Best Man's Speech Page 2

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  • Load_2.0 13 Jan 2007 23:34:35 18,190 posts
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    First of all I would like to welcome everyone here today, some of you have come a very long way. Like from beyond the GRAVE! (Point at elderly relative) Wait for laugh.
    Now we are all here to celebrate the union of these two beautiful people, and beautiful definitely describes the vision that is (brides name) I mean wow! I would! Damn, I mean it could have been me up there y’know (take large swig of whisky) If I hadn’t been ball deep in her sister that night and had been with (brides name) in the retard toilet.... (wait for knowing looks and gentle laughter from parents), well all I can say is you lucky bastard (Grooms name) and you are lucky are’nt you, you cunt (affectionately) I mean, who gets four coked up Thai whores, ass bangs them for three nights without protection and doesn’t bother getting tested? hahaha aids shmaids eh you glorious bastard. Those were the days (grooms name) to think, we all thought you were a queer like (Out a gay relative and wait for gasps and laughter, perhaps applause).
    Any way its about time I brought this speech to an end.... and this is the end I like the best (grind up against family member who has firmest ass) Ok thanks everyone you have been great, now a lets toast the happy couple (By now you should be positioned directly behind the bride so that you cup her breasts while winking lewdly at all the guests.)
    Take your seat and wait for the applause.
  • NewYork 13 Jan 2007 23:48:29 24,838 posts
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    If he can gain the weight and develop a northen accent in time, I'd go with that \o/

    Can't go wrong with a joke, though:

    A wise man once said to me, "If you love her, let her go."
    No... Wait. Sorry. Got that wrong.
    A policeman once shouted out at me, "If you love her, let her go and come out with your hands up!"

    What a riot!
  • delbert 14 Jan 2007 00:36:47 2,888 posts
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    If the bride and groom dont mind get the speeches done before the meal etc makes for a much more enjoyable experience for all speech makers..
  • Flightrisker 14 Jan 2007 11:37:10 18,072 posts
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    Load "$" wrote:
    First of all I would like to welcome everyone here today, some of you have come a very long way. Like from beyond the GRAVE! (Point at elderly relative) Wait for laugh.
    Now we are all here to celebrate the union of these two beautiful people, and beautiful definitely describes the vision that is (brides name) I mean wow! I would! Damn, I mean it could have been me up there y’know (take large swig of whisky) If I hadn’t been ball deep in her sister that night and had been with (brides name) in the retard toilet.... (wait for knowing looks and gentle laughter from parents), well all I can say is you lucky bastard (Grooms name) and you are lucky are’nt you, you cunt (affectionately) I mean, who gets four coked up Thai whores, ass bangs them for three nights without protection and doesn’t bother getting tested? hahaha aids shmaids eh you glorious bastard. Those were the days (grooms name) to think, we all thought you were a queer like (Out a gay relative and wait for gasps and laughter, perhaps applause).
    Any way its about time I brought this speech to an end.... and this is the end I like the best (grind up against family member who has firmest ass) Ok thanks everyone you have been great, now a lets toast the happy couple (By now you should be positioned directly behind the bride so that you cup her breasts while winking lewdly at all the guests.)
    Take your seat and wait for the applause.


    I can see Gob from Arrested Development whenI read this :)
  • markh 20 Jul 2009 13:00:49 3,598 posts
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    BUMP!

    I'm due to be carrying out best man duties in less than 3 weeks and I'm just getting round to doing the speech now - any (useful) advice? It's only just hitting me now that i'm actually doing it and i'm slightly bricking myself!
  • deem 20 Jul 2009 13:03:09 31,641 posts
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    delbert wrote:
    If the bride and groom dont mind get the speeches done before the meal etc makes for a much more enjoyable experience for all speech makers..

    When everyones stone cold sober?

    Ouch.
  • BinaryBob101 20 Jul 2009 13:03:45 21,966 posts
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    Wing it.

    Goose fat is sponsored by:

    Lens Flare

  • rutter 20 Jul 2009 13:05:12 1,919 posts
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    Check out confetti.co.uk and hitched.co.uk
    There's loads of genuinely useful info. on these sites, plus lots of sample speeches to rip one-liners from, or just copy if all else fails!
  • kalel 20 Jul 2009 13:05:58 83,871 posts
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    deem wrote:
    delbert wrote:
    If the bride and groom dont mind get the speeches done before the meal etc makes for a much more enjoyable experience for all speech makers..

    When everyones stone cold sober?

    Ouch.

    Yeah, that's just weird. Pretty important everyone is pissed and slightly sleepy from the meal for me, it's part of the whole vibe.

    At my wedding my dad did a speech before the meal, which was really nice, but it doesn't feel a little odd and you don't quite sit back and engage in the same way you do with post-dinner speeches.

    I'm doing my 3rd best man speech this weekend. First time I've been fairly relaxed about it.
  • kalel 20 Jul 2009 13:07:33 83,871 posts
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    rutter wrote:
    Check out confetti.co.uk and hitched.co.uk
    There's loads of genuinely useful info. on these sites, plus lots of sample speeches to rip one-liners from, or just copy if all else fails!

    I'd say wing it, rather than ripping a speech off, or even bits of a speech. If you use a line off the internet, 50% of the room will have heard it before, and it just taints your whole speech. It's naff imho.

    Things like structure and important things to remember (who to thank/toast) can be quite useful though.
  • rutter 20 Jul 2009 13:08:17 1,919 posts
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    We did our speeches before the meal, and I recently did a best mans speech, also before the meal. It was a much more relaxed experience and you could look forward to enjoying and actually eating your meal without being a bag of nerves.

    I doubt people will be stone cold sober, what with the welcoming drinks and a bar (presumably) whilst photos and shit are done - which was the case in both my experiences.
  • markh 20 Jul 2009 13:09:35 3,598 posts
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    When it comes to thanking people, I assumed it would be a case of thanking the groom for choosing you, complementing the bride and bridesmaid, thanking the parents for their help and thanking everyone for turning up?

    Have i missed anything, or is that too much?
  • kalel 20 Jul 2009 13:11:02 83,871 posts
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    rutter wrote:
    We did our speeches before the meal, and I recently did a best mans speech, also before the meal. It was a much more relaxed experience and you could look forward to enjoying and actually eating your meal without being a bag of nerves.

    Yeah, that's true I'm sure, but I reckon most people attending a wedding would prefer to have the speeches afterwards. I can see the benefit for those doing the speech though.
  • kalel 20 Jul 2009 13:11:54 83,871 posts
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    markh wrote:
    When it comes to thanking people, I assumed it would be a case of thanking the groom for choosing you, complementing the bride and bridesmaid, thanking the parents for their help and thanking everyone for turning up?

    Have i missed anything, or is that too much?

    Ushers? MC? Band?

    Depends on the wedding really, and how you're dividing up the thanking duties.
  • rutter 20 Jul 2009 13:13:23 1,919 posts
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    There is a tradition for who the best man is meant to thank. It's the bridesmaids off the top of my head. You'll also want to say how lovely the bride looks etc.

    Remember that the whole audience will be willing you to do well - and will be so desperate to laugh for you that any whiff of a gag will generally get a response.
  • PES_Fanboy 20 Jul 2009 13:14:00 11,635 posts
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    "Give her one for me, Baz..........right up the shitter!"

    ^^ genuine quote from the (drunken) best man at a wedding I was at a few years ago, as the bride and groom left the reception. I was standing next to the bride's father...who, like everyone else, heard this.
  • PES_Fanboy 20 Jul 2009 13:14:10 11,635 posts
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    So yeah, don't do that.
  • DJCopa 20 Jul 2009 13:15:01 1,055 posts
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    kalel wrote:
    rutter wrote:
    We did our speeches before the meal, and I recently did a best mans speech, also before the meal. It was a much more relaxed experience and you could look forward to enjoying and actually eating your meal without being a bag of nerves.

    Yeah, that's true I'm sure, but I reckon most people attending a wedding would prefer to have the speeches afterwards. I can see the benefit for those doing the speech though.

    We did the same - Had them before. Much better, imo. Everybody seemed to agree as well, as you can then get stuck into the food and drink and then dance - No need to hang around. Bestman, etc. gets to enjoy the meal, instead of pushing it around the plate, waiting to speak in fron of the masses! In fact, last 4 weddings I've been to have been done this way.

    End of day, do what you feel comfortbale with - It's your day and noone elses.
  • rutter 20 Jul 2009 13:17:40 1,919 posts
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    DJCopa wrote:


    End of day, do what you feel comfortbale with - It's your day and noone elses.

    This.
  • deem 20 Jul 2009 13:21:04 31,641 posts
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    This is nonsense! One of the best parts of a wedding is how shit it is for the Best Man.

    Winding him up during the Champagne reception, watching him crap his pants while everyone is knocking back the wine, doing a sweepstake for the speech length during the build-up...

    It's supposed to be shit for the Best Man!
  • PES_Fanboy 20 Jul 2009 13:26:12 11,635 posts
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    rutter wrote:
    DJCopa wrote:


    End of day, do what you feel comfortbale with - It's your day and noone elses.

    This.

    Eh? It's not the best man's day!
  • StarchildHypocrethes 20 Jul 2009 13:28:05 24,558 posts
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    deem wrote:
    This is nonsense! One of the best parts of a wedding is how shit it is for the Best Man.

    Winding him up during the Champagne reception, watching him crap his pants while everyone is knocking back the wine, doing a sweepstake for the speech length during the build-up...

    It's supposed to be shit for the Best Man!
    Exactly!

    I had to go through this and so should everyone else! :)
  • markh 20 Jul 2009 13:28:17 3,598 posts
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    deem wrote:
    This is nonsense! One of the best parts of a wedding is how shit it is for the Best Man.

    Winding him up during the Champagne reception, watching him crap his pants while everyone is knocking back the wine, doing a sweepstake for the speech length during the build-up...

    It's supposed to be shit for the Best Man!

    Thanks deem! Trust you to say something like that :p
  • DJCopa 20 Jul 2009 13:29:25 1,055 posts
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    No, but it's also not just BestMan making a speech! Maybe you are the sort of don who loves to talk in front of 100's of people - Not everyone is the same, hence ' End of day, do what you feel comfortable with - It's your day and noone elses.'

  • StarchildHypocrethes 20 Jul 2009 13:30:35 24,558 posts
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    The groom has to say bugger all though.
  • DJCopa 20 Jul 2009 13:31:53 1,055 posts
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    DJCopa wrote:
    No, but it's also not just BestMan making a speech! Maybe you are the sort of don who loves to talk in front of 100's of people - Not everyone is the same, hence ' End of day, do what you feel comfortable with - It's your day and noone elses.'


    This is really aimed at a groom - If it's the Bestman asking advice, you don't really get a say in the order so tough sh*t ;)
  • markh 20 Jul 2009 13:32:34 3,598 posts
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    The bride has insisted on making a speech at this wedding too, god knows why. She is a bit bossy though.
  • DJCopa 20 Jul 2009 13:34:27 1,055 posts
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    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    The groom has to say bugger all though.

    At weddings you've attended that may be the case - All the ones I've been to (including mine) groom has done a speech..... thought it was the norm, obviously not.
  • rutter 20 Jul 2009 13:36:31 1,919 posts
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    PES_Fanboy wrote:
    rutter wrote:
    DJCopa wrote:


    End of day, do what you feel comfortbale with - It's your day and noone elses.

    This.

    Eh? It's not the best man's day!

    This was in reference to two of us saying we did speeches before meal at our own weddings. You're right, the best man gets no choice.

    I've done a best man's speech before and after the meal and would much prefer it before if I had a choice.

    Anyway, this is kinda off topic.
  • StarchildHypocrethes 20 Jul 2009 13:39:33 24,558 posts
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    DJCopa wrote:
    StarchildHypocrethes wrote:
    The groom has to say bugger all though.

    At weddings you've attended that may be the case - All the ones I've been to (including mine) groom has done a speech..... thought it was the norm, obviously not.
    They've always done a speech, but it's basically just a list of people to thank. Not the horrific thing the best man has to go through :)
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