Robot Unicorn Attack
"Open your eyes I see. Your eyes are open. Wear no disguise for me. Come into the open. When it's cold outside. Am I here in vain? Hold onto the night. There will be no shame. Always. I wanna be with you. And make believe in you. And live in harmony harmony. Oh love."
Wise words indeed, and words that will be etched deep into your subconscious for the rest of your natural life, if Adult Swim has anything to do with it.
As if it wasn't enough to guide a soaring robot unicorn through a fantasy landscape for as long as possible, you have to do the whole thing while being serenaded by fluorescent pop duo Erasure.
Under normal circumstances, Andy Bell's insistent warbling might provoke harrowing memories of rubber perv suits from their late eighties, early nineties Top Of The Pops pomp. But as backing to this extravagant take on Canabalt, it's strangely inspirational.
Merely trying to bound and dash through to the second chorus feels like a minor victory. The chances are your poor unicorn will meet the predicted fiery death on several hundred occasions, but it hardly matters. Always!
If you ever get to the end of the song in the game, be sure to sing it loudly the next time you have a shower in joyous celebration of the colour pink. It's the least you can do.
Robot Wants Kitty
- iPhone/iPad £0.59 (universal binary)
You can either view the ongoing Flash-game migration to phones as exploitative shovelware, or as a welcome chance to catch up on the best of what you've missed. Case in point: Robot Wants Kitty, a game that would have completely passed me by had it not been made available on iOS.
This cheerful homage to retro platforming has you scooting around elaborate environments in honourable pursuit of fluffy felines, and is as charming as they come.
Each of the game's six levels starts you off in command of a rather hapless robot, stripped of any useful abilities whatsoever. But in the tradition of what everyone now likes to call Metroidvania, your exploration is gradually rewarded with all manner of upgrades that eventually allow you to gain access to areas that were previously off-limits.
So, off you go in search of keycards, blasting enemies and rocketing your way across yawning chasms, humming an insidious tune, just like the good old days. Before you know it, comparisons to some of the genre's true greats spring to mind, and you're smiling the smile of 59 pence well spent. Who cares if it's no longer free? Slap your money down and feel the warm glow of supporting Raptisoft's sterling efforts.