What's New? (5th Oct, 2007)

New PAL releases.

Feature by Tom Bramwell Former Editor-in-Chief

Updated on 10 Oct 2007

Following far too much recent speculation for it to just be a bunch of bored journalists struggling to care about what people are saying to the public and deciding to not so subtly imply that everything's a conspiracy and you're all on the losing end, What's New is pleased to announce that it has called an election without autocue for 70 minutes.

The election will exclude just about everybody who has had to move house this year c.f. floods/other catastrophes we could have averted, but we are confident that by screwing over the people to whom we inflicted gravest injury through incompetent and negligent governance without autocue for 70 minutes, we stand a better chance of retaining our power.

With this power, we intend to continue not commenting on this week's new releases, not allowing any kind of editorial oversight to drive our words in the direction of sense, and not listening to the howls of derision that greet our every utterance. Moreover, we intend to speak without autocue for 70 minutes.

We met a man in our constituency the other day, who had been playing a computer game. He told us that he was surprised at how many dropships it had in it - particularly given that it was a game about reordering blocks so that they form same-coloured hexagons. We shook our heads without autocue for 70 minutes.

We appreciate that the people who put so many dropships in our games have tried hard, but they have failed, whereas we have spoken without autocue for 70 minutes. During those 70 minutes (without autocue), we referred to our notes only briefly, and only when the camera was showing the television audience pictures of that slightly fit redhead who looked like she was about to suffer heatstroke.

We believe the time has come for an election. Will they take us on? If they do not, our point is proved, and if they do, our point is also proved, and therefore we win, and will continue governing your advice on which games to buy without ever offering any guidance as such for as long as it takes us to panic ourselves into trying to write the next column (probably about 70 minutes).

To the future! Without autocue! Or sufficient premise to sustain a joke!