Stoatboy Comments

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  • Descent creators launch Kickstarter for spiritual successor Overload

  • Stoatboy 10/02/2016

    @SwissTony1994: I know. The thing is I played them both back in the day, SP and MP,and Descent needed the MP far more than Doom did. I loved the bit of coop Doom I played,but the game is just fantastic on its own.

    Descent was brilliant multiplayer, but on its own it feels a bit empty. (I bought it for my Amiga - I've never felt lonelier..)
    Reply 0
  • Stoatboy 10/02/2016

    @SwissTony1994: Yeah - who'd want Doom without the multiplayer?

    Waste of fucking time...
    Reply -4
  • Shenmue 3 PayPal backers denied Kickstarter-exclusive reward options "as originally promised"

  • Stoatboy 06/01/2016

    @Calverz. Anyone not prepared to undertake the back-breaking labour of setting up a Kickstarter account clearly doesn't deserve the rewards that can be gained for undergoing such hardships. I only hope you also got some kind of medal to reward your selfless endeavours. Reply +11
  • Stoatboy 06/01/2016


    RE: "Don't dare for a second tell me this was a mere accident..."


    It's like the worst written video game of all time. Brilliant. More posts, please. :)
    Reply +8
  • Brilliant Fallout 4 mod shows you exactly what your character will say during dialogue

  • Stoatboy 18/11/2015

    This will have been done by design (there's lots of extra work in maintaining two versions of the text in multiple languages - it would be far easier to just use one).

    I doubt they did it for the sake of dumbing down - It's more likely about ambiguity. If you don't know what your character is going to say, then the choice is a little trickier to make. The stupid thing is, you are your character essentially, so you should bloody well know what you're going to say.

    But this is the kind of stupid trick game designers pull when trying to make games more meaningful, without thinking about the logic behind things. (I say this as a game designer myself, but I'm too shallow to bother with this sort of nonsense, and would rather spend time making more stuff to blow up.)
    Reply +1
  • Downwell review

  • Stoatboy 22/10/2015

    @dean0null Winnable. IIRC there are 4 worlds with 4 levels each. I'm hopeless at it so can only confirm the existence of 1 and a half worlds though. Reply +2
  • PixelJunk Shooter Ultimate is out now on Steam

  • Stoatboy 21/10/2015

    I only played the first one, and it was a nice tech demo, but not a very good shoot-em-up.

    I found it hard to care about it one way or the other. It's not good enough to like, but not bad enough to hate. The fact that the name suggests it's a shoot-em-up, and it's nothing of the sort, tips me toward the negative.

    It's a proper full-on meh, for me. And I wanted to like it. How damning is that?
    Reply -5
  • The truth about cats and dogs (playing video games)

  • Stoatboy 12/10/2015

    "The dog plays with a dog toy - currently a Red Kong Wobbler in the prototype"

    Sounds like a very different type of toy to me...
    Reply +1
  • Minecraft movie is being directed by Rob McElhenney

  • Stoatboy 22/07/2015

    If act 1 isn't building a huge column of mud to show where you'll respawn when you die it'll be a lie. Reply +1
  • Going up? The mindless pleasures of Clicker Heroes

  • Stoatboy 22/05/2015

    Surely Progress Quest is the daddy of these games? And it at least had the courage of its convictions and didn't make you do anything other than roll a character. And you can choose to be a double hobbit lunatic bastard, which is a major plus point.
    Reply +1
  • Video: The best b-movie games in history

  • Stoatboy 18/05/2015

    I really enjoyed Wet too. It was a nailed-on 7-out-of-10, but some of the most fun games often are. Reply +1
  • Actually, Assassin's Creed: Syndicate, I think you'll find…

  • Stoatboy 15/05/2015

    @Markusdragon That's the thing - everyone has their own flavours of pedantry. Want to piss off a sci-fi fan? Tell 'em your favourite film is Aliens 2, or for maximum effect that your favourite character in Star Wars is Doctor Spock.

    Gamers are just as bad as everyone else. Try referring to Samus as a he, or the player's character in Ocarina of Time as Zelda, and you'll soon find out what pedantic twats we can all be.
    Reply +16
  • Gradius 5 downloadable today on PlayStation 3

  • Stoatboy 22/04/2015

    Brilliant game - my fave scrolly shooter. I still have my PS2 under my telly - the only thing it's played in years is this (and the very occasional game of Mad Maestro).

    Needs to head to the Vita though, for sure.
    Reply +3
  • You now have to spend at least $5 to access some Steam features

  • Stoatboy 20/04/2015

    @IronSoldier - it's not sensationalist - it pretty much tells you exactly what the situation is. It might be better if it read "You now have to have spent at least $5 to access some Steam features", but that's a bit clunky for a strapline, and they've got an entire page to explain further.

    Even if it did use my version, would it make any difference to the number of people who read the story? I doubt it very much.
    Reply +3
  • The best PC games

  • Stoatboy 20/04/2015

    I'm not too bothered about the list for the most part, but not including Dwarf Fortress is a glaring omission, IMO. That's the quintessential only-on-PC game, and a masterpiece to boot (if unfinished). If I was only allowed to play one game for the rest of my life it would be an easy choice to make. Reply 0
  • Xenoblade Chronicles 3D digital version requires bigger SD card

  • Stoatboy 23/03/2015

    @jamyskis1981 As someone who has thrown away the boxes for most of their games and all of their CDs in favour of keeping them in disc wallets, can I assure you that some of us do genuinely hate clutter. I could probably fit a medium-sized bear in the space cleared from getting rid of my CD cases alone, and the less of that Xbox green colour I see on a day to day basis the better. Reply -1
  • Video: Most wanted indie games of 2015

  • Stoatboy 20/03/2015

    @arcam I doubt I'd ask what "oss" or "oh-ess" anyone's running. I'd say "operating system" because it's much clearer, but with names like DOS and iOS it's clear enough already IMO. Reply 0
  • Stoatboy 20/03/2015

    Eveyone I know says "OSS" for OS in these cases. No one ever said Dee Oh Ess for DOS (or AmigaDOS if you were one of the truly righteous), so why start saying the letters now? STOS, AMOS, Glados... all osses. Reply 0
  • The day I killed my hero

  • Stoatboy 09/03/2015

    @bigfriendlygamer There's a CVG archive here: Reply +1
  • Video: Games that remember when you die

  • Stoatboy 06/03/2015

    Crusader Kings could do with a mention. You actually have to make your own heirs or it's game over when you pop your clogs.

    Edit: That doesn't half look like "pop your dogs" on my monitor. Ew!
    Reply +2
  • Screamride review

  • Stoatboy 03/03/2015

    @fuglyfugger Ironic. You want a score on a review, but aren't keen on the score your comment is getting. Reply +5
  • Fruit Ninja Kinect 2 for Xbox One in March

  • Stoatboy 27/02/2015

    @Bander I actually really liked Fruit Ninja too. It was surprisingly good, and actually did make you feel like a fruit ninja too (I'm not even sure what a fruit ninja is - but that game made me feel like one anyway). Reply +2
  • Q*Bert Rebooted review

  • Stoatboy 24/02/2015

    @goneski Space Panic predates them both, coming out in 1980.
    Reply 0
  • Defender creator Eugene Jarvis is teaming up with Resogun dev Housemarque

  • Stoatboy 13/02/2015

    @zzkj : I agree. Resogun was OK, but nothing more. It looked amazing, but didn't play all that well IMO. Too many abitrary rules in the scoring system for starters.

    Also all Housemarque's games are too long form. Arcade shooters need to be short, spiteful and snappy. Geommy Wars 1 and 2 knew this (haven't played 3 because it looked like it got this wrong). As much as I love Super Stardust I'd rather it kicked my arse quicker - I spend an awful lot of time playing levels I could finish with my eyes closed when I'd rather be struggling for survival.
    Reply -6
  • Molyneux's broken promise to Curiosity winner honoured by Devolver

  • Stoatboy 13/02/2015

    @spamdangled "gotten" is a word in UK English - we invented it a silly time ago. It's just so old it's passed out of regular usage. Shakespeare used it - he was pretty good at English, apparently.

    We still use it in "ill-gotten" and "misbegotten" though, so it's not gone entirely. Strange we haven't dropped "forgotten" as well, because it's formed the same way.

    I like "gotten". I don't use it because I was taught differently, but I don't object to it, since it's inherently English. The Americans just didn't stop using it, is all.
    Reply +7
  • Rez's perfect 60 minutes

  • Stoatboy 08/02/2015

    Rez! The one word argument for boss fights in video games. Whenever someone says all boss fights are rubbish, 3 little letters say otherwise (admittedly they only say "most boss fights are rubbish, but there are exceptions", but that's not the point). Reply 0
  • Sid Meier's Starships announced for PC, Mac, iPad

  • Stoatboy 19/01/2015

    @Plankton1975 Exactly what I was thinking. Not sure I need that much Joan Baez in my life, but we'll see. Reply +1
  • Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions has pre-order DLC and platform-exclusive levels

  • Stoatboy 20/11/2014

    @Baban_Iesu: My point is that leaderboards work in Super Stardust because everyone's playing the same game.

    But if a subset of players had a few extra levels to score points in they'd automatically have an unfair advantage on the leaderboards.
    Reply +1
  • Stoatboy 20/11/2014

    @Baban_Iesu: I got the impression from the trailer (50 levels and boss fights) that the game would be less like traditional Geommy Wars (single arena, ever-increasing difficulty) and more like Super Stardust (series of ever-tougher levels). In which case additional levels screw the leaderboards.

    I could be wrong though, so maybe not...
    Reply +1
  • Stoatboy 20/11/2014

    How the absolute fuck do extra levels work in a high-score chasing game? Any leaderboard is going to be distorted by the fact that not everyone is playing the same game, surely? Reply +6
  • Oliver Twins return with SkySaga: Infinite Isles

  • Stoatboy 12/11/2014

    @melnificent: At a guess those BGS companies are divisions of Blitz Games Studios (the company had many divisions - each working in different areas - mature games, kid's games etc.) I'm not a lawyer/accountant but I'm guessing they'd have been set-up to protect what could be protected in the aftermath of Blitz filing for bankruptcy - which is what anyone would do in that situation. Once the insolvency was sorted, they'd no longer be needed - is my guess.

    I can tell you for certain that the core of Blitz became Radiant Worlds straight away after Blitz went pop, and that RW was set up to continue work on this game (it had been in development already for a long time at Blitz).

    Also Indiecity had been a division of Blitz for years before it went down, and it really is its own thing (a portal for Indie games), so having a separate company makes sense. The tech behind it is also used for the Raspberry Pi store, so it grew beyond its original remit.
    Reply +5
  • The Internet Arcade lets you play 900 classic games for free in your browser

  • Stoatboy 04/11/2014

    @ghostgate2001: Mad Planets was one of my favourite machines. When it turned up in my local arcade it stood out a mile, mainly by being the noisiest thing in the place by far. I still love the game to this day via Mame, but if I was stupidly rich it would be very high up my shopping list of dedicated cabinets. A thing of beauty. :) Reply 0
  • Spelunky's creator is writing a book about its development

  • Stoatboy 20/10/2014

    @seasidebaz: So when you're making a game in Unity, what do you call that process? And I'm not just talking about "making graphics", I'm talking about designing gameplay systems, coding enemy behaviours, refining algorithms, creating a UI, sound design, tweaking player controls, and the vast amount of under-the-bonnet tinkering that goes from getting a game from idea to playable.

    Because whatever you're calling it, the rest of us call it development.

    Look up "develop" in the dictionary. "To bring out what is latent and potential" is the first entry in the OED (later entries are more suitable but I'll run with this as the first on the list).

    An idea for a game is only potentially a game until you develop it into an actual game.

    Edit: Also - what's so magical about making games in php? Which highly-acclaimed php games should I be looking out for? It's something I've never dabbled with, but if it churns out amazing games with very little effort, clearly I've been a fool...
    Reply +7
  • Stoatboy 20/10/2014

    @seasidebaz: None whatsoever. He just told GameMaker that he wanted to make perhaps the best game ever, and it did it for him. I'm surprised more people haven't done it really, seeing as GameMaker magically develops great games, apparently.

    Belt the fuck up!

    GameMaker is a tool that facilitates making games, but doesn't actually - you know - make them. That still requires hard work, vision and artistry to do even a mediocre job. To make one of the best games ever in it is exceptional.

    I've been making games for over 30 of my 40-something years on the planet. I've used Basic, and Amos, and C++, and XNA, and Unity in my spare time, and a fair few different engines in 20 years as an industry professional.

    GameMaker is as valid a tool as XNA, or Unreal, or Unity.

    It doesn't matter how much power the tool gives you, or how simple it makes it - you still have to get a bloody good game out of it, and that's the bit that most people fail at. GameMaker lowers the barrier to entry, but once you've entered you still have to actually do a really good job.
    Reply +14
  • Console wars, compact discs and Whigfield: Remembering Vib-Ribbon

  • Stoatboy 12/10/2014

    I loved Vib Ribbon. It was really hard to predict what songs would make good levels though. I threw all my heaviest metal at it, and lots of it made really benign levels. Then on a whim I gave it R.E.M.s "Falls To Climb" and it went batshit insane at me - IIRC most obstacles were double-button presses and the level was wrapped around a spiral length-wise so it was utter chaos which I found pretty much unplayable. The most brutal level I ever found, and from such a placid song.

    Reply +1
  • Steam Curators must now disclose paid-for recommendations

  • Stoatboy 03/10/2014

    Allowing devs to choose the curators listed on their page is necessary due to the power of the internet to empower idiots. Any twat with a grudge can curate and say a game is shit and gave them aids (even if they haven't played it), so to force the developer to display that nonsense is not actually in anyone's interest (other than the twat with a grudge). Reply 0
  • Jason Rohrer's next game requires you to play for real money

  • Stoatboy 30/09/2014

    @aros - Disgusting? Wow - what are you? Amish?

    a) he's not saying it isn't gambling, he's saying it isn't luck-based. There's a big difference. And I'll trust the inventor of the game over some random bloke on the internet as to how true that is until I find out more. It sounds like the only deciding factor in the game are the decisions the players make, so providing they have enough information to work with then it could well be a game of skill.

    b) In the UK our second highest league of football is sponsored by a bookmaker - as are many many other sporting competitions, and other events. Many tv programs are also sponsored by bookmakers. Lottery tickets and scratchcards are available to buy in a huge number of shops (many of which provide funding for charities and other causes), and there are lots of adverts on telly for bingo and bookmakers and online casinos. Good luck getting that made illegal.
    Reply +3
  • Bungie nerfs Destiny's magical loot farming Treasure Cave

  • Stoatboy 25/09/2014

    Not played Destiny so know little about it, but this vid made me laugh:

    Reply +6
  • FIFA 15 bug turns fancy sim into playground football

  • Stoatboy 24/09/2014

    I remember games of about 25-a-side in the park when I were a lad. 48 strikers and two goalkeepers. Football at its finest. Reply +26
  • Digital Foundry: Hands-on with the Forza Horizon 2 demo

  • Stoatboy 18/09/2014

    @chucklepie: The games industry works with holiday season. Games have to try and ship first and foremost for Thanksgiving. That's the most important target. Christmas is secondary, but if you miss Thanksgiving it's a consolation.

    Calling it Christmas is therefore incorrect.
    Reply +1
  • How video games are helping to build a new generation

  • Stoatboy 14/09/2014

    @bobdebob: So are you saying that games are going to play absolutely no part whatsoever in kids changing the way things work? Because the article only suggests they'll play a part.

    Why not fuck off yourself until you have something useful or interesting to say?
    Reply +1
  • Teens react to the NES

  • Stoatboy 08/09/2014

    I'm old enough to be extremely resentful of teenagers due to their youth, good looks, and boundless potential in an exciting future where I'm becoming ever less relevant, but I thought they were OK.

    However I'm determined to be a grumpy old bastard when I reach my 60s, so maybe I should put more effort in at this stage. I fought in the C64 vs Spectrum war for you, you ungrateful little gits. Get off my webpage.
    Reply +10
  • The Sims 4 pirated copies include censoring "glitch"

  • Stoatboy 05/09/2014

    @VideoGameAddict25: It's copyright infringement, not stealing.

    It's still wrong, but by law it is absolutely not stealing. Get that right or you are forever muddying the waters and eroding your own point.

    I speak as someone who is about to release my first indie game - almost certainly without DRM because I hate it - and the thing I'm worried about is copyright infringement. Not theft or stealing, because the only way you can steal my game is to remove the assets and code from my computer (or steal the hard drive).

    If you accuse someone of a crime you'd better accuse them of the actual crime they are guilty of, because otherwise they can legitimately deny it, and any traction you had in the argument is pretty much gone.
    Reply +10
  • Playing Moby-Dick - the card game?

  • Stoatboy 31/08/2014

    Moby Dick's a brilliant book. My favourite bit - it's so right because it's so very wrong:

    BOOK III. (DUODECIMO), CHAPTER 1. (HUZZA PORPOISE).—This is the common porpoise found almost all over the globe. The name is of my own bestowal; for there are more than one sort of porpoises, and something must be done to distinguish them. I call him thus, because he always swims in hilarious shoals, which upon the broad sea keep tossing themselves to heaven like caps in a Fourth-of-July crowd. Their appearance is generally hailed with delight by the mariner. Full of fine spirits, they invariably come from the breezy billows to windward. They are the lads that always live before the wind. They are accounted a lucky omen. If you yourself can withstand three cheers at beholding these vivacious fish, then heaven help ye; the spirit of godly gamesomeness is not in ye. A well-fed, plump Huzza Porpoise will yield you one good gallon of good oil.
    Reply +6
  • Dishwasher and Charlie Murder dev reveals PlayStation-exclusive Salt and Sanctuary

  • Stoatboy 28/08/2014

    @zide: You should probably ignore them then, you daft twat. I don't like horror games so I don't play them or read articles about them. I find not playing or reading about horror games means I don't tend to get sick of horror games.

    (I also don't watch films from genres I don't like, don't listen to music I don't like and don't tend to eat food I'm not keen on either.)

    I could post that "I'm getting really sick of all these horror games" in the next story about a horror game that turns up, but that would be the action of a total fuck-wit, because the people making the horror game will be making it for people who like horror games, and therefore my opinion would be absolutely worthless, and also make me look like a spoilt, petulant child, upset because all the toys aren't made for me.
    Reply +7
  • Oakland, California lifts its 80-year pinball ban

  • Stoatboy 23/08/2014

    @Rrralphster: A horse race doesn't pay out either. People just bet on the outcome of the race.

    With an early pinball table I'd guess people would bet on whether the ball went through a scoring lane or not.
    Reply +5
  • Xbox boss Phil Spencer makes case for Tomb Raider exclusivity deal

  • Stoatboy 18/08/2014

    I'm trying to work out how many things are wrong with the anatomy of Lara in the picture with the bow in the snow.

    That left leg bothers me. The thigh is too long, and her left foot has to be stuck in a rabbit hole - there's nowhere else for it to be. I'd also guess it's not giving her anywhere near enough support given the position of her right leg. Even if she plants that now, she'll just plop down sideways on to her right thigh.

    The way she's holding her bow seems really awkward - it's at an odd angle to avoid her legs. The left arm is possibly locked out, but has a weird kink in it, and seems to come across her body far too much. The right arm seems to have withered away a fair bit, and that's despite seemingly having eaten her own right shoulder.
    Reply +4
  • Grappling is one of the oldest sports in the world - so why can't video games do it properly?

  • Stoatboy 10/08/2014

    I like the fact that this article sits alongside one called "Why can't games do sex?"

    And answers that question better than the original article.
    Reply +40
  • Twitch vows: we won't bring audio recognition to live streams

  • Stoatboy 08/08/2014

    This is the second story that's been all VOD this and VOD that, and I haven't the first clue what that means. Could you at least include the definition once so that old folk and the incredibly uncool can know what on Earth you're talking about please? Otherwise we'll end up having to guess.

    I'm hoping it's Vertical Otter Display.

    That or Vaginal Onanism Diatribe.
    Reply +14
  • Unsubscribe?

  • Stoatboy 02/08/2014

    If Ubisoft and Activision follow suit it's just another set of subscriptions that no-one is forcing you to pay for. It's a choice - you can still pay forty quid a pop for new releases individually if you want. Or wait for price drops/second-hand.

    This looks like an attempt to try to get some cash from the second-hand market to me - the people who don't care about having things shortly after release. If you subscribe to this you haven't got physical copies of EA games to trade-in (so there's fewer copies on sale), and you obviously don't need to buy them yourself (which wouldn't earn EA a penny).
    Reply 0