Having sorted out your body Nintendo wants to fix your face. So here's Face Training - it's "based on the internationally recognised concept of Facening", which involves pulling different facial expressions to exercise and tone your features.
Face Training comes complete with a camera peripheral and a stand to rest your DS on. The top screen shows a gurning woman. On the touch screen you will see your own face. You have to copy the gurning woman's moves and the game will rate you on how closely you mirror her.
"It looks slick, it comes with neat accessories and it's an innovative idea," says some bint. "Whether it's an interesting one, at least as far as most gamers are concerned, remains to be seen." We all know what that means.
Cushty: In the nineties, people didn't need games consoles and cameras to make them gurn! They used good old-fashioned drugs. Big shout out to the man at 2m 23.
It's not just how you look, it's what's inside that counts, is the lie people tell little girls so they won't be disappointed when they grow up to find they're not fit enough to be on Hollyoaks. But if you believe brains still count for anything why not have a go at Maths Training?
It's brought to us not by Carol Vorderman sadly but a man called Professor Kageyama. The main exercise is a grid of 100 maths problem. As with Brain Training you hold the DS sideways and write your answers with the stylus.
And as with Brain Training, the game keeps track of your progress. Every five days you get three new exercises to try out. You'll be awarded with bronze, silver or gold medals depending on how you do.
Maths Training is out on 8th February so expect a review soon. You'll never guess who's doing it.
Sums it up: There are plenty of Vorderman fansites on the net. Many are frightening: "Carol is to be on Strictly Come Dancing this Saturday. If she lasts to week two she's going to be wearing a dress that is basically a flesh-coloured net with diamonds on." That's quite tame but for legal reasons we cannot give you the link to the erotic fan fiction starring Carol, Anthea and Ulrika.
My Life Coach
Why should Nintendo have all the money, sorry fun, says Ubisoft. Last year we got the first of their "lifestyle" titles, My Word Coach for DS and Wii, and now My Life Coach is on the way.
It's designed to improve the way you live your life and encourage healthier habits. You start out by answering questions about what exercise you do, how much sleep you get and what you eat.
Then, assuming your answers are things like "Going to Threshers", "Four or five hours depending on what time Larry Sanders is on" and "Dairylea triangles and Lucozade", My Life Coach sets you tailored challenges.
These could be anything from getting eight hours' sleep to eating three pieces of fruit in one day to smoking 13 fags during a single episode of Doctors. Except the last one. You're rewarded for meeting these challenges - for example, you might get to choose what type of task you're given the next day.
If that sounds like your cup of camomile tea, check out My Life Coach when it arrives this "quarter".
Get real: Eurogamer's preferred life coach is Dr. Phil McGraw. He doesn't just help out nutty stars like Britney, you know. Meet Thomas, a flasher who's shown his Johnson to 50,000 women! It's okay though - Thomas claims 70 per cent of the women gave him a "positive reaction" and 10 per cent of them slept with him. Wheeeeeee!
New from the people who brought you Guitar Hero comes Guitar Hero except with SingStar and a drum kit. Rock Band launched in the US on 20th November and it's been a huge hit there - more than 1.5 million copies have been sold, and Americans have downloaded music tracks worth USD 2.5 million.
But Fergie (which ever one you're thinking of, it still holds) is also a huge hit in the States, so is Rock Band really any good? Yes, it is some good, says Tom. He describes it as offering "a brilliant multiplayer experience that delivers on its ambitious premise," but added he's "not without a few reservations both in software and hardware".
"Karaoke and guitar specialists certainly won't want to throw out their SingStars and Guitar Heroes," Tom reckons. Carry on: "But with the peripheral set-up now established and regular infusions of downloadable content, the future's bright for Rock Band - and the present's pretty rocking too."
Rock Band is coming to Europe some time after 1st April. It will be available for PS2, PS3, Xbox 360 and, it's just been announced, Wii.
"That's the colonic chair": It is a truth universally acknowledged that all articles mentioning Rock Band must include a Spinal Tap reference. Why not just watch their Live Earth documentary instead.
Samba de Amigo Wii
In the kingdom of SEGA, it's okay to teach monkeys to wear hats and play percussion instruments. Thank goodness or we'd never have enjoyed Samba de Amigo on the Dreamcast all those years ago, or gotten bored of it and made enough on eBay to buy a spare flat.
Now the game is being remade for Wii. It's played by shaking the remote and nunchuk like maracas in time with the beat of the music. We're promised "popular new songs" as well as "fan favourites from the original game".
The game is being developed by Gearbox Software, best known for the Brothers in Arms series. Not many sombrero-wearing monkeys in those games but some of the Nazis do play the maracas if we recall.
SEGA has yet to release a track listing or details of the "new special features" promised for Samba de Amigo Wii. Expect more news soon, though, as the game is due out this spring.
Do the "math": Monkeys + hats + musical instruments = gold.