Privates • Page 2

A dose of the claps?

Captain Jack and his troops explore the velvety moist patches of various rude parts as the game continues - and overall the game will add up to around an hour of play-time. The game begins in a lady's fou-fou, then proceeds to dance upon the underbelly of a chap's scrotal sack. From here there's a manky mouth and stomach to contend with, some infected fallopian tubes and the game's most memorable sequence: a disease-ridden bottom full to the brim of slurry and semen that's under the command of the undefeatable HIV virus.

If you've never been chased though a rectum of a person of undetermined sex while being pursued by an unstoppable Machiavellian skull who's chanting "Aids! Aids! Aids!" then, finally, your time has come.

Every enemy's behaviour, meanwhile, has something to do with their real-world symptoms: floating purple Chlamydia baddies are hard to spot, Syphilis is a lanky top-hatted zombie who fires missiles that can send you mad (warping the screen or toying with your size) while the HPV virus boss can slowly turn the cells beneath your feet cancerous.

Behind everything, there is something to be learned. It cannot be denied that behind the rudeness (and this is the rudest game I've played since one that came out in the nineties that encouraged you to shave Jo Guest's particulars) there is a clear message that Zombie Cow and Channel 4 are hoping will be conveyed to its audiences of snickering adolescents and curious gamers of an older generation.

There's an argument, of course, that says this is all a bit too much. Privates is less an intricate discussion of adult relationships and sex politics, and more a sweeping torrent of (well-intentioned) filth that expects to speak directly to an audience already literate in the ins and outs of how's-your-father; if not its biology and its dangers. There's no subtext of human relationships or affection: just a cartoon cross-section of the squelchiest bits of unidentified human bodies under siege from a barrage of ming.

On release then it's likely to be effective in its schooling and direct in its message, but this is meant to be a side salad of guidance rather than all-encompassing curriculum. For a fully balanced diet of sexual education Privates-playing teens might have to hope that their teachers are up to the job.

Although Privates is liable to cause debate, in a time with such frightening sexual health statistics among teenagers it's genuinely refreshing to experience something that gets straight to the point, knows its audience and underlines the fact that if you're inside a stranger's bum it's best to wear a condom. Although perhaps not as a hat.

Privates is due out on 5th August.

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About the author

Will Porter

Will Porter


Will ‘Velvet Owl’ Porter is a roaming freelance writer who most recently worked with The Creative Assembly on Alien: Isolation. You can find out how cold/hungry he is by following @Batsphinx on Twitter.


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