Speedball 2: Evolution
The fact I'm so inept at Speedball 2 has long been a source of personal shame. I could tonk anyone at Kick Off 2, and usually hold my own at Sensible Soccer, but when it comes to Bitmap Brothers' rollicking future sport I tend to curl into a ball and let the big boys take turns to kick the crap out of me.
So it's been for the last two decades, and probably the next one. Having fired up Tower Studio/Vivid Games' exemplary iOS port, sure enough, even the weaker AI teams routinely shoulder-charge past my limp defences, throwing the steel ball past the despairing dive of my cringing keeper.
Occasionally I might manage to sneak a morale-boosting win or two with effective wing player and a bit of lucky argy-bargy. But someone's always there to take the wind out of your sails in Speedball 2.
As your hapless defence crumbles yet again, that sinking feeling of inevitable defeat returns. The only thing left is to try and train up your useless sacks of meat through progressive league and cup campaigns, and hope that bolstering your stats will make the difference.
You could, of course, just engage in some good old fashioned multiplayer in a vain attempt to bolster your self-esteem, but you're sadly restricted to Wi-Fi or Bluetooth play. No online or local fun for you, sonny. Maybe a patch can rectify such oversights.
On balance, though, Jon Hare and co. have done a fine job in capturing the spittle-flecked fury of the Amiga original so successfully. Thanks. I guess. Even with handicap of virtual sticks (or tilt controls if you're just plain odd), you'll be ripping the opposition a new one and wondering why no-one has managed to make a better futuristic sports game in the past 20 years.
Alone in the dark: it's a formula that never wanes, and here's another faintly grubby little game designed to spook the bejesus out of us.
Set in a world where everyone's considerately turned all the bleedin' lights out, it's a bit like feeling your way to the bog in the middle of the night after a house party. Someone's slipped something in your drink, and it's all you can do to stop yourself being sucked into the void.
If that sounds like your idea of entertainment, LambdaMu has just the thing. It's your job to guide a nervous young lady step-by-step through 50 progressively more taxing urgent toilet situations.
Sometimes you'll have periodic lightning flashes to guide the way. Other times you'll need to rely on echoes or pressure switches to stand a chance of avoiding the obstacles specifically designed to kill you to death.
Gallows humour aside, Infinight is actually quite an unsettling little bugger. Its simple top-down aesthetic belies the intensity of having to perpetually tread the finest of lines between escape and torment. And with the addition of various tapes to collect, the simple intrigue of the gradually unfolding narrative draws you in further.
By the time you're done with it, you'll be shot to pieces. A weary wreck, surrounded by hastily sketched maps, wondering how a 59p iPhone App could do this to you.