Look, you're probably about as enthusiastic about reading a review of yet another mini-game title for the EyeToy as I am writing it. But read on. As an incentive for sitting through, Eurogamer will be providing free coffee and Jaffa Cakes for all its readers at the end. You can't say fairer than that.
"Lemmings is a charming, simple, ingenious puzzle game that deservedly built an empire (and this was before empire-building regressed to the traditional rape, pillage and then beat-them-up-in-the-alley-to-get-your-money-back model)."
In order to set the scene, let's go back to the first couple of hours in Piranha Byte's third-person swords and goblins adventure and take a gander at my mission list:
The Gametrak peripheral first saw the light of day a couple of years ago. In case, you haven't heard of it, it's nothing more than a small USB-cabled box of tricks which allows it to theoretically translate your physical moves into on-screen action. It was originally released with two games: Dark Wind - a competent yet average fighting game, and the more popular Real World Golf - of which this is the sequel. Though considering we never got round to covering either the peripheral or the games here at Eurogamer HQ, I'm sure you won't mind if we go a little in-depth with the overall package.
You are not unique. In a world of six and half billion, individuality is an increasingly rare commodity. You think you're the only person reading this review in your underpants, idly digging out earwax as the sun's rays harshly penetrate the gaps in your threadbare curtains? There's someone doing the exact the same thing twenty miles away. You think you're the first person to add tomato sauce to your ice cream? Well, someone's already written the recipe book. That idea you had for the movie where the grieving inventor downloads his dead wife's soul into a giant robot and embarks on a road trip with his sassy ex-prostitute lawyer and her pet grizzly bear? Even I've pitched that one. You've got an undercover agent hidden in their midst. Guess what? They've got one in yours!
When Sony's marketing juggernaut stopped off at the post-E3 diner for a (currently undigested) slice of humble pie, it's a safe bet that their autopsy of that disastrous conference lingered for a moment on Genji 2. Don't get me wrong, there may be potential not yet realised in both the game and the PS3, but that hasn't stopped us all having a hearty laugh at flipping over giant enemy crabs and attacking their weak point for massive damage, engaging in spuriously authentic Japanese battles, and marvelling at such innovative features as real-time weapon change.
Alright, hands up if you thought this would be awful. That looks like all of you. Let's continue.
Most Haunted surprised us all a couple of years back by being one of those rare breakouts from cable television's dirge of bored housewife programming. At its zenith it took a slouching nation on a couch-driven gawk-thru of Britain's spookiest spots with a presentational style bordering the right side of rampant hysteria. Watching Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah scream in terror if so much as a floorboard creaked or a badger snuffled was a testament to non-event TV everywhere.
Oh, it's a shame to see what Hollywood's doing to CG-animated movies these days. Back when Toy Story was released, it was a fresh, innovative and exciting genre of infinite possibilities. Today: a formulaic rehashing of the same wacky group of anthropomorphic characters wise-cracking the same tawdry jokes with a moderately serviceable wink to the grown-ups, and transparent parodies of modern-day culture. All tied up in some high-concept plot that tediously echoes the previous one on the production line. The more things change the more they stay the same.