The worst games I've ever played, by Ellie Gibson
She says goodbye to Eurogamer in the way she knows best.
Ellie writes: Dear readers,
Dead or Alive: Paradise
Spotlight
Key events
2nd April 2010
22nd March 2010
9th March 2010
28th January 2010
Greatest tits.
To experience the best of Dead or Alive: Paradise, all you need to do is watch the opening cut-scene. Jiggling boobs! Wiggling bottoms! Hair-flipping! Tree-climbing! Two girls barely old enough to take the Key Stage 3 exam licking an ice cream - at the same time! From the shower scene to the final shot of the lady in the pink canoe, it's a cavalcade of impossibly subtle visual metaphors that serves to remind us just how far women have come in their quest for equality.
Of course, there's no point complaining about all the tits 'n' ass in a Dead or Alive game. That would be like complaining there's too much port and Blue WKD in your pint of Cheeky Vimto. Besides, when it comes to Paradise there's plenty of other stuff to complain about - such as the rotten visuals, flimsy gameplay, poor controls, limited customisation options, lack of online functionality, shoddy AI, lazy presentation and pathetic excuse for a storyline, to name but a few.
The premise is simple, and stupid. Playing as one of the DOA girls (there's a roster of 12, including familiar faces like Tina, Ayane and Kasumi) you get to spend a two-week holiday on Zack Island. There you can visit places like Tranquil Beach, Niki Beach and Bass Island, which are all the same except with the palm trees in a different order. There's the Pool and the Pool Side, which again are remarkably similar. You can buy dull items at a grand total of three shops, or visit the Radio Station, which is actually a music options menu masquerading as a Radio Station.
Dead or Alive: Paradise here in April
In itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny swimwear.
Tecmo's told Eurogamer that Dead or Alive: Paradise will be released on 2nd April in Europe.
DOA: Paradise goal was not soft porn
It does not degrade women, says dev.
Dead or Alive: Paradise director Yoshinori Ueda has told Eurogamer that his PSP game is not supposed to be softcore pornography nor degrading towards women, despite titillating promotional videos and a marketing slogan that reads, "Paradise in the palm of your hand."
ESRB regrets DOA: Paradise outburst
Edits summary that called game "creepy".
America's ESRB organisation has apologised for classifying Dead or Alive: Paradise as a PSP game filled with "creepy voyeurism" and "bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want"; "Paradise cannot mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs," the Mature rating summary read.
VideoDead or Alive: Paradise trailer
There's a game in there somewhere.
Girls in bikinis. Sorry. Shallow.
Girls in bikinis. Sorry. Shallow.