Depression Page 219

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  • JiveHound 20 Dec 2017 23:50:29 9,123 posts
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    Post deleted
  • askew 21 Dec 2017 00:06:05 15,835 posts
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    Merry Christmas jive ;)
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 00:08:18 9,123 posts
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    Heh, and you. /don'tknowwhattherollyhatmanemoteis
  • mrharvest 21 Dec 2017 10:09:39 5,454 posts
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    I've finally got some new medication. Changed from Fluoxetine to Venlafaxine. It's reduced the shaking but it's inducing pretty bad anxiety. Like, I haven't slept a full night since I started taking it.

    I got some anti-anxiety medication to go with it, Oxazepam. If I take 15mg, it does barely anything, but my doctor was firmly of the opinion that I should try to avoid taking two a day regularly. This is tough. I feel like I'm locked in an iron maiden, getting impaled if I relax even for a short moment. Hopefully getting some psychotherapy in a month or two. :|
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 12:23:31 9,123 posts
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    Would mirtazapine help with the lack of sleep? I've been prescribed 15mg.

    Apparently 30g has the opposite effect weirdly.
  • DrStrangelove 21 Dec 2017 17:03:44 11,652 posts
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    So after going from clinical depression to bipolar 2 disorder to emotional instability disorder, my diagnosis currently seems to go back to clinical depression. I think I don't pay too much attention to diagnoses anymore. I may have traits of each, but the main point is that for any treatment there needs to be some diagnosis.

    During the med chaos this year I learned two things. First, I can't live without meds. Among other problems (concentration etc.), it's mostly the crippling anxiety that prevents me from living any life worth that name. Even small doses of the meds that work fix that. I was wondering if it was just having become dependent on the meds after many years of taking them, but then I recalled that I was in the exact same state for years a long time ago before taking any. So my partial reservations against them have lessened.

    Secondly, I've become more cautious about them at the same time. I had a medication that seemed to work pretty well, I was relatively happy and performed well. I accomplished quite a few things in the last years with the meds, more than ever before. But the turbulences this year made me aware that beneath the surface I lost contact to myself and others. I cared too little about my underlying problems because I was in a state where I hardly felt them on a conscious level and it was easier to just ignore them. Subconsciously, a lot of shit built up but I didn't really feel it, to some extent I was able to ignore it.

    I learned to think my problems with relating to myself and others were part of me, but now it very much seems that the too high dose of the meds played a great role in that.

    I think I'm much more aware of all this now, so in a way it was good it happened. The med itself is great and helps a lot, but now I'm determined to keep it at a much lower level. Enough to treat the crippling stuff, but not more than that. If I feel bad, maybe horrible sometimes, I think that has its place as long as it doesn't go overboard. I need to do something about it, not take pills to feel happier. Some amount of pain is necessary, and better than not feeling it, letting it eat me up inside without me really noticing.

    I also drink less. I remember that one of the main reasons of my drinking was to feel myself, including the pain. In a way, to "fix" what the high medication did. This seems unnecessary now.

    It also made me talk too much rubbish. Whenever I said something stupid here, it was entirely the meds' fault. Only the smart stuff was me.

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 17:10:20 21-12-2017
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 17:30:48 9,123 posts
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    I feel you, I'm currently getting assessed for bipolar. I think I'm likely type 2 but it's a long road. One of my friends has just been diagnosed as type 1 after 10 years and another friend who was bipolar committed suicide 4 years ago yesterday.

    At the very least I gave crippling anxiety which has resulted in bladder neck disinertia (basically it's a nervous bladder).

    All I can do is continue with the doctor's appointments and muddle through. I hope you manage to keep yourself as even as you can. It's a terrible blight to live with. For me being recently single I don't know if I want to get into a situation where I expose my crazy to a significant other.

    It can be an incredibly isolating affliction.
  • DrStrangelove 21 Dec 2017 17:50:12 11,652 posts
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    Thank you. I'm really sorry for your loss. Are you ok?
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 18:16:26 9,123 posts
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    Thanks, to be honest not really. She stuck by me and my issues for years and ironically the year I try to get the ball properly rolling she gives up on me. :(

    It's for the best but it really did a number on me. I'm still dealing with my mental fallout.

    Hoping for a better 2018. Take care.
  • LittleSparra 21 Dec 2017 18:18:05 7,369 posts
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    Sorry to hear of your troubles Jive. Obvs just words but keep on keeping on.
  • DrStrangelove 21 Dec 2017 18:34:40 11,652 posts
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    @JiveHound

    Wish I could say something helpful but I'm not sure I can. Other than that I hope she found her peace.

    Yes, let's hope for a better 2018.
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 18:40:27 9,123 posts
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    Thanks Red, sorry for going on a bit. I'm just a bit broken at the moment. I haven't played much xbox with you guys for that reason.

    I'll be okay, 2018 is my year to pull my shorts up.
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 18:41:24 9,123 posts
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    @DrStrangelove True, being with me was extremely trying and she gave it her best for years. I wish I had done something sooner but c'est la vie.
  • DrStrangelove 21 Dec 2017 18:43:23 11,652 posts
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    @JiveHound

    It sounds like you're blaming yourself for it
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 18:53:16 9,123 posts
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    DrStrangelove wrote:
    @JiveHound

    It sounds like you're blaming yourself for it
    It's not all me but I do feel incredibly responsible for what I put her through but I didn't really know what my deal was or whether I was just making excuses for my behaviour patterns.

    I don't hold any grudges or malice towards her and but I fear she does me. I don't know why it matters but my sense of self worth has taken relentless battering due to my on going grief and subsequent behaviour.

    I've harrassed her, bargained with her, said some utterly heinous things, got intensely paranoid. I feel like I'm going through the grieving process but magnified tenfold by whatever my brain does. I have totally abandoned any sense of dignity.

    I'm getting help, I now have to learn to be okay by myself and actually stay a course without bailing so readily.
  • LittleSparra 21 Dec 2017 19:00:17 7,369 posts
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    JiveHound wrote:
    Thanks Red, sorry for going on a bit. I'm just a bit broken at the moment. I haven't played much xbox with you guys for that reason.

    I'll be okay, 2018 is my year to pull my shorts up.
    No worries of course. Having been minor broken a long time ago I think I know those woods, even as I never went that far in.

    As ever, if you want to talk shite hit me up on Live.
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 19:05:41 9,123 posts
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    Thanks buddy, appreciated. After the madness (xmas and my own) settles down and I find somewhere semi permanent to live I'll get a bit more involved in online bants.
  • devil_badger 21 Dec 2017 21:49:23 797 posts
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    @JiveHound Hope you're OK bud. Still remember last summer when I was going through a breakup right before we were meant to get married. It helped loads playing with the Dick Stronghard lot on Overwatch. When you're feeling up to it would be good to have some games again!
  • JiveHound 21 Dec 2017 22:47:21 9,123 posts
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    @devil_badger Absolutely mate, solidarity!
  • RandolphCarter 31 Dec 2017 13:50:48 120 posts
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    This is quite difficult to admit, but I think I suffer from quite severe depression at stages. Today, I feel zero desire to do anything. I feel aggressive and irritable, the slightest things set me off to the point I want to hurt myself.

    I have pushed my family away, and they are entirely blameless. I have been ill and busy over the Xmas period - I am quite heavily into fitness and I have had to neglect it due to other priorities. Today I have time to do weights yet feel nothing but self-loathing. I just want to lay down all day and stare at the wall.

    Like, I need to go to the shops in a moment but the thought of even getting up fills me with despair.

    It's truly foolish to feel this way - I have everything in life that I need - and more.

    I guess I crave isolation, no technology - just myself and solitude. It's not feasible, I have commitments (young children)

    To those who go to the Dr with depression, what is the assessment like? Those on medication, do you find it helps?

    Medication worries me, I see it as a palliative treatment to a deeper problem.

    I hate being like this, it feels so selfish - yet I feel like I cannot escape from it. It's a vicious cycle that just makes me angry and irritable.

    Thank you for reading.
  • drhcnip 31 Dec 2017 14:03:53 5,506 posts
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    @RandolphCarter

    the last thing it is is foolish, pal - depression, like cancer, doesn't discriminate...i had what, to everyone, would have looked like a pretty good life but i kept pushing away my issues for years until i imploded...see it as the first step on what is, to be honest, a long road to recovery...

    the initial doc's consultation, from my experience, was fairly painless and just investigated initial possible causes - family life, financial concerns, work etc but you'll more than likely be put on a waiting list for counselling, which may be 1:1 or group depending on the counselling assessment, which you may have to wait a while for...

    from my experience, i was told to go and think about whether meds were right for me and then had a phone consultation soon after where i decided they were necessary..then started on a low dose and built up until i found a level that worked - the thing about the meds is that they help you reach an even keel again to start to deal with the issues you're facing which, from the sounds of it, you're not in at the moment..in that respect, yes, it's a route to dealing with the more serious root...

    i was in a lucky position - my wife's an experienced counsellor and the theory basically was - if you've got an infection, you take antibiotics, if you break your leg, you take painkillers and wear a cast...why should the mind be any different?

    anyway, enough rambling, in your position, which i pretty much was, i'd get to the gp and get the ball rolling...there's stuff you can be doing while you wait for the counselling assessment following that and i'm happy to answer any questions as others will be on here - i found good support in here at the time...we can't diagnose or give medical advice, obviously, but we're a fairly good support group and i can get any answers relating to counselling as well....;)

    all the best with it, pal
  • RandolphCarter 31 Dec 2017 14:16:49 120 posts
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    If I were to take meds, what effects can I expect to experience? Do they simply restore a psychological equilibrium, or is it more like a feeling of general positivity?
  • drhcnip 31 Dec 2017 14:23:03 5,506 posts
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    i can only answer from my perspective - they levelled me out which allowed me to deal with things rather than act as an 'upper'...your doc would decide which is best for your position...i suppose i could say mine removed the extreme downtimes and irrational hyper-emotional responses to things, helped me gain some perspective and start to rationalise rather than ruminate...

    interesting side effects as well - my 'favourite' was the restless leg syndrome it gave me..i also ended up on sleeping tablets as well...

    as i say, i would suggest making an appt as soon as poss and have the discussion over meds with them, raising your questions and concerns...
  • Tomo 31 Dec 2017 15:19:00 15,679 posts
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    @RandolphCarter

    Sounds very similar to my girlfriend's symptoms. She had a bad day yesterday and this is basically what happened to her: stayed in bed for ages, even by her standards, fell asleep in the living room about an hour after getting up, was very easily upset when I asked about a few household things. And, then she apologised for "always being miserable", etc., basically beating herself up.

    She's also been trying to wean herself of her medication, but she thinks she noticed the difference yesterday. She might've weaned herself off too quickly.

    Basically: her GP gave her a certain dose, then put her up a level, and she says it helps a lot. I don't really understand how exactly, but I get the impression it takes the edge of various anxious feelings etc. I don't personally notice the effect much in her outward behaviour, but she says it does help, so that's something. She also did CBT for 12 weeks or so, which she was referred to by her GP I think and that taught her a bunch of coping strategies.

    She's far from "cured", but sounds like it's helped a lot.

    This is probably a bit further down the rabbit hole than your post suggests, but I would say meds are a good thing, definitely.
  • Tomo 31 Dec 2017 15:21:51 15,679 posts
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    And good luck! It's bloody difficult, but it's a pothole and you'll keep on truckin' :)
  • Addy_B 31 Dec 2017 15:24:00 2,478 posts
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    Yep I'm having an ongoing issue with anxiety and stress. I'm not 100% sure the meds are working this time though. Although i don't think I'm getting worse. Just good and bad days. Still trying to get a handle on things.
  • KD 31 Dec 2017 15:27:21 1,841 posts
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    drhcnip wrote:
    my 'favourite' was the restless leg syndrome it gave me..
    I am now having flashbacks of a few years with that, while on a few things and ended up with 15mg of mirtazapine and finally dont get it anymore.

    I did the fake persona for xmas day and tried to be cheerful, thank fuck thats over for another year. Even with meds and being able to go out socially I find the family too much since I been single turning up.
  • RandolphCarter 31 Dec 2017 18:21:11 120 posts
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    Thanks for the replies, folks. I feel better again. It's like my moods/emotions are often at extremes. Right now I feel quite good, tomorrow I may feel very low and then later good again. It's bizarre.

    I wish you folks a very happy New Year. Time to have a beer.
  • DrStrangelove 3 Jan 2018 17:31:03 11,652 posts
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    RandolphCarter wrote:
    This is quite difficult to admit, but I think I suffer from quite severe depression at stages. Today, I feel zero desire to do anything. I feel aggressive and irritable, the slightest things set me off to the point I want to hurt myself.

    I have pushed my family away, and they are entirely blameless. I have been ill and busy over the Xmas period - I am quite heavily into fitness and I have had to neglect it due to other priorities. Today I have time to do weights yet feel nothing but self-loathing. I just want to lay down all day and stare at the wall.

    Like, I need to go to the shops in a moment but the thought of even getting up fills me with despair.

    It's truly foolish to feel this way - I have everything in life that I need - and more.

    I guess I crave isolation, no technology - just myself and solitude. It's not feasible, I have commitments (young children)

    To those who go to the Dr with depression, what is the assessment like? Those on medication, do you find it helps?

    Medication worries me, I see it as a palliative treatment to a deeper problem.

    I hate being like this, it feels so selfish - yet I feel like I cannot escape from it. It's a vicious cycle that just makes me angry and irritable.

    Thank you for reading.
    Relatively late, others have already gave replies which are imo really helpful, but I wanted to share my thoughts too.

    First of all, what you describe sounds a lot like depression to me, but I really don't want to diagnose anyone over the internet, A) because I don't have the qualification to do such diagnoses in general, and B) because people are quick to tell each other all sorts of shit over the internet without having a clear understanding of what's going on. I believe you should definitely see a doctor, rather than listening to what some guy on the internet tells you.

    Then, you mentioned it's difficult to admit, and that's very natural. Most of the people in this thread know that probably. But it's braver to admit it than to hide it. I'm afraid that sounds like some motivational phrase, but it's true. Mental illness is not to be trifled with, and you shouldn't be more ashamed/whatever of it than about a body illness. It can hit anyone, and it can break anyone.

    As for meds, my opinion is just my opinion and experience and not some higher truth or something, but I want to share it. If you think meds solve your problem, it probably is palliative. I don't think they do that.

    I think therapy and activity and social interaction etc. are the greatest part of the healing process. However if you suffer from crippling anxiety or similar things, meds may be what allows you to do that in the first place.

    For example, this year I went through a very unpleasant sudden med abstinence, and among other things, crippling anxiety returned. I dreaded leaving the house, for shopping, friends, anything. In that state, it would have been near-impossible to engage in recovery measures. Now I get meds again, that changed a lot, most of the anxiety is gone and I can fully engage in therapy programs.

    I like to compare it to some very painful recovery program after some prolonged injury. Painkillers may not heal you, but they may enable you to do what's necessary for recovery. And if there's a 200 kg rock on your back, making it lighter may help you do something about it and get rid of that stony cunt.

    One problem with meds is that in most cases it's poorly understood how they actually work, what they actually do. To make matters more complicated, people react differently to the same meds. It's possible that the first medication you try won't have the desired effect and that you need to try something else. I don't want to dishearten you or anything, but encourage you to keep on trying. Sadly there's some trial and error involved, but don't give up if it doesn't work instantly. Trust me, finding something that works is very worth it. It may very well be (even likely) that the first med helps you, but there's always a chance it doesn't, and in that case try to be open for trying something else. Also, don't think taking a pill will instantly make you feel better. It can take days or even weeks. Try to be patient.

    And about feeling selfish... it's not. Again, I think most here know those feelings of self-reproach (and actually, they're a very common, central symptom of depression). I think it's dangerous to measure your thoughts/feelings/behaviour by the standards of a healthy/happy person that others are (or seem to be) or that you were in healthier times. Again, mental illnesses are actual illnesses that can crush, incapacitate anyone. It may well be that you're in a state that makes it near-impossible to hold up your standards, but that's not necessarily (and I believe, unlikely) your fault. If you're a football player and your leg's broken, it's hardly selfish not to play.

    So my recommendations are: see a doctor, try to be open to suggestions, don't dismiss meds too quickly even in the case they don't help you instantly, and if you get the chance to do therapy, take it. It can be difficult to not give up, but try to not give up.

    Hope this helps.

    Edited by DrStrangelove at 18:39:41 03-01-2018
  • RandolphCarter 7 Jan 2018 09:34:16 120 posts
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    @DrStrangelove Thank you for the reply. It's weird: for me it tends to be sporadic. It hits hard and consumes me, but then fades away and I'll be fine for a few days. Then it will resurface at random and I'll be under a pitch black cloud for hours, or even days.

    It peaks and troughs regularly. Right now I feel great and full of energy, whereas yesterday I felt awful for no reason.

    One of the main reasons I find it difficult to speak to a doctor about is that unless I am being afflicted by it at that precise moment then I will tend to downplay it.

    It's random and sporadic as opposed to all-encompassing. Christ, if it afflicted me 24/7 then it would probably drive me to some form of self-destruction.

    As it stands, from today's perspective I feel perfectly fine - yet I know that later, or tomorrow or at some other point I will feel bleak. It's a strange thing.
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