I've made a terrible error of judgment. Oh, it seemed like a cracking wheeze at the time - "Yes, I'll review a Japanese horse racing game!" - but my devil-may-care cavalier attitude has come back like some karmic boomerang and smacked me right in the mush. Having volunteered for the task mostly out of curiosity and false bravado, I now find myself in the cold sober light of day, faced with the job of actually playing and reviewing the damn thing. And, to be quite candid, I'm more than a little scared.
I won't try to hide it. I know nothing about horses, or the racing thereof. I can't even remember the name of that sweaty hairy commentator who was on Celebrity Big Brother. I don't even have any experience of the previous entries in the G1 Jockey franchise, or of Gallop Racer - it's nearest rival (and I only know that because of our old friend, Google). In fact, the closest I've come is a solitary drunken encounter with one of those arcade cabinets at the Trocadero Centre, which resulted in me thrusting backwards and forwards on a plastic horse torso like some bestial version of Ron Jeremy, before staggering off to be very sick, leaving my virtual steed becalmed and confused in the middle of an empty track. So what to do?