"He likes liquor. He never made a friend throughout his entire life. In his life crazed about martial arts, only one thing he considers to be his friend is the liquor. People say, you can find him pouring liquor in his mouth on days he killed another."
As a psychologist, I'm often called upon to nod and frown, whilst someone pays me lots of money so they can recline on a leather couch. Sometimes, I even get to do some psychology, which mainly consists of mentioning the word schizophrenia, tutting and frowning, like the world's axis rests on the gravitas of my words. Then I get paid lots! It's great.
Right. This really is a wrestling game, although there are a couple of things - or to be more precise two huge wobbly things - that might convince you otherwise. Rumble Roses XX plays like a version of SmackDown from a few years ago. You strike, you grapple, you throw, fill up your special gauge and you sort of mince around the ring in awkward circles trying to get a good grip.
This, as the Americans might say, is the darndest thing. On the surface it looks like a cracking deal, what with you getting not one, not two, not even three or between four and seven, but an incredible eight old Sega arcade games remade for PlayStation 2. Sega made the best old arcade machines ever, and now you're getting eight of them for 20 quid. What an amazing deal! It looks too good to be true!
Ten years ago, almost to the day, Sega Rally came out for Sega's Saturn in the UK. What a time. Obviously we bought it on launch day and loved every second of its incredible three-and-a-half minute long racing orgasm.
Now here's a weird thing. We didn't really rate SmackDown! Versus Raw 2006 on PS2 very highly a few months ago. "More of the same" we moaned endlessly, because we've been reviewing these things for about seven years now, and it was, literally, more of the same with minor tweaks that even its mother would find hard to spot. "Not enough new stuff" we also whined like spoiled babies, thanks to a minimal number of new wrestlers and a tweaked energy bar system that wasn't really as good as the one in the previous year's game. Change for the sake of it, was the harsh summary.
Reviewing games isnít as rock and roll as it used to be. These annual updates donít need much reviewing, seeing as theyíre too important for any drastic changes to be made. Itís about protecting the franchise, innit? The easiest thing to do would be to sit down with a nice PowerPoint presentation that points out whatís different this year from last year, then make a few notes.