I hate my life.
Well, that was long. But we did get to see Death Stranding gameplay - it's weird - and a bevvy of announcements. Here's eveyrthing as it happened.
And with that, welcome to the last show of the night!
Wow I go to the fridge to get a beer and I come back to you all talking about Fred Harris and Andi Peters.
I really love you lot.
For this - and for Geoff - I have relocated to my shed. Let's make magic happen.
So, what to expect?
Well, after the Stadia shit show, let's go in expecting absolutely nothing and then reel in wonderment as they manage to limbo under those low, low expectations.
I even miss Cybernet. I wasn't total shit. But I really miss Digitiser.
Every morning, I mentally type in page 370 in the great Teletext index in my head and try to go back to those better days.
Update - the internet in the shed wasn't good enough for 1080p Geoff, which is my own personal minimum requirement. So I'm back in the living room.
And here he is!
He's all dressed up and everything.
He looks like he's about to bowl into a stand-up routine.
Peter Kay-esque. "'ooo 'ere remembers the Spectrum? What were that about?"
Rodd, fresh from Inside Xbox, is here on stage. No outfit change, but that's understandable.
A new campaign trailer. And already I feel this is delivering more than the past three hours have.
It looks well nice. Especially now my stream is working and it's giving me sweet 60fps.
Zero lag or stuttering. Google, take note.
GUNS! MUSCLES! NINE INCH NAILS!
I want to be in the smelly dark basement of my parent's place in Oregon smoking the cheapest weed, drinking Pabst and playing this right now.
4K/60fps on X - was that not the case with Gears 4?
I'll bet non of you remember CyberZone with Craig Charles. An utterly awful VR thing in the 90's that ran for one series on BBC2. Even Youtube doesnt want to remember it, theres one clip.
Most days I wish I didn't.
Would love to be arsed about Gears but there's just something so bland about it all
I just love the out and out chunk of it all. It's like smashing together big toys and makes me feel like an angry toddler. Well, more like an angry toddler than I usually feel.
Gears is out sooooooon. September 10th, fyi.
Gears 5 wins award for best Xbox game at Gamescom. I'm not sure what other Xbox games it was up against, but still well done.
Some brand new things!
It looks like Disintegration, the new shooter from ex-Bungie lad Marcus Lehto.
Oooh, a new Comanche. Well, that is a surprise.
I'll take that.
People diss Geoff, but compared to what's preceded him he's got a easy, relaxed vibe that's helping this flow.
First gameplay of Comanche - it's going into early access next year.
HAVE THEY KEPT THE VOXELS.
Dear reader, they did not keep the voxels.
Nukklear is the dev, THQ Nordic is the publisher, PC is the platform. AND COMANCHE IS THE GAME!
And here's some more drones, and one of those amazing moments when the camera doesn't cut away quickly enough and the smile on Geoff's face begins to crack.
This is what I live for. This is live video games.
Need for Speed Sheeeeeeiiiiit.
I just thought of that joke just now well done me.
Here's our first look at gameplay of NFS Heat.
I wish I could be more excited, but it's really not the Fast and Furious game it should be.
I wish Slightly Mad Studios would hurry up with their own Fast and Furious game, if it's still happening.
There's a day/night mechanic, with the police more aggressive at night. It could be good. It should be good. Will it be good? I don't know.
Nice customisation options, too - they've gone to town with an R8 and it looks suitably disgusting.
OH AND YOU CAN PIMP YOURSELF!
This really, really should be amazing. No Supra no sale though.
Fatter Pipes and Bigger Rims
And NFS Heat, which lets you build a ride on your phone, is now on Android.
Here's a new first. Geoff does know how to put these things together, doesn't he?
It's a Private Division game - and it has space.
And M83, because the people who make these trailers still think it's 2011.
The sequel, coming next year. And here's another announcement.
Geoff! Stop it! You're making me blush!
It looks a lot like Little Nightmares 2.
Probably because it is Little Nightmares 2, from the brilliant Tarsier Studios once again.
Another 2020 game, coming to Xbox, PlayStation and Switch. And PC.
Is that it for the announcements?
Oh, we've also got a new look at Death Stranding coming too.
Media Molecule gets an award!
Geoff loves his awards. Couldn't go a whole night without giving a couple out.
Bet he's awkward like that on a night out. Gives the lad at the curry house an award for outstanding service. Pretty sure that lad would have rather had a tip, Geoff.
God you're so tight Geoff. This is why we don't invite you out anymore.
Anyway here's Predator, which looks very Predator and maybe a bit too much like the 2010 Rebellion game (which, you know what, I kind of liked).
Opinion. Predator 2 is better than Predator.
But that's the wrong opinion? Although Predator 2 can be quite lol.
A bit of work to be done on Predator Hunting Grounds, but there's still plenty of time to go on that one.
Here's Iceborne - which, I can confirm, is absolute nails.
As an addict of handheld monster hunter I dont like the console version. Too simplified. I tried
I think this one's trying to win back the hardcore who might have been turned off by vanilla Monster Hunter World.
Yager up next. I forget what they're working on.
Since Dead Island 2 went to all the other devs.
Oh, they're making The Cycle!
It's got guns in it.
And that's in early access now.
Whatever happened to Dead Island 2?
Don't know how to tell you this, but after it went through like seven different studios it turns out you're making it now. Get a rush on will you.
A new trailer for Life is Strange 2's fourth episode.
It's bang afer bang after bang after bang.
Geoff just got a whatsapp from his boyfriend and he's really excited about it.
Here's that Sega announcement! They're doing a Civ-baiting game with Amplitude.
I hope the end game does have cavemen rocking out, because I am in if that's the case.
It's a caveman in space, rocking out. What's not to like?
And that's Humankind - coming next year.
Here's Borderlands 3. No Randy.
I'm already sick of Borderlands 3
Well, Ice T is in Borderlands 3, so that's something.
ClapTRAP you cunts!
A new game is inbound!
Or at least one you might not have heard of before.
It's a German one!
It's made in Unreal Engine!
It's got spaceships!
It's by Rockfish!
Oh it's Everspace 2.
Geoff, mate. Were you having us on?
I think some people might have heard of that one.
Anyway it looks great.
Really spacey and shippy and explosiony.
lol 2021 game branded as PS4 and Xbone.
That is odd - I spotted earlier they just had the Xbox and PlayStation logos rather than console specific ones for some games.
If you are interested in how this is shaping up for the Switch, it's worth keeping an eye on the site.
I think it looks decent, and as someone who's bounced off the game a couple of times I'm looking forward to doing so all over again come October.
Oh it's out on October 15th!
'Now we're going to talk about FIFA 20'.
PES looks good this year though, doesn't it?
FIFA really is the worst of video games. That bit where it was actually good between 09 and 13 seems like a distant dream, an odd little blip.
If somehow their nefarious ways means that lizard in a suit Andrew Wilson gets jail time though it'll all be worth it.
Anyway, FIFA 20. It's got keep-ups in it!
gotta love game teeth
Oh my god. And it has teeth. So many teeth.
Don't applaud that cunt. Take the fuckef out with a bone cruncher
Well, this is a novel new take on the 'cheer that' formula.
So, *this* is Disintegration, which is from ex-Bungie man Marcus Lehto.
Marcus, you've just left Bungie. The world's your oyster. Make whatever game you want to make.
'Can I make Halo again plz'
Oh alright then.
Cayde 6 lives!
The dev is V1 Interactive, some 30 people working out of Seattle.
It's a first-person shooter with RTS elements.
So it kind of sounds like it honours the original vision for Halo? Maybe. I dunno. I've only seen a couple of minutes of it.
Well, I'll be interested to see how it plays - and it's playable this week at Gamescom.
Darksiders Diablo next.
It's a Tequila Works game for Stadia - one that I forgot about, even having just sat through the interminable Stadia presentation earlier. Oh, that's because it wasn't there!
What is a womangirl Geoff.
Why wasn't this in the Stadia showcase?
Because it might have made it interesting?
I don't understand what's going on but I feel admonished.
Nintendo won an award!
Well done Nintendo.
Say hi for me please.
Opinion. BoTW is a terrible videogame.
Look, I let you have Predator 2. But you've gone too far this time.
More on Destiny 2 now. Can I move onto the strong stuff yet? Mentally I was only prepared for an 8pm finish.
Eris Morn is back, so is the moon, so are wizards too I guess.
The momentum has been sapped dry from this show.
Think about that sweet OT pay Martin
Great, those angry fax machines The Vex are back.
I can't hear an old school dial-up tone without having flashbacks to The Vault of Glass and the countless hours I wasted there.
Ok you win.
Well, that's Destiny 2 Shadowkeep.
I don't know.
Oh, I'm told it's Remothered.
Which I'm also told by Eurogamer's Matt Wales is quite good.
That counts as a reveal. You can have that, Geoff.
Thank God . I hadn't seen any reference to Borderlands 3 for a while.
Also is that the first dubstep of Gamescom 2019?
Waiting for AddressUnknown with: 'Opinion. Dubstep is alright actually.'
Someone's brought his son onstage.
I think it must be bring your kid to work day. The little one looks quite shy, but he's doing okay!
One day you might get a real job too, young one.
(Says the man sitting on his sofa being an arsehole on the internet).
Here's a new trailer from Sony!
IS IT DEMON'S SOULS?
It is not Demon's Souls.
It looks like one of the Wales Interactive FMV games.
Or maybe the Demon's Souls remake has got one hell of a twist?
ACTING! CHOICES! MORE ACTING!
Erica - which I've actually heard good things about?
Jack Attridge is a very smart guy, so I'm interested in what this one's doing.
I think this was announced back at Paris Games Week an absolute age ago.
I'm liking the subdued outfits on display.
As in looks like a funeral up on stage at the moment?
What kind of a bellend films the whole thing, which is being livestreamed, on their phone? At least he was in landscape.
I once went to a 70mm screening of 2001 and some wazzock in front of me was trying to film it on his phone. He also got really indignant when I told him to stop.
Also, while we're playing this game.
Opinion: Fast and Furious 7 is better than 2001.
The Farming Sim league has its tournament at Gamescom, and I think that's the biggest cheer there's been all show.
I don't know who this guy is but I respect his hat.
Fletch Lives is better than 12 Angry Men
Opinion. Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift better than 2001.
No lies detected.
Two hours though.
That new one they shoehorned the fast and furious name into, with Statham looks pretty good.
It is very good! But it's no Fast and Furious 7. Nothing ever could be.
I'm not even joking about Fast and Furious 7. Like, have you seen Orson Welles' A Touch of Evil? You know how good the first five minutes is?
Imagine that BUT FOR A WHOLE FILM.
Opinion. The Rock makes every film better
The Rock just got married today!
In many ways the F&tF universe is better than MCU
That is a 100 per cent, verified fact.
Look, I know it sucks sometimes when video game sites start writing about films and whatnot. But can I get your permission to make 50 per cent of the content on Eurogamer about the Fast and Furious series?
Sorry, I stopped watching the show. Is it Anno or something?
Oh it's Port Royale 4. Sorry, my bad.
You've got to play to your audience, though, so it's understandable they've gone deep RTS for Gamescom.
And on that note, here's Iron Harvest.
Yes. Permission granted.
Thanks. Printing this out and presenting it to Oli tomorrow morning. You won't regret it.
Martin, I'd take 50% more F&F for 50% less Fortnite etc. Permission granted.
Ha, ok. Duly noted, will also present this to da management.
What is the point in the awards?
They're nice to show your mum who always ask what your job actually is.
Grid from Koch media?
Coke media, darling.
Modern Phwoarfare is up next.
They should call it that though it totally nails the tone they're going for.
Is it still that guy from the Bill/Minder doing the voice of that guy with the tash?
I regret to inform you that no, he is not.
It's an absolute crime.
A Modern Warfare alpha is inbound, people.
HERE COMES KOJ.
I'd be cynical, but seeing true love like this is quite touching.
It all began when Geoff heroically broke Koj out of that gulag.
I wonder if Koj thinks this is all a bit weird.
Has Keighley in his phone as 'Creepy Geoff'.
It starts buzzing, Koj sees it's creepy Geoff, rolls his eyes. He can't ignore another call. He'll have to make up some bullshit excuse.
Just go to Germany, get up on stage for a couple of minutes, then he'll stop calling for a couple of months.
I'll finally have some peace.
Be able to get back to those box sets.
I lik ehow Hideo pretends he cant speak English whenever Geoff is around.
Kojima, visionary, auteur. Creator of... That guy who keeps shitting himself. That girl that was made out of plants or something so had to be pretty much nude the entire game.
THE MAN WHO MADE A GAME WITH A SUNLIGHT SENSOR THAT WAS ESSENTIAL TO PLAYING IT, AND WAS EXCLUSIVE TO THE HANDHELD THAT YOU COULDN'T PLAY IN THE SUN BECAUSE THE SCREEN WAS SO BAD.
I do think this looks more Metal Gear Solid 4 than anything else.
I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
Anyway, that was Andie Macdowell's daughter, fact fans.
That was Mama. And this? This is... Deadman.
Played by Del Toro, of course.
I need to go to toilet. If I give someone the password to our CMS can they take over for a bit?
I'll just make nipple jokes
Well, that is pretty much all I do.
Number one or number two?
It was a number one. I'm back, I'm afraid.
Geoff nodding like any of this shit makes any sense.
If you think this is bad, you wait until the deluge of awful op-eds that come out in the wake of Death Stranding.
So, here's some gameplay.
Here we go.
The first gameplay of Death Stranding.
You get to nap in Iceland.
Then you stop napping. And have a think about getting up.
Then you piss on a rock.
Oh the baby is pissing. Sorry.
I do reckon this has the potential to be the next Boktai.
This what I call gameplay leak. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I told you I'd peaked.
You're on fire.
Geoff Keighley is in Death Stranding.
I hate everyone and everything.
It's a postman simulator where you bring your baby to work and Geoff Keighley is in it.
Will obviously reserve judgement for the final thing, and the exploration side looks wonderful.
But also Kojima fans are just as tedious as Tarantino fans, so the back end of 2019 sure is going to be fun.
They mocapped Geoff's face - but it did look a little bit Max Payne.
Geoff's face is un-mocappable.
It is unmoving.
It is a rock.
He is born from the Moai.
I've got a Kojima Productions T-shirt and hoodie. Picked them up from Insert Coin.
Opinion: burn them now.
Also yes it does look very interesting and very different and I'm honestly very excited to play it but I think the amount of misplaced reverence makes it very tempting to scream 'do one'.
I love that Death Stranding exists, and games in 2019 are all the better for it and for people like Kojima.
(Although there are lots of good video games and interesting people making them that deserve just as much, if not more, reverence and respect).
I miss Swery.
tbh, I think this cameo stuff would have been better just being found by people on the Interwebz.
Yeah, it didn't need 30 minutes on-stage for sure.
Well, that was Death Stranding.
And oh my god yes INSOMANiAC, if Langford is in it all this self-fellation will be excused.
I look forward to finding out more about Death Stranding later this year. But also just get off the stage and go rut you two.
That was Gamescom Opening Night Live. And you know what? It was actually really good - the last half hour was awkward and the last half sagged, but there were some good announcements and it felt like a proper video game show.
I might even be tempted to clap that?
Thanks for having me, and thanks for keeping me sane and for keeping it entertaining.
I wish we could do this every day. But also I'd like to not be on my laptop so I'm signing off. Tara!