Dead or Alive: Paradise Review

By Ellie Gibson Published 1 April, 2010

Greatest tits.

Version tested: PSP

To experience the best of Dead or Alive: Paradise, all you need to do is watch the opening cut-scene. Jiggling boobs! Wiggling bottoms! Hair-flipping! Tree-climbing! Two girls barely old enough to take the Key Stage 3 exam licking an ice cream - at the same time! From the shower scene to the final shot of the lady in the pink canoe, it's a cavalcade of impossibly subtle visual metaphors that serves to remind us just how far women have come in their quest for equality.

Of course, there's no point complaining about all the tits 'n' ass in a Dead or Alive game. That would be like complaining there's too much port and Blue WKD in your pint of Cheeky Vimto. Besides, when it comes to Paradise there's plenty of other stuff to complain about - such as the rotten visuals, flimsy gameplay, poor controls, limited customisation options, lack of online functionality, shoddy AI, lazy presentation and pathetic excuse for a storyline, to name but a few.

The premise is simple, and stupid. Playing as one of the DOA girls (there's a roster of 12, including familiar faces like Tina, Ayane and Kasumi) you get to spend a two-week holiday on Zack Island. There you can visit places like Tranquil Beach, Niki Beach and Bass Island, which are all the same except with the palm trees in a different order. There's the Pool and the Pool Side, which again are remarkably similar. You can buy dull items at a grand total of three shops, or visit the Radio Station, which is actually a music options menu masquerading as a Radio Station.

'Dead or Alive: Paradise' Screenshot 1

Ellie took these pictures in-game.

There's very little to do at any of these locations. The beach volleyball mini-game is rubbish - the controls are simplistic and unresponsive and the animations are laughable. It feels like you're trying to command robots whose batteries have run out. The only saving grace is the way the women's boobs wobble around independently of the rest of their bodies, as if filled with sand and helium, in that trademark DOA way.

Alternatively there's Pool Hopping. This involves jumping across a series of floating platforms with shape button symbols on them. You earn money for hitting the correct buttons, but your character will still jump even if you press the wrong one. The real challenge is getting the game to recognise whether you've tried to tap the button quickly to do a short jump or held it down for a longer one. It's all very arbitrary.

When you're bored with these mini-games, which will happen within seven minutes, you can head to the shops. This is where you can spend your hard-earned cash on nothing of any real value at all, from ugly swimsuits and leopardskin-print beachballs to chips, tangerines, harps and enyclopaedias. No idea.

'Dead or Alive: Paradise' Screenshot 2

As you can see, she's tried to capture the subject's personality as well as their physical qualities.

It's important to point out at this juncture that purchases are made via a cumbersome menu system. You must also use menus to navigate between the pool, beach and so on. You can't just walk around and visit different physical locations as if you're in some crazy kind of "virtual world" - what do you think this is, 1997?

At the end of the day, which can't come soon enough, you get sent back to your hotel and presented with another menu featuring yet another set of tedious options. These include changing the clothes your character's wearing, choosing from a wide range of teeny-tiny lycra triangles. Often you'll find a present from some bloke called Zack waiting for you, and often it will be useless and bizarre. Gift-wrapped cabbage, anyone?

The most interesting thing to do of an evening is visit the Casino. Here you can play the slot machines, which involves pressing a button and seeing what turns up, just like real slots - except you can only ever win fictional money to spend on dull virtual items. The most interesting thing about the Blackjack mini-game is the dealer's bounteous cleavage, and only because its movements are less predictable than the cards being turned over. Poker is equally dull but offers the quickest way to boost your coffers, due to the fact the women you're playing against are easier to beat than an egg.

The are only two other gameplay elements to DOA: Paradise. The first involves interacting with other characters - actually, that's a bit strong; it involves interacting with menus to send other characters gifts, then watching a cut-scene to see whether or not they liked the gifts, and therefore are willing to be on your volleyball team. It is impossible to care about this.

The other element involves picking the menu option which says "Relax". You then get to watch your character stretching out on a sun lounger, or climbing a tree, or applying sun cream lotion, or doing some other activity which involves a lot of bending over, leaning forwards and generally waggling their vajayjay at the camera. You can take photos of them as they do this, using the d-pad to zoom in and change the angle. You get the idea.

'Dead or Alive: Paradise' Screenshot 3

She hasn't done a very good job.

This is the second-best thing about Dead or Alive: Paradise. Attempting to take the most obscene photos possible is much more fun than playing robot volleyball or beating thickos at poker. Plus you get to feel like a weird stalker or the kind of paparazzi willing to hide behind a palm tree for five days just to get a shot of one of Martine McCutcheon's stray pubes. Viewing the photos you've taken in full-screen requires quitting to the Home menu, as the in-game photo album only shows them as tiny thumbnails. Well done everyone.

The first-best thing about Dead or Alive: Paradise, as mentioned previously, is the opening cut-scene. It's hilariously silly, gloriously over-the-top and, who knows, probably highly erotic if the sight of digital women sitting in canoes sends you from six to midnight. But seeing as you can watch that cut-scene for free, right now, it doesn't make the game worth buying.

'Dead or Alive: Paradise' Screenshot 4

Still. Look at the jaggedy bits on that.

Neither do the terrible mini-games or endless menus. Even taking rude pictures of scantily clad women is less fun than it might be due to the awful visuals - the backgrounds are often pixellated, the animations are bizarre and everything is all jaggedy. It's hard to admire the women's graceful curves and smooth skin when they look like they've been cut out of a magazine by an enthusiastic six year-old with a pair of Early Learning Centre safety scissors.

If it's erotic imagery you're after, just get some porn. The visuals will be more realistic, the acting will be better and the plot will make more sense. Plus you might get to see it actually going in and out. Dead or Alive: Paradise is not worth taking your trousers down for.

3 / 10

Read the Eurogamer.net scoring policy
Picture of Ellie.

About Ellie Gibson

Since joining Eurogamer in the mid 2000s, Ellie has written about subjects as diverse as the fall of Gizmondo, the rise of Hollyoaks actresses in Red Alert games and the noise a bear makes under NSFW circumstances.

Read more articles from Ellie by visiting the Ellie Gibson archive page.

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Comments (117) Latest comment 1 year ago

Comments threads automatically close after 30 days, but please feel free to continue chatting on the forum!

  • Vergis69 #1 2 years ago

    "Greatest tits" lol

  • adcworks #2 2 years ago

    probably the funniest opening paragraph for a game review i've ever read, and the rest is beautifully sarcastic. great read.

  • WantOn #3 2 years ago

    Ah Ellie; pulling no punches as usual. I do worry/wonder about the sorts of people who buy this stuff.

  • dupplawt #4 2 years ago

    Why do they even bother making these games?

  • DFawkes #5 2 years ago

    I still really like the Dead or Alive Xtreme series, but even though I enjoy DoA Xtreme 2 alarm bells rangs in my head when the Japanese demo of this game was just the polygon ogling mode. Seriously, no gameplay at all in the demo, just gratuitious tits and ass. That what they used as the main selling point of the game!

    So I'm done attempting to defend you and your harmless but shallow game play, DoAX series. I get it now. It has TITS in it!

    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 10:06

  • ChthonicEcho #6 2 years ago

    Knew Ellie would review this. Either EG staff really hates her... or really loves her. Hard to say which.

    I like bad games. They provide amusement either as I play them or as I read reviews such as these.

  • beastmaster #7 2 years ago

    "not worth taking your trousers down for".

    You won't find that in a review anywhere else.

    3 almost seems generous.

  • Hamflank #8 2 years ago

    If you're into this, I would indeed imagine you're better off with some real fake tits instead.

  • masterson #9 2 years ago

    Pffft, any guy knows this is worth at least an 8.... :)

    I chuckled almost constantly throughout that review - nice work Ellie.

  • darkmorgado #10 2 years ago

    Another brilliant review. I knew this would be written by Ellie even before I read it, and she didn't disappoint.

    That first paragraph made coffee come out of my nose.

  • suicida #11 2 years ago

    Just how bad has a game got to be to get a 1 or a 2?

  • DanWhitehead #12 2 years ago

    The first screenshot on Page 2 is positively Cronenbergian.

  • Luckyjim #13 2 years ago

    This game was destined to be reviewed by Ellie. Nicely written. Christ, why are games like this even being made?

  • AphoticCosmos #14 2 years ago

    Why did anyone finance this epic failure of a game? I'll bet it was to wait for Ellie's epic review of it!

    Made my day :D

  • karooo #15 2 years ago

    oh yeah !

  • tossum #16 2 years ago

    What a pathetic piece of software and what a sad bastard you would have to be to buy it.

  • yupyup #17 2 years ago

    Do the wrapped cabbage physics act correctly?

  • Shrike #18 2 years ago

    You'd think that as a lesbian who hates games Ellie would be all over what essentially amounts to a vaguely interactive soft-porn gallery. Just saying.

  • cardigait #19 2 years ago

    logged in just to say how much i love bad reviews of awful games. Ellie is wonderful on this, and making her review an awful sexist game... chapeau!

  • Toonster #20 2 years ago

    Took one look at this article on the front page and thought, "Bet Ellie's reviewing this one"

    Yep \o/

  • Shrike #21 2 years ago

    I'd like to add to my above post that Eurogamer are being thoroughly unprofessional - and perhaps even biased - by giving the latest instalment of a beloved 'manchise' - to a girl for review. Of course a girl won't understand. Frankly this review is an affront to the hard work of the developers and I demand my advertising revenue back.

  • Toonster #22 2 years ago

    edit: never mind, didn't see Shrike's thumbed-down comment :p

    double edit: for those thumbing me down, I was arguing against Shrike's previous post before I edited this
    Edited by 2 at 02/04/10 @ 18:58

  • darkmorgado #23 2 years ago

    @Shrike

    Are you actually being serious? Grow up you sad tosser.

  • jimmyhill11 #24 2 years ago

    this review is as shameful as the Resident Evil 4 Wii Edition review

  • Shrike #25 2 years ago

    If you think that this:

    "From the shower scene to the final shot of the lady in the pink canoe, it's a cavalcade of impossibly subtle visual metaphors that serves to remind us just how far women have come in their quest for equality."

    is genuine sentiment, then yes, I am deadly serious.

  • el_pollo_diablo #26 2 years ago

    "Martine McCutcheon's stray pubes"

    /vomits

  • darkmorgado #27 2 years ago

    this review is as shameful as the Resident Evil 4 Wii Edition review

    Why is that? Are you upset because it shows just how pathetic it is to get enjoyment out of watching polygonal women do their part in demeaning the female of the species? Because it shows just how sexist the developers are? Or simply because it's a terrible excuse for a game?

  • Bloobat #28 2 years ago

    the last paragraph is outragous lol 'isn't worth taking your trousers down' :)

  • Kami #29 2 years ago

    Shrike fail is fail.

    Ellie is brilliantly hilarious and I assure you, it's not only girls who really don't get games like this - I fail to see the attraction of a game which basically amounts to staring at fictitious scantily-clad girls on the beach (Which I should add for a lot of people can be done for free without looking like a sad bastard!). It fails at titillation, because there's nothing sexy or erotic about Dead or Alive if we're going to be honest (comical I'll grant you). It fails at volleyball, which sucks. It fails at at being a game. So why exactly would you buy such junk? Surely there are much better ways of spending £25?

    If you want porn, get porn. It's cheaper, it's probably going to last longer and you'll get a lot more enjoyment out out it than a badly-ported version of a game that was universally panned to begin with. If you just want to oggle pretty ladies, there's a billion images on the internet for you to fap away with. But if you are clinically insane - and by this I mean you wake up of a morning and genuinely believe you are a grapefruit - this is absolutely the game for you, maybe it will reveal next weeks lottery numbers to you as well as the lovely men in white coats drag you out of your home for a nice chat with a padded room...

  • OrgasmicMutton #30 2 years ago

    @ Shrike

    Don't worry, read it as sarcasm first time. Anyone who sees the words "damand my advertising revenue back" and thinks "my, what a seriious sentiment this is" needs to stop and think for a minute! Do I get some type of reward?

    As for the review, loved the line about "early learning centre safety scissors." made me giggle and feel some warm nostalgia at the same time (more of jaggedly cutting out dinosaurs and cartoon characters rather than scantily glad women though!). Nice work Ellie.
    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 11:19

  • Shrike #31 2 years ago

    Before anyone wastes any more of their bank holiday writing a rebuttal: it's just flamebait, guys! I don't really believe that 'manchise' is a word, or even a legitimate concept.

    I just felt that because this game is unlikely to have anyone come out of the woodwork to get huffy about Ellie's review (read the comments to anything else she's written) I should step forward and be that troll.

    For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

    /tigerwoods

  • weblaus #32 2 years ago

    Well, then... I actually do agree on the score, DOA Paradise is really bad (I know this because I have the "fortune" to be the assigned reviewer of this thing elswhere).
    But: As rightfully as Ellie spews venom about the game, would it have been this difficult to actually get some basic facts right? Just looking at the promo screens would have been enough to recognize that there's obviously more than volleyball and pool hopping to be unlocked - granted, butt battles and stupid running on the beach are even less fun, but to claim they're not there is lazy reviewing (not to mention that IGN made the exact same mistake).

  • hello_fi #33 2 years ago

    More proof that women shouldn't be allowed to review games, this epic gets a 3 from Ellie yet she gave Muscle March a 7?! I'm still fuming about the Dante's Inferno score as well.

  • Shrike #34 2 years ago

    @hello_fi

    Don't do it, friend! That way lies neg-down ignominy!

  • Kami #35 2 years ago

    Ellie is also way sexier than the helium-filled balloons in this game as well.

  • knocker #36 2 years ago

    Wow. I like acres of naked ladyflesh as much as the next misogynistic pervert.

    But I couldn't watch that trailer all the way through ....something inherently creepy about it all.


    @hello_fi
    Shrike has already parodied the sexist dimwit perfectly well - your comment is redundant.

  • MiniAmin #37 2 years ago

    I really enjoyed this review. I'm glad to see that most of my fellow EGers liked the review too. It demonstrates that were not zombie gamers who'll lurch towards any shitty piece of software just because it has tits.

  • Mr.DNA #38 2 years ago

    @jimmyhill11: "this review is as shameful as the Resident Evil 4 Wii Edition review"

    Dave McCarthy, the guy who thought that Resi 4 controlled better with a dual-analogue joypad than with a Wii-remote and nunchuk, is a twat and happily hasn't written anything for Eurogamer for over a year. Ellie's Dead or Alive review is absolutely nothing like McCarthy's Resi 4 debacle. It's a masterclass in explaining precisely why this shoddy series is an exercise in style over substance.

  • Kami #39 2 years ago

    @MiniAmin; The problem is we may not be fooled, but so many others will. That is the sad and depressing truth of games like this, we all know they're shit but they still sell because of the tits.

    It's a horrible realisation that Tecmo still seem to genuinely believe their player base wants more tits and arse action rather than y'know... making a new Dead or Alive with great combat mechanics. Because once upon a time Dead or Alive - comedy jiggle aside - used to be a glorious fighting game series. It was graceful, technical and watching two good players go at it was like watching a very violent ballet performance. But like SoulCalibur, the developers have gotten the wrong end of the stick and now just neglect the actual game part of the series to pander to the pocketmining demographic who have zero chance of ever getting their hands on a real pair of boobs.

    It's such a crying shame, but I guess that's business - why spend years making a great technical fighter when you can court controversy and get more column inches by making the boobs so massive that no amount of material in the world could cover them?

    It's so sad that it works...
    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 11:39

  • rosshuts #40 2 years ago

    Some porn it is then ;)

  • Vanmunt #41 2 years ago

    ha ha..... great review, now I can't get the image of stray spider legs poking out MM's bikini!!

  • masterson #42 2 years ago

    Looking forward to seeing what sentence MetaCritic will quote on their link to this review....

    I'm hoping for -

    "If it's erotic imagery you're after, just get some porn. The visuals will be more realistic, the acting will be better and the plot will make more sense. Plus you might get to see it actually going in and out."

  • HenryFitz #43 2 years ago

    I'm amused by the idea of a hierarchy of wankers. Where those who ejaculate to real porn look down on the sad wankers who rub themselves creamy to cartoons and videogames. What's next, competing schools of porno critical theory?

  • Monkey_Puncher #44 2 years ago

    I guess this confirms that Itagaki wasn't the only gigantic pervert at the company.
    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 11:50

  • hiddenranbir #45 2 years ago

    I think Ellie has let her female brain cloud her judgement. We need a MAN to review this.

  • Kanjin #46 2 years ago

    those pictures put me right of, think I might be gay now :S

  • Paulie_P #47 2 years ago

    You would think some people have never heard of sarcasam judging by the comments/negs flying about in here today!

  • knocker #48 2 years ago

    My neg was ironic.


    (ok, I was suckered .... but it seems cowardly to go back and change it)

  • persus-9 #49 2 years ago

    @suicida: Three sounds about right to me. All Ellie really slated it for is being rubbish and no fun. I think a game pretty much has to add bugs into the mix if it's to drop down to a 2 and would have to be basically unplayable to get down to 1. This is at least a functioning game.

    It's well worth watching Alex Navarro's classic video review of Big Rigs for Gamespot to see what level of fail has to be achieved to justify that rarest of review scores the perfect 1.
    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 12:33

  • Pirotic #50 2 years ago

    Great read. The graphics in the demo seemed pretty decent...

    I downloaded it to see what shadowing they managed to implement on the PSP... honest!

  • jonsaan #51 2 years ago

    I still love the Xtreme series. I can't even be bothered to defend it anymore. If you don't get it you never will. It's a 100s of hours deep collectathon with a volleyball game built in. Everything else is just fluff.

  • Mr.DNA #52 2 years ago

    And the prepubescent teens licking an ice-cream cone in unison doesn't hurt either, eh jonsaan?

  • tachometer #53 2 years ago

    Not as good as Muscle March then?

  • Kryon #54 2 years ago

    @Mr.DNA

    "prepubescent" teens dont generally have 38DD bewbs, my friend. I don't know what game you're playing but it isn't DOA.

  • Cosquae #55 2 years ago

    Ellie has had to review this -and- Leisure suit Larry -and- a load of Wii shovel-ware...

    ...did she do something naughty?

  • gjgjg #56 2 years ago

    thanks for the larf:)

  • icematt12 #57 2 years ago

    So, Xtreme 2 would be a better purchase than this? The whole concept of the game just makes me have a grin, but i guess the reality doesn't match.

    Sounds to me like they are making Ellie suffer for reader amusement.

  • Shikasama #58 2 years ago

    Say what you like, if women actually looked like that there'd be less war in the world.

    We'd all be too busy shagging

  • Svalbaard #59 2 years ago

    Can't see what the problem here is. The review was always going to be skewed downwards when written by a female.

    I just skipped straight to the video and am repeatedly enjoying watching the pixels wobble.

  • Vyggo #60 2 years ago

    Very funny review!
    I was seriously tempted to click on some of the screenshots, especially the one with the girl strangely bending over. I am a sad, perverted man...

  • Ryboy #61 2 years ago

    Awwww bless it. 3/10. But come on admit it, there is a tiny little pervert inside of all of you just fucking dying to play this game!

  • Shikasama #62 2 years ago

    Muscle March gets a score higher than 360 Dragon Age, this gets 3/10.

    Interesting.

  • Number1Laing #63 2 years ago

    I still remember when DOAXVB came out on Xbox, I was like, "okay I know its about T&A, but it could have some fun minigames." I rented it and was bored within minutes. It's kind of disappointing that over the years they still haven't bothered to improve that wretched volleyball game.

  • Mark1412 #64 2 years ago

    I used to think Ellie's reviews were the funniest part but now perhaps the inevitable 'LESBIAN REVIEWING MY FAVOURITE GAME WOMEN SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT GAMES' comments are edging her out. You have to laugh, it's depressing otherwise.

    Great read.
    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 19:28

  • mazk #65 2 years ago

    If anything proves that Ellie is not a man-hating lesbian who knows nothing about games, this is the review. Not only has she reviewed the game on a purely mechanical basis, thus proving she does know a thing or two about games, she has mentioned barely nothing about the the attraction to this game. i.e. THE GIRLS. This game looks like a crap version of xtreme beach volleyball 2 fair enough, but what are the different character models like? Isn't a game like this a nice break from the supercharged masculinity of Bad Company 2, God of War, etc etc etc.

  • RingoDX #66 2 years ago

    Excellent review, I really hope the developers see it. Games like this kind of childish, sexist crap is exactly what the industry doesn't need.

  • Syrette #67 2 years ago

    So you got a female to review a game with a clear male demographic.

    Not that it deserves more than 3, probably.

  • MeBrains #68 2 years ago

    foreverafternothing: +1. it seems a strange decision to have the only (?) woman in the EG team review a game which is clearly aimed at men...

    it should at least have got a 4!

  • sesskie #69 2 years ago

    Its a terrible game, and will probably be bashed everywhere, but the wrong person probably reviewed this, considering the target demo. Its like giving an FPS nut a turn based board strategy game to review.

  • orcane #70 2 years ago

    To be honest the juvenile and sexist tone of the DoAX games doesn't bother me nearly as much as the series going from average to absolutely terrible in just the two Xbox games alone.

    I still think they could have made this series actually good, but instead of making a fun volleyball game with reasonable volleyball mechanics, the DoA cast and an interesting selection of minigames, they decided to focus on the super-grindy "dating"/collection sim part with horrible minigames, and every new version has just led to a further decline in quality of the actual game parts.

  • Zoro #71 2 years ago

    Yes! I was hoping Ellie would get to review this.

  • Demiath #72 2 years ago

    I still believe Dead or Alive Xtreme/Paradise/Whatever is one of those inexplicably missed opportunities on the gaming market. With a more substantial investment made in developing proper gameplay mechanics (perhaps a stronger focus on the volleyball or, alternatively, a Wii Sports-like selection of minigames) and just a little bit less creepy voyeurism, DOAX might very well have become a big, casual-friendly hit with real appeal to a wide range of gamers. Instead, the Tecmo guys unabashedly went for the quick buck and programmed these games with only one hand on the keyboard.

    This video game series represents something far worse than mere cynicism and a complete lack of imagination; it's a failure of capitalism. And that's just tragic...
    Edited by 1 at 02/04/10 @ 18:09

  • Ignatius_Cheese #73 2 years ago

    Best review ever on EG.

    Cheers Ellie! I think I've suffered a hernia from laughing too much :D

  • finexi #74 2 years ago

    GREATEST TITS LOL

  • SpaceMidget75 Verified Senior Software Developer, Minerva Computer Services #75 2 years ago

    Wow Elllie you're just amazing and the greatest reviewer EVER! x 1000

    EDIT: Amazingly it appears the sarcasm was missed. Kinda proves my point really.
    Edited by 1 at 03/04/10 @ 12:07

  • man.the.king #76 2 years ago

    Seems to me as if Ellie already had the prose of the review in mind before she started playing the game in question.

    That being said, the game deserves the scathing review.

    As far as humor goes, this is the funniest, best review I've ever read on EG. Kudos Ellie! That was a brilliant read.

  • thedaveeyres #77 2 years ago

    Was hoping Ellie would get this one. Hilarious review. \o/

  • spatss #78 2 years ago

    pfft, I think it looks awesome.

  • tiny_Eggy #79 2 years ago

    RAGE! I bought a PSP Go for this game. :(

  • tiredoldandy #80 2 years ago

    im 12 and what is this??

  • jonsaan #81 2 years ago

    http://ww w.gamingangels.com/2010/03/dead...

    Another woman's point of view.

  • TheJuriel #82 2 years ago

    For all the talk of tits and ass, Dead or Alive women have always been notably devoid of posterior assets. I blame basing them on japanese.

  • E_Goldstein #83 2 years ago

    I'm utterly flabbergasted!

    I was ready to put my "Game of the Year" Rosette on this one...

    When will these "developers" learn, FFS.

  • t8yman #84 2 years ago

    not as good as Halo then?

  • captain-future #85 2 years ago

    I think I gave the frist one 2/5, the second one 1/5 and this looks like a solid 1/5 too. *LOL* oh my!

    And the important question really is: Is the soundtrack equally "bastard feel good soundtrack from hell" material?
    Edited by 1 at 03/04/10 @ 08:04

  • Telepathic.Geometry #86 2 years ago

    It's probably the first Ellie review that I can respect.

  • Caimbeul #87 2 years ago

    Never was going to work on PSP...

  • Acrid #88 2 years ago

    Costs more than a lapdance = no sale

  • Windypops #89 2 years ago

    I think it's probably more sexist to have a token girl reviewer who gets wheeled out to review all the shit and/or prurient games. I'm no expert on Ellie's career, but I've seen her doing BBC News items, so she's obviously a very capable and talented journalist. Yet, on a gaming website, she's reduced to doing novelty reviews and regurgitating her "OMG tits" shtick.

  • SG #90 2 years ago

    This is no good.

    If I want to masturbate to digital hotties I need it on the big screen.

  • AliRay #91 2 years ago

    Amazing review, as always Ellie.

    You really have to admire the devs here, to be fair. The sheer amount of critiscism levelled at these sexist games *should* be enough to make them think twice about making the game, but they come back, time and again, more ridiculous than the last time.

    You really have to respect that commitment to mysogeny :)

  • rockstar1984 #92 2 years ago

    Yet another garbage review, paid for nothing, utter piffle.

    Funny how the peeps that tell the truth get 'negs' from Ellie fanboys!

  • Obiwanshinobi #93 2 years ago

    If it's erotic imagery you're after, just get some porn. The visuals will be more realistic, the acting will be better and the plot will make more sense. Plus you might get to see it actually going in and out. Dead or Alive: Paradise is not worth taking your trousers down for.

    Meh, where's the fun in getting some porn instead? Porn and this kind of fanservice are like films and books - they excel in different things. Im not into DoA service, though (Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance did that pneumatic thing better in the year 2001, and its absence in Champions of Norrath was a major turn-down for me). Castlevania: Symphony of the Night remains my favourite titty game, although its boobs are mostly carved in stone.

  • Ergates_Antius #94 2 years ago

    DOA, continuing to show that Japan has a long way to go before it's allowed to come and sit at the big table with the rest of the grown ups.

    As do a depressingly large proportion of Eurogamer readers.

    Note to all: Women are not objects. This is not "just a bit of fun". This is 2010 for fucks sake, not 1967. Grow. the Fuck. Up.

  • Windypops #95 2 years ago

    @Ergates_Antius

    Masturbation must be an unremittingly bleak experience for you.

  • Obiwanshinobi #96 2 years ago

    DOA, continuing to show that Japan has a long way to go before it's allowed to come and sit at the big table with the rest of the grown ups.

    As do a depressingly large proportion of Eurogamer readers.

    Note to all: Women are not objects. This is not "just a bit of fun". This is 2010 for fucks sake, not 1967. Grow. the Fuck. Up.

    Not only eludes me how come peeping at pretend girls is any worse than shooting pretend Germans, Arabs and North Koreans to death, but pointing at Japan in this context just doesn't make sense either. Which are those grown up cultures that don't produce "erotic imagery", or which grown up societies don't enjoy it? I suppose you could even track down some Iranian porn if you tried really hard. At least no harm was done in the process of making this game, which I wouldn't be so sure about if it was live-action porn (sugested by the reviewer as an alternative), be it western or Japanese.
    Edited by 1 at 04/04/10 @ 06:37

  • Ergates_Antius #97 2 years ago

    There is a difference between Erotica/porn (or at least, some porn) and this, which is pure and unadulterated objectification of women. Literally turning them into posable dolls - subserviant, passive sex objects to be used and degraded however you like.

    On it's own it wouldn't really matter, but it's not. It's part of a wide reaching malaise in our culture. Any single element on it's own (a game, an advert, a magazine, whatever) could be dismissed as unimportant "it's just a game", "it's just a picture" etc. However, each one reinforces the idea that women are objects whose primary purpose is to look nice to please men.

    If you don't see this as a problem then I worry for you as, frankly, it sickens me at times.

    I singled out Japan because a) thats where the game in question was made and b) whilst it's certainly true that sexism is serious problem in Europe and the US, it's also true that it's worse in Japan.

  • Kryon #98 2 years ago

    " subserviant, passive sex objects to be used and degraded however you like. "

    If that were true, I'd have pre-ordered this long ago, unfortunately it's not. It's cartoon women in bikinis and it's harmless, whilst your posts have made me aware of the Tesco value high-horse sale, I suggest that you dismount for just a moment and try to get a grip.
    This game is cheesy, not offensive. At the end of the day, people like nudity, not just men, women like it too, look through a couple of your girlfriends Heat magazines or or buy a copy, you'll see plenty of pics of bare chested 'studs' for the girlies to objectify. Watch some daytime TV, programs like Loose Women, they often have men in skimpy little pants parading around for no apparent reason with the female hosts making suggestive comments and drooling like rabid old dogs.

    Partial nudity and nudity in general sells, that's life.

  • jimberlee #99 2 years ago

    Read like a 10 to me.

  • darc #100 2 years ago

    "... tangerines, harps and enyclopaedias. No idea."

    Awesome. :D

  • Windypops #101 2 years ago

    @Ergates_Antius

    And you haven't answered Obiwanshinobi's rather pertinent point: why is titillation bad and shooting men repeatedly in the head for trophies okay? Because they're teh terroristz?

    If you're going to try and apply real-world moral values to video games, you're walking into a minefield that's actually one big mine with a bit of grass on top.

    Cultural malaise my arse.

  • Kryon #102 2 years ago

    All I can say is that I'm sickened and I hope you're all sickened too, if I were any more sickened I'd be sick...through my eyeballs.

  • Obiwanshinobi #103 2 years ago

    If you treat women like objects, it's because your shitty parents raised a stupid jerk of a kid, simple as that. Leave videogames out of this. I haven't played (or "played";) this game, but it looks like a straight peeping sim, which is by no means mature stuff, but then again, videogames are childish matter first and foremost.
    I can understand how women don't feel comfortable with their men leering lustily at other women (or depictions of other women), right. That's what ladies' underwear ads tend to exploit by the way. Still, when a man and a woman aren't reasonably happy having each other, and their children see them unhappy as a couple, throwing the blame for it on the bikini fanservice from Japan is just ridiculous.

  • ecco #104 2 years ago

    ""DOA, continuing to show that Japan has a long way to go before it's allowed to come and sit at the big table with the rest of the grown ups.""

    Grown ups like say... Italy? http://www .youtube.com/watch?v=auhMy7vo7QM

    Or the good old tasteful and equal US of A? http://www .youtube.com/watch?v=2UtI_3AnslE

    Bonus, In case you don't happen to speak italian or american: http://www .youtube.com/watch?v=uNtK9wRF1JI


    ""Note to all: Women are not objects. This is not "just a bit of fun". This is 2010 for fucks sake, not 1967. Grow. the Fuck. Up.""

    Note to all confused people completely dislocated from reality: The objects in the game are not women. They are however always just that, "objects" in the programmers and animators terms. I think you have a serious problem if you cant tell the difference, and a bloody insurmountable one if you think it's preferable to chose objectification and exploitation of women rather than objects.

  • Kami #105 2 years ago

    I think people have forgotten a really big point of this game. That is, the volleyball aspect has NEVER been very good, so they sell it purely based on the perv factor. And of course people will buy it. Sex sells, always has done and always will do. Personally for me, I don't find the ladies in DoA sexy at all - and it's not the fact they're not real (I have had the hots for Jill Valentine since my teens and I don't think her recent catsuit-bondage attire did anything to put me off... jesus phwooooaaaar yes please get yer tits out etc.). There's just a point for me, as a man, where boobs are just too big and DoA boobs are just stupid and ridiculous. Everyone has their own opinion but I prefer boobs to be of a managable size. However you can stack as much junk in the trunk as you want, as Sir Mixalot once said... I... like... big... butts and I cannot lie...

    However, that said, DoA of old was a perfectly good fighting game with decent mechanics. It had a gimmick - the boobs - but get beyond the gimmick and there was a lot of depth and grace to the system. And if you are going to actually play a game with girls like the ones in the DoA series, surely there's a hell of a lot more pleasure and eroticism in having two of them duke it out in a pool of water? Legs wrapped around each other, grappling each other to the floor... is that a controller in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  • Obiwanshinobi #106 2 years ago

    It really is telling that this review sports 100+ comments, whereas Rune Factory Frontier on its way off the front page has got miserable 21... You know, a Wii game which appears to be rather good and certainly good looking.

  • jonsaan #107 2 years ago

    The Volleyball is good though Kami. It's just most reviewers never concentrate on that part of the game, you have to stick at it, it develops, as does your AI partner's ability. In fact if you like Volleyball games you don't have much choice. Beach spikers featured women in bikinis. Real beach volleyball does too. The fact is Tecmo do it on purpose. It's free publicity for a niche game. Jetskiing has been dropped now too, probably because of the negative reaction to it in the last round of reviews. A shame as it was really good and could have been great with a few revisions.
    Edited by 1 at 05/04/10 @ 08:01

  • Smoped #108 2 years ago

    @ecco: Not sure how the fact that Italy makes horrendously terrible tv programmes makes this game any more mature, and surely "not for grown ups" is the best definition of American wrestling yet?

  • Captain_Jono #109 2 years ago

    Anyone remember the good old days when this franchise was a beat-em-up?

  • Ergates_Antius #110 2 years ago

    @Windypops: I didn't bother answering it because it seemed fairly obvious to me.

    The difference is this: The Pretend Germans you are pretending to shoot also have pretend guns and can pretend to shoot back. They are, more or less, just moving targets that can defend themselves and could quite easily be replaced with robots or monsters. The enjoyment (primarily) comes from overcoming the chalenge. Here, the enjoyment comes from perving over scantily clad women.

    Also, as I quite clearly stated (to quote my earlier self) 'Any single element on it's own (a game, an advert, a magazine, whatever) could be dismissed as unimportant "it's just a game", "it's just a picture" etc'. If this game is taken in isolation then it doesn't matter. However, it doesn't exist in isolation. Playing this game alone isn't going to have any noticable effect on anyones attitude to women. But playing this game, then this other game, then seeing that TV advert, then seeing that billboard poster and that magazine cover, and that one too, and the one next to it, and the one next to that, and watching that pop video, and that film and going to that car show and and and, it just goes on and on. It's everywhere, and the repeated exposure constantly reinforces the idea that it's OK to view women as sex objects. It's like rain: no single rain drop is going to have any measurable effect on anything, get enough of them however and you end up with a flood. And believe me, we've got more than enough of them.


    "Partial nudity and nudity in general sells, that's life" So, the end justifies the means, is that what you're saying? Doesn't matter what you do as long as it works?

    And if you honestly think that just because a few shitty day time television programs feature scantily clad men somehow indicates that all is equal in the world of sexual objectification then I suggest you open your eyes.

    @Ecco: Italy? You picked Italy? Well done! And presumably it's just a coincidence that the all the objects in question are deliberately modelled to look like women then? It would work just as well if they looked like frogs, or trees or an assortment of plain geometrical shapes?

  • Kryon #111 2 years ago

    @Ergates_Antius

    You seem to be repressed. Yes nudity is used to sell things, what's the big deal? You talk of billboards, adverts, music video's, etc, etc, I've seen all of these things with scantily clad men in them too. I think it's possibly your own view on these things that makes them "sickening" to you.

    "So, the end justifies the means, is that what you're saying? Doesn't matter what you do as long as it works?"

    Nope, I don't recall saying that.

    "And if you honestly think that just because a few shitty day time television programs feature scantily clad men somehow indicates that all is equal in the world of sexual objectification then I suggest you open your eyes. "

    I didn't say sexual objectification was "equal", it never will be "equal" because men and women are different creatures, but yes, semi-nude men are also objectified a lot in the media. Aftershave adds, girls mags, TV ads, billboards, all the things you mentioned, perhaps it's you who sees women as some kind of under-race in need of your 'manly' protection, hence your completely OTT stance on this issue, who knows, but all I can say is I'm sickened, you hear me? Sickened!!!

  • Windypops #112 2 years ago

    @Ergates_Antius

    Three words: Grand Theft Auto.

    Run over pedestrians, murder people, steal, etc. Oh, I forgot, it's a satire.

    Fact is, a vast amount of video games are about killing. Significantly more than are just about titillation. It might vary from a tiny spaceship sprite, presumably piloted by a humanoid, to a perfectly modelled and mo-capped effigy of a German soldier. The argument that they can shoot back is laughable: stealth kills, sniping, kerb-stomping? But, yeah, it's about the challenge.

    You're using exactly the same arguments about prurient games that people like Jack Thompson use about violent games; that they can in some way influence your behaviour in the real world. I bet you don't want to be like Jack Thompson, do you?

    And my crack about wanking was semi-serious. Assuming we're all healthy, normal chaps, chicken choking must feature to some degree in your life. Do you just focus on your significant other whilst repeating, "I respect your mind as well, I respect your mind as well..."?

  • mkreku #113 2 years ago

    Thanks for the review, Ellie, I loved it!

  • GuyNoir #114 2 years ago

    The review totally ignores the fact that the technology involved in calculating dynamic fluid motion in adipose tissue has many real world applications, and therefore the game has real benefits for mankind.

  • viper_h #115 2 years ago

    Gotta wonder where you got a 3 from with this review.

    Just get some porn!

  • kosigan #116 2 years ago

    If you think this is bad, you should have a look at this: [link url=http://en.wikipe dia.org/wiki/Rapelay
    ]http://en.wikipe dia.org/wiki/Rapelay
    [/link]
    It was actually released in Japan, apparently.

  • chris107 #117 1 year ago

    I can't believe you're insulting DOA like that! How dare you all!!!