Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed Review

By Ellie Gibson Published 22 March, 2008

Destroy All Sequels: Big Pointless Mess.

Version tested: Wii

You can guess what to expect from the humour in Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed. They said willy! You know! As in a man's penis! As in my friend Billy had a ten foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door, she thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake and now he's doing time because she's four. Except Big Willy Unleashed isn't as mature or witty as that.

Here's what else you can expect from the game: an abominable control system, tedious missions, hideous visuals and laughable multiplayer options. Even fans of the original Destroy All Humans games won't find anything to enjoy in this, the series' first Wii instalment in the series. And, if there's any justice, the last.

Let's start with the stupid plot. Comedy alien Crypto is back, doing his comedy Jack Nicholson impression just in case anyone has forgotten the reason this franchise isn't called Mars Attacks is because THQ couldn't afford the comedy licence. The game is set in the '70s, as you can tell by the clunky pop culture references and the way everyone wears flares. There's a character called Patty Wurst, as in Patty Hearst, the famous heiress who was kidnapped at gunpoint, kept blindfolded in a closet for two months, repeatedly sexually and physically abused and brainwashed into helping her captors commit crimes. Ha ha ha!

Then there's some rubbish about Mekon-rip-off Pox turning humans into hot dogs which he sells through the Big Willy fast food chain. Its mascot is Big Willy himself, a 25-foot statue of a toddler. This is a parody of Big Boy, the mascot of real-life US food chain. Which the first Austin Powers film parodied in a similar fashion. Over a decade ago. Ha ha ha!

Visually impaired

'Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed' Screenshot 1

They actually picked this as an image highlighting the game's positive qualities.

You play as Crypto, and you get to explore one of the ugliest openworld environments ever. Everything is blocky and jaggy. The textures are the funniest thing in the entire game. The frame-rate stutters along and the pop-up is so bad you almost find yourself tripping over in-game objects. The colour pallette is vile, all grubby greys and murky oranges, and everything is fuzzy.

So you'll be feeling nauseous even before you attempt to control the game's camera. This is done by pointing the Wii remote. And trying to cope with the fact the pointer keeps sticking to the edge of the screen. Sometimes the game just won't let you move the camera, for no discernible reason; you must to use the nunchuk to move Crypto into a different position first. Your arm must be kept in a rigid right angle at all times. Dare to relax even slightly and the camera will spin madly and get stuck to the side of the screen.

The Wii remote is also used to point and shoot at enemies. If you want to bodysnatch a character, you must first shoot two moving icons. The pointer and camera issues mean none of this is any fun at all.

Still, at least the weapons are hilarious! Look at the silly man, he is running around clutching his bottom, ha ha ha! Yes, the anal probe is back, and just as funny as when it first appeared three years ago. New weapons include something called a Zombie Gun and a Shrink Ray. It is impossible to care.

Robot wars

'Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed' Screenshot 2

In no way anything like the marshmallow man in Ghostbusters, either.

The big attraction is supposed to be the giant Big Willy robot. You can make him pick up cars and use them to smash stuff up, eat people to restore health and burn things with lasers. Also he can do giant farts ha ha ha! Bumbums boobies peepee poopoo milk milk lemonade round the corner chocolate's made I self-harm because it's the only way to feel alive.

Big Willy is tiresome to control. You use the nunchuk to move him around and control the camera by twisting the remote, and it all feels very slow. The flying saucer you get to pilot is controlled in the same way. You would have thought that an alien civilisation capable of inventing flying saucers might have been able to come up with a way of making them travel more than half a mile per hour but apparently not.

The single-player game is mercifully short, the multiplayer game hilariously so. There are two whole missions. But wait! You can play them co-operatively or competitively! No, you can't play through the story mode with a friend. Yes, even though you could do that in Destroy All Humans 2. Be grateful.

To sum up, Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed is toss. The controls make playing the game feel like trying to do the washing-up with a pair of chopsticks, using clogs instead of rubber gloves. It looks revolting. The script is appalling. The jokes make the ones on You've Been Framed seem like they were written by Bill Hicks. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

3 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Ellie.

About Ellie Gibson

Since joining Eurogamer in the mid 2000s, Ellie has written about subjects as diverse as the fall of Gizmondo, the rise of Hollyoaks actresses in Red Alert games and the noise a bear makes under NSFW circumstances.

Read more articles from Ellie by visiting the Ellie Gibson archive page.

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Comments (45) Latest comment 4 years ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • funkyd #1 4 years ago

    Ouch!

  • JeroenZM #2 4 years ago

    If only Ellie wasn't so talented at burning down bad games, I'd sign a petition to get her to review a good game sometime.

  • dripgrind #3 4 years ago

    Bumbums boobies peepee poopoo milk milk lemonade round the corner chocolate's made I self-harm because it's the only way to feel alive.

    I'm worried that the cumulative effect of only reviewing crappy games is taking its toll on Ellie. Can you give her some good titles to review please?

  • dripgrind #4 4 years ago

    And how could they screw this up? I quite liked the PS2 version and you'd think the Wii would be able to handle the same level of detail.

  • paul_haine #5 4 years ago

    "my friend Billy had a ten foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door, she thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake and now he's doing time because she's four."

    Hang on, when did Billy become a pedophile? I'm sure when I knew the rhyme as a boy, it finished with "and now it's only three feet four". Sign of the times, I guess...

  • Sid-Nice #6 4 years ago

    A Wii review by Ellie Gibson only means one thing...

    A shit game...

    I'm in two minds whether to buy this or Mario Kart Wii.

  • convercide #7 4 years ago

    +1 to paul_haine's post. It was definitely a reduction in the length of poor William's shaft. Upon reflection, his genitalia would be dramaticlly reduced in functionality if the glans were to be removed in such a vile and crude manner. Urination would become harder, not that it wasn't difficult in the first place.

    EDIT: Someone posted faster than me.
    Edited by 2 at 22/03/08 @ 13:37

  • Nithron #8 4 years ago

    That's a shame, i loved the previous Destroy All Humans games. I suppose the incredibly shitty title was a bit of a warning, however.

  • Corben_Dallas #9 4 years ago

    Dont hold back Ellie .........tell us what u really think :)

  • afgavinstan #10 4 years ago

    On my RSS Live Bookmark, in firefox. At a quick glance, I read "Big Willy Size Matters"...

    Stating the obvious, EG, come on!

  • Waldo #11 4 years ago

    It's an Ellie review, so I automatically knew it was going to score 4 or less as soon as I saw her name.

  • convercide #12 4 years ago

    To be fair guys, Destroy All Humans was never funny and the gameplay was dull.

  • JetSetWilly #13 4 years ago

    Vaginal elasticity would have made much more sense in this than the Sight Training review.

    It feels like these games are only reviewed so that Ellie can do her thing.

  • smelly #14 4 years ago

    gawd.. this thread aint gonna be pretty is it?

  • kentmonkey #15 4 years ago

    After reading that, I'm surprised it got a 3 to be honest.
    Edited by 1 at 22/03/08 @ 16:40

  • Lim-Dul #16 4 years ago

    Ha, ha - one of the best reviews in recent times. It's SO full of venom. ^^

  • smelly #17 4 years ago

    I just read the whole review..

    3/10 seems a little high.. :-)

    I'd love to know how they score between a 1/10 and a 3/10... As in .. What makes a game 1/10 and another 3/10?

  • beedyG #18 4 years ago

    Damn - I loved Destroy All Humans on the Xbox and was looking forward to more alien rampage fun (I can't seem myself buying a 360). Guess I shouldn't be too surprised though - this port didn't have quality written on it: no Wii joke in the title, not even big Wii-lly, there's no excuse for that kind of sloppiness.

  • captainrentboy #19 4 years ago

    Another corker to add to the ever growing catalogue of utter shite Wii games.
    It's a shame sooo much crap is released on it, because the very few that are awesome are getting overlooked as they're hidden by tripe like this on the shelves.
    Personally I can't wait for the next big hit from Popcorn games. Anubis rocked my world.

  • JediMasterMalik #20 4 years ago

    If Ellie keeps reviewing bad games, does anyone fear that her perception of what a good game is be shifted? We may start seeing 9/10 reviews from her for games which are clearly 4s. ;)

  • TheRealBadabing #21 4 years ago

    I think Ellie is secretly aiming for the world record in reviewing shit games.

  • Muddtallica #22 4 years ago

    I know what people mean about the ever-increasing bile levels in Ellie's reviews. In the past, they used to just rib the games in a scathing yet detached manner; nowadays they seem to overflow with the undiluted venom of someone who has been personally wronged. I'm not complaining, per se, because it makes for some fantastic reading material, but I am starting to worry for Ms Gibson's sanity. EG, can't you give her a good game to review, just to pacify her troubles soul? At this rate, she's going to be embarking on a full-on killing spree within five pieces of shovelware's time.

  • Wyrm #23 4 years ago

    @ JediMasterMalik: Well I can only assume that' the kinda thing that must have happened with Halo 3.

  • TexMurphy01 #24 4 years ago

    This review has amused me. Keep up the good work. It's nice to read a funny review once in a while. Nice to see one of Sir Glitter's chosen people getting a mention. They get so much bad press these days.

  • SirClive #25 4 years ago

    I was so close to buying this today. Close escape. Just hope Sega Superstar Tennis was the right choice instead.

  • Fyzzu #26 4 years ago

    I'm glad to see I'm not the only one beginning to really worry about Ellie.

  • Steroyd #27 4 years ago

    O_O

    Is it wise to give Ellie a great game in this state!?

    Ween her on average 5-7 games to calm her down and give her sanity back, then give her the very good games.

  • Singularity #28 4 years ago

    Awesome review, Ellie. (: ))

  • Freek #29 4 years ago

    And how could they screw this up? I quite liked the PS2 version and you'd think the Wii would be able to handle the same level of detail.

    Publisher: here's 50 dollars, 2 people and a 6 months time period, go make a sequal for Wii.

    Dev: But it'll be shit! Be reasonable!

    Publisher: Doesn't matter, it's for Wii, the consumer doesn't care, Nintendo doesn't care, they'll all buy into it. So just go make it already!

    Dev: /cry

  • Kami #30 4 years ago

    And I am also glad to see that I'm not the only one who worries about Ellie... Ellie sad make me cry *cries*

  • FaceOmeter #31 4 years ago

    lol wii is kids gimmick rofl

  • hokuto_no_rob #32 4 years ago

    If it's that bad, why only a 3 - just 2 points from being average?

  • smelly #33 4 years ago

    >lol wii is kids gimmick rofl

    CONGRATULATIONS!!

    It took a whopping 34 posts before the first retarded fanboy trolling comment to arrive!

    I bet you're dead proud.

  • abdallah #34 4 years ago

    Ellie, have my children.

  • Darth_Flibble #35 4 years ago

    poor Ellie, seems always get the crap to review. Bit surprised they has not been a "going postal" scene in the EG building
    Edited by 2 at 23/03/08 @ 23:11

  • Mindstorm #36 4 years ago

    lol wii is kids gimmick rofl

    CONGRATULATIONS!!

    It took a whopping 34 posts before the first retarded fanboy trolling comment to arrive!

    I bet you're dead proud.


    CONGRATULATIONS!!

    it took 37 posts before a retarted fanboy reply to a fanboy trolling comment to arrive!

  • Super_Zee #37 4 years ago

    :)

    Just... :)

  • clean515 #38 4 years ago

    Eat my willy

  • MrsPacMan #39 4 years ago

    Ellie, If I wasn't a lezza I'd love you. Excellent review and thanx for reminding me of the 'my friend billy' rhyme, brill
    Edited by 1 at 24/03/08 @ 00:47

  • mingster #40 4 years ago

    umm... shouldn't that be if you was a lezza you'd love her?

  • mingster #41 4 years ago

    btw smelly if you haven't worked it out yet ... calling people fanboys because they 'dis' your favourite console makes you a fanboy. So shut up.

  • Meho #42 4 years ago

    "you must to use the nunchuk"

    Good to see not only us non-native speakers make these kinds of mistkes.

  • dirigiblebill #43 4 years ago

    Am I the only one here who doesn't have a hard-on for Ms. Gibson? Don't bring her into disrepute, you scoundrels!

  • smelly #44 4 years ago

    @Mindstorm: Sigh.. prick.

  • Transcendent #45 4 years ago

    I think this may be the worst review I've ever read. It doesn't say anything more than "this game is poop", which a 3/10 rating does just fine by itself.

    But maybe it's not meant to be informative, maybe it's only meant to be funny? Well I have only one thing to say about that:

    Ha ha ha.
    Edited by 1 at 07/04/08 @ 20:53