    What happened to SEGA?

  • sneetch #66 3 years ago

    Well, I read up as far as "buxom flame-haired warrior" then I kinda... trailed off... inexplicably... mmmm.

    Huh? Oh 3/10?

    Well, someone drive a stake through this one's heart, bury it under a crossroads and we'll call it a day.

  • SleepyMagpie #67 3 years ago

    Well, if it's a shite version of the shite Heavenly Sword, then you got pure shite, and that can't be good!

    Shame, cos I'd quite like some of "The Adventure of Fiery Boob Lady".

  • chrisjm #68 3 years ago

    to be this bad doesnt take long

  • Beano #69 3 years ago

    Just in: Beat Rider recalled because it offends Lair Worshippers.

  • bad09 #70 3 years ago

    SEGA were on a role earlier in the year with a few decent games out, what happened??

    Still, even though I've not followed this game I just new it would be rubbish. I may at least try a demo though if they are brave enough to release one, out of respect for the originals.

  • Feanor #71 3 years ago

    Get DMC 4 instead, it's great.

  • Miths #72 3 years ago

    So far buying this before reading the reviews looks like it might not have been quite the major mistake I thought. Granted, I'm only around an hour and a half into the game so far, but I'm frankly enjoying it more than I recall doing the same few hours I spent with Heavenly Sword and Conan (I shelved both of them a few hours in - well, around 4 or 5 with Conan I think).

    The graphics are nowhere near as bad as I assumed they would be after reading this and the IGN review - certainly not on par with Heavenly Sword, but easily as good as or better than Conan (which admittedly wasn't exactly a work of art). Can't say I've particularly noticed any animation "stiffness" or whatever other specifics were also brought up in that area - but perhaps that's just because I've got my hands full with the combat and don't have time to look at the way the heroine bends her knees when she runs or swings her sword when she's severing limbs :).

    As for the combat system, personally I don't mind the lack of a ton of different combos, these types of games pretty much always degrade to button mashing for me anyway - but I can certainly see why some people would rightfully criticize this aspect.
    And I rather like the evade/parry system. While the latter can be a bit tricky to pull off in melee combat when you're surrounded (deflecting lightning spells back on the caster with parry is cool though, when you're not busy in melee at the same time), evade has a certain grace to it.
    So far the only issue I do have with the combat is, as has been pointed out, some battles tends to have a few too many casters bombarding you from all sides - and I assume this will only get worse as I go along. When you've got rocks raining down from the sky (evade), lighting coming from the sides (parry) and axes swinging at you in melee, it does seem the odds are stacked a bit unfairly against you. And I'm playing on casual. But then again, I stink at fast paces action games, so normal difficulty for me would probably equal ass kicking nightmare level for many of you :p.
    Oh, and creature combat. Well, that does indeed seems like it could have been done much better. The two I've used so far are really a bit too fragile, and on several occasions they actually ended up as a risk as they would be "hi-jacked" and used against me when I was all too easily knocked off.

    Anyway, so far I would probably give this a 5 or 6 - probably the latter. I don't know if it gets worse, but then again, I've only played a handful of games to completion in the last decade, so I base my opinion of most games on just a few hours of gameplay.

  • mkreku #73 3 years ago

    But.. I wanted this to be good :(

    Another childhood memory shattered.

  • kingofbergamo #74 3 years ago

    It seems that Sega manage to ruin something that could have been great. Furthermore, i was really looking forward..
    Played GA on mega drive for so many hours.. I used to love it. :(


  • michaelius #75 3 years ago

    So It's TFU minus good music and star wars story ? :)

  • Darth_Flibble #76 3 years ago


    "Sega should probably just let all their old 2D franchises die because they're no good at bringing them up-to-date. "

    Nah, they should be given to developers that not shit, Secret Level's games have been crap for a long while. After seeing the EG review I went to remove it from my rental list but they had already sent it. I think this review is spot on, the gameplay is so unbalanced as the AI cheats. If the enemy gets a beast to ride then its a bitch to knock them off but for you it takes only 1 or 2 hits. The evade/parry system is useless with 3 or more enemies, also the range magic attacks are fucking cheap.

    Conan game developers + Golden axe = FTW

  • TheJuriel #77 3 years ago

    A 3? Wow, that's harsh.

  • Steroyd #78 3 years ago

    I read EG for reviews like this.

  • UKGN_Zoidberg #79 3 years ago

    Overly harsh I'd say.

    For what it's worth, I'd say a 6/10 would be more accurate. Enjoyable with a few neat little nods to the original like the green Elves carrying health power-ups. I never really liked Heavenly Sword, which was wildly overrated by many, but this is easily on a par with it.

  • ChthonicEcho #80 3 years ago

    Wow, a buxom female hero rides beasts in this game? Bloody hell, I am so sold.

  • Darth_Flibble #81 3 years ago

    ha, it got 9.0 of some site called playmagzine but the same reviewer gave sonic (crap 3d one) on the 360 8.5!

  • actionfitz #82 3 years ago

    "The Adventures of Fiery Boob Lady"

    lol
    priceless :p

    anyone else waiting forthe inevitable Zero Punctutation 'review' of this game?
    :D

  • Mr_Bison #83 3 years ago

    Did you see the "Fanboys" of the original that were inspireing the develpment. I havent seen a bigger bunch of virgins anywhere...saw this a mile off

  • berelain #84 3 years ago

    Sounds a little to me like the reviewer just wasn't very good at the game. Getting knocked off beasts as soon as he jumps on them? Pummelled from all sides by enemies? Not problems I've ever had, probably because I tend to move around and actually use the block and parry buttons like you're supposed to.

    Anyway, very harsh review for what is by any standards a pretty decent game. Nothing special, nothing to set your world alight, but its entertaining for a few hours. If you enjoyed Conan or Heavenly Sword, Beast Rider is every bit as fun. 7 from me. I think games have forgotten what it means to be fun and not a walkover.

  • Skeletor #85 3 years ago

    Interesting article. Maybe Eurogamer should comment on this.

    http://ww w.playmagazine.com/index.php?fu...

  • Darth_Flibble #86 3 years ago

    I read Dave Halverson review, very unprofessional, keeps going on how sexy the main character is (apparently any game with a "sexy" female character gets a high mark)
    Edited by 1 at 26/10/08 @ 20:46

  • DaRockwilder1 #87 3 years ago

    RIP Sega :(