Right, this is going to sound a bit cliche, but:|
I have a friend (its not me, honest), who has been depressed for probably about 9 years. We are old school friends, but he is the only one left in our home town, so I dont see him too often, but we text all the time and chat on msn etc.
His depression/anxiety seems to be getting worse, he lives on his own, doesnt have a job and never goes out or socialises. He seems to be incredibly bitter and delusional about the world, he basically hates everything.
He frequently texts me about how he'd rather be dead than live in this shitty world much longer etc, and often if I try and get him to talk about it he'll just ignore me or tell me to get lost.
He has been to the doctor a fair amount, but I dont know if he ever perseveres with the drugs or advice. To be honest I'm not sure he really believes he has a problem.
He smokes a shit load of weed, its basically all he spends his dole money one.
I've tried to offer him advice from time to time - go back to the dr, stop smoking weed, go out and get exercise, eat healthier, talk to people, get a job. But he refuses to accept any of it.
His parents arent bothered seemingly, and I just dont know what to do, I want him to be happy, but also dont want to patronise him.
Any advice? I'm borderline staging an intervention.
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What you thinking? If he already been to doctors loads and you no longer local what can you do?
He lonely etc, you can't help that.
Innes 119 posts
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First off your'e a great friend, wish I had one of you.
Secondly, he sounds like a complete waste of space. Dole money on weed, people like him piss me off. Apart from exercise and counseling he sounds like he needs a kick up the arse to get his life in order.
Not talking to people he probably has social anxiety.
Unfortunately if he doesn't want to change there is nothing you can do. Seeing as I'm only guessing that he has social anxiety, an intervention plays into his biggest fears and would probably embarrass him and make him cut you off. I am of course only speculating.
Tough one for sure but don't feel guilty.
Sounds about right. It's just so frustrating seeing him like this, we told his parents a while ago that he had a problem, but they just dont get it.
I think as you say, the problem is he just doesnt want to change, he's stuck.
CosmicFuzz 29,529 posts
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revan8 wrote:Good post
Very interesting thread, nice to see everyone being so compassionate for a change.
Society seems to be so focused on money and looks etc that a lot of people expect so much more out of life and themselves, they compare their lives to what they see on mtv. 95% of people lead dull lives compared to what's on tv. Need to be more realistic with life and try find inner peace, start with accepting yourself then things around you can improve and not the other way round.
I am still trying to accomplish this, not easy.
Khanivor 42,035 posts
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@HarryPalmer - if the only person who gives a fuck is you then you will be the one who has to make something happen. Your friend is unlucky his folks don't give a shite but fortunate not everyone sees it as something to be ignored.
Yanking him out of his environment might help. Away from the weed, away from the same old house and same old streets. Sitting down with his parents and being very stern and clear about what you think the issues are and that they need ot be aware of them. they might be in denial too, which could come across as not giving a shit.
Try what you can but if he refuses to take on any help he gets offered then you might just have to accept his doom is his choice. Be around to pick up pieces and put him back on the feet, (if you can handle this or even think you should).
At the end of the day there seems little you can do to help people who don't want to be helped.
@HarryPalmer This certainly rings some bells with me. One thing I would say is he won't change while he's smoking the weed, at least in that quantity. Sometimes people just don't want to take advice they don't like to hear. It may need an intervention type thing to shock him out of the rut he's in. Also maybe talk about how he's getting older, nearly 30 (or whatever). The thought of having a crap life for the rest of your life may just bump you into action.
Other than that your a good friend to care. Don't feel too bad if you can't seem to change anything, being there is still important too.
If you 'intervene' he will get pissed off and you'll never see him again. 100%.
He clearly (from what you say) doesn't want fixing.
@Apostle Cheers, hopefully I'll see him this weekend so I can try and talk to him. I've offered for him to come and stay with me for a bit, I think just being around people would help, but he's a stubborn bastard.
Other than intervening I don't see much else he can do, despite moving back to town and devoting his life to 'fixing' him. I agree he seems like he's quite happy to be where he is, doing what he's doing at the moment.
That's nice of you to other him to stay with you. I'm not surprised if he resists that. If he's as out of practice socialising as you say, it would be quite a scary thing, even with friends. Maybe a day out somewhere would be better, something he's interested in? Then maybe 'bump into' some of your other friends there. Be careful though as obviously that could backfire.
Edited by Apostle at 09:43:50 22-08-2012
Salaman 20,765 posts
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I was just going to suggest that if you're not local, inviting him up to your place for the weekend might break him out of his current depressing routine. Bonus if you somehow force him to lay off the weed whilst he's at yours. With a bit of luck, come Sunday night, he'll realise that being off the weed isn't so bad and being in a different routine and going out for a change is nice.
I'm not an expert at all. This just sounds exactly like my oldest friend. Known each other since nursery. Over the last 10 years he's systematically lost every old friend he had because we all tried to help him get out of his unemployed stoner state.
He simply doesn't want to be helped, so he's just found new friends that fit his lifestyle and reinforce his world view that he's owed a living and it's everyone else's fault.
People change, sometimes you've just got to accept that.
My advice would be to just live your own life and leave him to it.
In hindsight, I sometimes actually feel quite guilty that we couldn't just leave him alone to live how he wanted and just be his mate, instead of trying to make him fit into a mould of how we thought life should be.
I started my own counselling organisation when I was 14 up until I was 21 and I completely burned myself out by sleeping 2 hours a night and drinking litres of black coffee while constantly trying to talk people out of cutting, suicide, drink problems, drug problems, you name it. I stopped because I realised that firstly I was destroying myself, but secondly because there are professionals who have helped and will help people like your friend sort their lives out. They need to be put in the right direction and they need to commit themselves to changing their lives. If he's surrounded himself with people who only reaffirm to him that he's making the right choices in life, he's not going to do anything until he reaches breaking point. And it will. What you need to do is tell him that when he reaches that point and needs to talk, you'll be there. But in the mean time, offer nothing else. Don't avoid the guy, but don't waste your energy on him either. You're clearly an awesome friend and if you want to preserve a friendship, be there when it counts.
Edited by Paulverine at 22:04:55 23-08-2012
Fixing the stupid forum bug.
Wow, just as Whooping cough is back in the news as well!
Hope you're on the mend and starting to feel a bit better, hopefully the lower mood is just down to feeling like shit - I know when I'm ill it tends to go hand in hand with really crushing depression.
Sounds like you need plenty of bed rest. If you've got a tv in your bedroom, hook up a console and just spend a day in bed with lots of water and have a good, fat gaming session.
Edited by darkmorgado at 16:18:57 03-09-2012
Oh hi thread, how's it hanging?
Well it tends not to be hanging good. 'sup man?
Thanks for the reply Zom. Oh lots of things, ridiculous amount of things. Can't see a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. On top of general shit, not been paid from work, the business may go under soon, so potentially homeless in under a month. Well, until they come banging on the door anyway. I actually think I may have clinical depression at this point.
I've been wanting to post in here for a week but didn't want to be the one to bump it, so thanks
That sounds very stressful, are you getting daily updates from work? Is it a small business? Do you have any ownership of it? Feel free to rant.
Cheers Zom, yeah, it's not nice being that guy to bump but you know, needs must!
It's a small chain of off licences, our shop should be doing really well, but the owner is an idiot. He clearly thinks we can sell fresh air and make a profit. It's been pretty crap going for over a year, but I fear it's reached the point of no return now. It will either limp on, which in itself is depressing, or hopefully he'll sell it, fingers crossed to Tesco who are next door.
It's very annoying as I've lined up a few new things to do, some sort of university level course, guitar lessons, odd jobs round the house. It's all on hold at the moment as I try to save every penny.
What's your story?
My story is boring and predictable, my girlfriend left me and it's like torture. Haven't slept in over a week, can barely force any food down me, and am generally a bit of a state. Add to that the fact that I'm 3 months behind on my pay (though I'm not too worried over that as I'm confident I'll get it eventually, it's just another thing to add to the pile) and my grandad's just gone into hospital and people don't sound very optimistic, I'm a bit of a mess at the minute. Can't even bring myself to game, just seem to spend my not-at-work time sitting at home either staring blankly at the walls or stalking my ex on Facebook because it makes it so much harder and I have a tendency in these situations to seek out pain. I usually find it \o/
It seems to never rain, but pour doesn't it. Sorry to hear about your granddad, hope for the best. Boo girlfriends boo. I honestly not sure if seeking another one out is the right move for me at the moment, likewise yourself possibly. All I do know is sitting/lying/being in the same room is not good. Localnotail had some great advice, it should be a page or two back maybe. In fact I'm going to read it again for some inspiration!
One other thing though, I personally wouldn't be quite so relaxed about the pay thing. You need to hassle these people other wise you could have half a years worth owed to you soon.
All the best though Zom, is all one can say I suppose!
My pay all comes from dividends, it's not a case of hassling, if there aren't enough profits I don't get paid, plus I had to put in some of my savings as a bailout. Things are picking up a lot though, I'm hoping to be back on track by the end of the year, so it's not really keeping me up.
I think I might have to block my ex on FB. I really didn't want to, but getting over someone is hard when every time I open my computer I am presented with their picture next to a list of everything they've been doing.
I shall now try find local's words of wisdom. Thanks keep us updated with your situation. You going to the expo? We can exchange big hugs. Not like that though. Obviously.
Was considering going to the expo but am a bit nervous going on my own tbh. Sadly I probably can't afford it now anyway.
Probably best you block your ex, or just hide her activity? You don't need reminders everyday. Dividends is way over my head, maybe I could give you some money to invest for me though?
DaM 14,492 posts
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@Zomoniac - that sounds almost exactly like my situation in 1996 I think - it came at the same time as Dunblane too, I worked with one of the parents at the time and knew one of the children, everything just came at once. I think I got some pills from the Dr to help me sleep for a few nights.
It will get better!