It's almost been a full year since we saw two truly horrifying Mario stories pop up on the internet. Within the same week, Stormy Daniels compared a part of Donald Trump's anatomy to "the mushroom character in Mario Kart", while the internet went into meltdown over Bowsette fan art.
In a strange turn of events, the latest playable Mario Kart character manages to combine the two, as Peachette is being introduced to the series - and she can rain mushrooms onto the track using her mushroom-shaped cannon. I call this the pathetic phallacy.
First seen in New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe, Peachette is formed when Toadette puts on the Super Crown to become a version of Peach (that's the infamous item that started the Bowsette fan art movement, FYI). Her special item, The Mushroom Cannon, allows players to continuously fire out mushrooms onto the track, giving everyone who collects one a temporary speed boost, "making everyone happy". "You get a Mushroom... everyone gets a Mushroom!" is a quote from Nintendo I did not expect to see today.
Hot on the heels of Peachette's debut, we're proud to reveal her new special item - The Mushroom Cannon! Designed to resemble a Mushroom, this cannon continually shoots out Mushrooms in front of your kart, making everyone happy! You get a Mushroom...everyone gets a Mushroom! pic.twitter.com/pZ3nvlJLG5— Mario Kart Tour (@mariokarttourEN) September 8, 2019
The catch is she's being introduced to mobile game Mario Kart Tour rather than - well, any mainline Mario Kart game that isn't stuffed with questionable free-to-play microtransactions. Maybe she'll make the starting lineup for the next Mario Kart title on consoles. In the meantime, you can play as Peachette in Mario Kart Tour when the game releases in full on 25th September.