You won't believe your mince pies it's Woodcutter Simulator 2013!

You are the lumberjack, the gruff, moustached brute in a checkered shirt. Calloused hands smash your trusty axe into trunk after trunk, felling the great wooden skyscrapers of your horizon.

lumberjack
Oops no moustache.

Your shirt removed you feel the crisp mountain air on your muscled flesh and rushing into your heaving chest. This is your sky, your forest, your world.

Except Woodcutter Simulator is nothing like that. It's all "numerous vehicles and cranes" and "diverse tasks" and "integrated economy" and chainsaws and delivering logs to customers in bloody vans.

It's as if someone sucked all the romance out of the idea with an industrial leaf vacuum. It's like stupid old boring real life. Look!

If you're still interested, pencil Q1 2013 in the diary and make sure you've got a capable-ish PC.

It's not even my favourite simulator game. I mean, Excalibur has Camping Manager 2012 and Bridge Project, and Disaster Response Unit and Circus World.

But there's still no sign of Victorian Chimney Sweep Simulator or Morgue Simulator.

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Robert Purchese

Robert Purchese

Senior Staff Writer

Bertie is senior staff writer and Eurogamer's Poland-and-dragons correspondent. He's part of the furniture here, a friendly chair, and reports on all kinds of things, the stranger the better.

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