Random rants that don't warrant their own threads Page 431

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  • Stickman 14 Feb 2018 15:29:47 29,726 posts
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    It’ll show her you hold the power here. Man, she’d better put out, or else...
  • Help_me 14 Feb 2018 15:30:16 984 posts
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    phAge wrote:
    If there is one thing I've, ahem, observed it's that no women, absolutely none, find jokes about smelly minges amusing in the least. You should try a few of those to cool things down. Ideally while other female coworkers are around.
    Superb! Had me laughing out loud at my desk. Luckily no one asked why!
  • SolidSCB 14 Feb 2018 15:31:34 10,064 posts
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    Roses are red
    Churches are prayed in
    I'll caress your lilly pad
    My fair maiden

    : )
  • LittleSparra 14 Feb 2018 15:31:56 7,729 posts
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    I am sure there is at least one woman in the world who'd find such jokes a swift way to her heart, via a secret, awful fetish...
  • DukeSilver 14 Feb 2018 15:36:12 2,862 posts
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    When you kissed me I ran a mile
    But you know you always make me smile
    I want to take you to the Ritz
    So I can jizz on your tits
    Because I haven't had sex for a while
  • JamboWayOh 14 Feb 2018 15:39:11 5,337 posts
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    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    BU-KAKKE!!!
  • Khanivor 14 Feb 2018 15:46:44 43,550 posts
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    phAge wrote:
    If there is one thing I've, ahem, observed it's that no women, absolutely none, find jokes about smelly minges amusing in the least. You should try a few of those to cool things down. Ideally while other female coworkers are around.
    This phAge fellow always so well plugged in?

    Edited by Khanivor at 15:46:59 14-02-2018
  • DrStrangelove 14 Feb 2018 16:33:06 12,019 posts
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    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I wrapped my sausage
    In bacon for you

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 16:57:15 14-02-2018
  • FuzzyDucky 14 Feb 2018 19:49:22 2,974 posts
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    I was out on the town at my local after a bad break up in my mid-20s. I was in bits, out with a mate to drown me sorrows when one of the girls there that always seemed to be into me with waltzes over sits on my lap and says "sorry to hear about your break up, if you come back to mine I can help you forget about her".

    Told her thanks but no thank several times (in retrospect I should've smashed her brains out as all she wanted was sex anyway), but she was persistent. When I realised she wasn't taking no for an answer, I proclaimed I had a yeast infections and that's why I am single.

    She left me well alone, worked a treat! (And left me well alone for ever more)
  • AceGrace 14 Feb 2018 21:02:21 3,177 posts
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    phAge wrote:
    you find yourself seeing clearly again, alone in your damp apartment in Hammersmith with a threepack of Stella and a copy of Razzle for company.
    Am I the only one who can't see a downside to this. Sounds like an ideal night in for me.
  • Salaman 15 Feb 2018 12:43:59 22,961 posts
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    AceGrace wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    you find yourself seeing clearly again, alone in your damp apartment in Hammersmith with a threepack of Stella and a copy of Razzle for company.
    Am I the only one who can't see a downside to this. Sounds like an ideal night in for me.
    Yes you are. Should be a six pack!
  • X201 15 Feb 2018 12:52:26 18,350 posts
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    Whatever floats your boat.

  • DukeSilver 15 Feb 2018 12:53:35 2,862 posts
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  • mrpon 15 Feb 2018 12:57:10 34,097 posts
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    AceGrace wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    you find yourself seeing clearly again, alone in your damp apartment in Hammersmith with a threepack of Stella, a broom and Razz for company.
    Am I the only one who can't see a downside to this. Sounds like an ideal night in for me.
    o_O
  • thelzdking 15 Feb 2018 14:36:42 6,922 posts
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    The woman at the next desk seriously needs to shut the fuck up. I don't need a minute-by-minute account of your daughter's journey home from uni, I don't care that you're doing Couch to 5k, I couldn't give a fuck about the difficulty you're having stabling your horses and I definitely do not need a ten-fucking-minute report on de-fleaing your cat.

    ARRRHHHDJJFIIFIFJFJFFJFOSOLWEK
  • quadfather 15 Feb 2018 14:37:54 30,411 posts
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    I think we should all go for a pint.
  • challenge_hanukkah 15 Feb 2018 14:47:47 5,787 posts
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    thelzdking wrote:
    The woman at the next desk seriously needs to shut the fuck up. I don't need a minute-by-minute account of your daughter's journey home from uni, I don't care that you're doing Couch to 5k, I couldn't give a fuck about the difficulty you're having stabling your horses and I definitely do not need a ten-fucking-minute report on de-fleaing your cat.

    ARRRHHHDJJFIIFIFJFJFFJFOSOLWEK
    There's a woman where I work that recounts the same story exactly the same way to every person that happens along in the office.

    I've heard about how she'll only eat sausages from a proper butcher 5 times now.

    I'm thinking of throwing an onion at her.
  • DrStrangelove 15 Feb 2018 14:56:45 12,019 posts
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    quadfather wrote:
    I think we should all go for a pint.
    With live music from Stefansen

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 14:57:02 15-02-2018
  • DrStrangelove 15 Feb 2018 14:58:02 12,019 posts
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    challenge_hanukkah wrote:
    I've heard about how she'll only eat sausages from a proper butcher 5 times now.
    Is that her pick up line?
  • thelzdking 15 Feb 2018 15:11:46 6,922 posts
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    challenge_hanukkah wrote:
    thelzdking wrote:
    The woman at the next desk seriously needs to shut the fuck up. I don't need a minute-by-minute account of your daughter's journey home from uni, I don't care that you're doing Couch to 5k, I couldn't give a fuck about the difficulty you're having stabling your horses and I definitely do not need a ten-fucking-minute report on de-fleaing your cat.

    ARRRHHHDJJFIIFIFJFJFFJFOSOLWEK
    There's a woman where I work that recounts the same story exactly the same way to every person that happens along in the office.

    I've heard about how she'll only eat sausages from a proper butcher 5 times now.

    I'm thinking of throwing an onion at her.
    Yep, she does that as well. She'll repeat the same stories to me again and again too. Most of her conversations are about travel times to and from Lincoln, Sleaford, Nottingham. She needs.to stop wittering or I'll end up on the news.

    By the way her daughter's home now after a thirty minute walk from the train station and she's covered in cat hair from the sofa!

    GRRRRRAAAAAAAAGHJKKLPXPCPDP
  • JamboWayOh 15 Feb 2018 15:32:02 5,337 posts
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    Can we organise a trip to Quaddy's local. I want to meet the genetic mistakes masquerading as people.
  • DrStrangelove 15 Feb 2018 15:35:04 12,019 posts
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    @JamboWayOh

    So desperate?
  • JamboWayOh 15 Feb 2018 15:37:11 5,337 posts
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    @DrStrangelove

    Eh?
  • challenge_hanukkah 15 Feb 2018 15:50:10 5,787 posts
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    He's wondering if you and Quaddy are gonna fuck.
  • DrStrangelove 15 Feb 2018 15:51:18 12,019 posts
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    Let's just say I'm bad at making bad jokes
  • JamboWayOh 15 Feb 2018 15:51:42 5,337 posts
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    Only if he asks and buys me a bottle of Blue Nun.
  • Jono62 15 Feb 2018 16:20:51 19,063 posts
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    What about a bottle of Black Tower and some pork scratchings?
  • LegendaryApe 15 Feb 2018 16:22:46 1,618 posts
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    @Jono62

    I think Jambo will be providing the Black Tower :)
  • quadfather 15 Feb 2018 16:23:00 30,411 posts
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    I go to a meeting and miss everything
  • Salaman 15 Feb 2018 16:23:59 22,961 posts
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    Has GoatApocalypse done the deed yet!? We're slowly starting to get rants and stuff in this thread again. I liked the talk of adultery better. It had higher entertainment value.
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