For the first 20 minutes, Metroid: Other M does a decent job of confirming your worst suspicions about just what Team Ninja might do to if it ever got its hands on Samus Aran.
With the start screen out of the way, the game immediately descends into a pretty – and pretty vapid – fug of cinematics, back-story and bizarrely delivered dialogue, while the roving cut-scene director never misses an opportunity to perv over the famous bounty hunter's jumpsuited body. By the time training is completed and a rather mopey Samus dons her armour and answers a distress call that takes her to an abandoned space ship, the more melodramatically inclined could be forgiven for deciding that the series' new caretakers have set out to systematically dismantle everything that ever made Metroid wonderful in the first place.
For a few minutes more, the disappointments continue to pile up. Oh dear, the space station isn't abandoned at all, but is instead filled with a squad of jerky NPC soldiers. Oh dear, one of the jerky NPC soldiers is Samus' old boyfriend. (Boyfriend? Seriously? Did they watch Kirsten Dunst movies together? Did their lips ever meet over a single strand of spaghetti?) Oh dear, another one of them looks like David Beckham. All that's left is for the team behind all those Beach Volleyball games to wedge the camera right inside Samus' unmentionables, and we can all go home and smother ourselves with our fan-made Ridley pillows.