Best Man's Speech

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  • SambaApe 13 Jan 2007 20:16:47 1,117 posts
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    I was asked earlier this morning to be the Best Man at m Best Mate's Wedding in April.

    I agreed, but as I have never done this before, I am quite frankly terrified.

    I think I am quite naturally funny, but would like to go in with a script or guide at the least.

    Anyone with experience (or without but funny inputs) advice would be welcomed with open arms! \o/
  • Red-Moose 13 Jan 2007 20:26:09 5,345 posts
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    I have never been best man but I would give you some tips about it having seen a few weddings.

    1. DOn't tell anecdotes that only a small few of you will get, e.g., in a room of 200 people and only ten actually were at some funny thing/event/happening.

    2. Keep it clean, it's more respectful

    3. Be genuine.

    4. If you are naturally funny, don't write a script as it will pretty much destroy any natural humour you have. At most, write a few short pointers/topics (e.g., him being a great friend for years and make a general quip that most people will get, but unscripted, or, thanking the familes involved in organisation and a comment on some aspect of it that stood out).

    It is quite painful to watch people who are basically not funny try and appear to be funny off a rehearsed script - and people remember screw ups more than they will remember nice stuff. If you are a humour person, don't script it - just be polite and make a small few generally appreciated witty comments that relax people but don't offend them.

    I can't tell how many times I have cringed at people trying to be standups at a wedding where it's inappropriate and the age groups go from about 6 to 80!

    Edited by Red Moose at 20:27:46 13-01-2007
  • Hughes. 13 Jan 2007 20:27:50 2,812 posts
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    SambaApe wrote:
    I was asked earlier this morning to be the Best Man at m Best Mate's Wedding in April.

    I agreed, but as I have never done this before, I am quite frankly terrified.

    I think I am quite naturally funny, but would like to go in with a script or guide at the least.

    Anyone with experience (or without but funny inputs) advice would be welcomed with open arms! \o/

    Anything you write, record yourself saying it on tape and listen to it back, it's an easy mistake to write in a different voice to the one you speak in, then when it comes to the day you'll be trying to edit your words on the fly and stumbling over yourself. You'll also find it easier to stick to when looking around the room, or you'll end up staring at whatever your clutching and not making eye contact.

    Try to keep the insults good-natured and not malicious or too sexually explicit/grotesque/illegal. Taking the piss is a requirement, but total humiliation is what stag nights are for, mild ribbing will do for the big day.

    I was cacking my pants up until the day before, but you'll tend to be too busy on the day to be anxious, and when you're speaking is really the only time you'll be under the spotlight, as the Gride and Broom get all the fuss. Enjoy it as a bit of showbiz and you'll be feeling confident after the first few words. People tend not to be judgemental, so relax and enjoy the attention, because it'll fly by.

    One more thing, you'll probably hear a lot.

    DON'T FORGET THE RINGS!!
    DON'T FORGET THE RINGS!!
    DON'T FORGET THE RINGS!!
    DON'T FORGET THE RINGS!!
    DON'T FORGET THE RINGS!!
  • Dirtbox 13 Jan 2007 20:29:13 76,329 posts
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    Anicdotes are good if you have a talent for storytelling. Don't worry about everyone else in the room, the only people that need enjoy are your two mates who have just tied the knot.

    +1 / Like / Tweet this post

  • NewYork 13 Jan 2007 20:36:40 24,838 posts
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    "Take my wife. No, please, take her!"

    You'll have them in stitches. \o/
  • Dirtbox 13 Jan 2007 20:38:48 76,329 posts
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    If all else fails, bundle the cake.

    +1 / Like / Tweet this post

  • phAge 13 Jan 2007 20:42:36 24,280 posts
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    Whatever you do, just remember that everybody in the room (everybody!) will be focussing their entire attention on you. Hundreds of eyes will be staring at you, awaiting your speech - and they will expect it to be awesome. They will scrutinize your every word and movement like you've never been scrutinized before, and they WILL remember if you screw up/aren't funny/sweat and/or stutter.

    Any of those things will be etched into their memories forever, and you will henceforth ALWAYS be "that unfunny/sweaty/stuttering guy who totally messed up XXX and XXX's wedding".

    So try not and mess up, eh? :)
  • Dirtbox 13 Jan 2007 20:45:34 76,329 posts
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    Your priority is to get as drunk as you can before you make the speech. that way, you won't care or remember how well/badly it went down.

    +1 / Like / Tweet this post

  • cubbymoore 13 Jan 2007 20:56:14 36,441 posts
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    Talk about how much you want to shag the bride. For ten minutes. If you run out of material then go into detail about what you'd do to her.
  • NewYork 13 Jan 2007 21:01:38 24,838 posts
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    "There are two ways to handle a woman. No one knows either of 'em!"

    If that doesn't work, your audience are weird.
  • phAge 13 Jan 2007 21:04:49 24,280 posts
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    Tell them the spitroast/Ukranian crack-whore anecdote. If you don't have one, make one up.

    Never, ever fails.
  • deem 13 Jan 2007 21:05:02 31,641 posts
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  • cubbymoore 13 Jan 2007 21:06:45 36,441 posts
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    There are two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. So please join me in a very special toast Ė to the bar staff!
  • NewYork 13 Jan 2007 21:10:42 24,838 posts
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    "If I could say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker!"

    Tears the roof down.
  • blindlemonjefferson 13 Jan 2007 21:45:40 162 posts
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    My cousin married an American whose brother was a US Marine. The brother was best man as only the guy's brother and mum came over for the wedding, 'cuz they'd decided to do two reception thingies, one here, one in the states.

    Anyway, he stood up at the reception, took out a crumpled peice of paper, and the speech went thus:

    [Slooow Cal'fornyan voice]

    "Ah'm naat v'rrry good aht speeches, [pause] so Ah'll keep it shorrd.

    [long pause]

    Cungrah-tu-lashuns [pause], ahhnd good luck [pause], to Nicola [pause], ahnd my li'l brrro [pause] Errric.

    (edit: [long pause])

    Thankyou."

    [He raises a beer, slowly; slowly he takes a sip; slowly he raises the bottle once more; slowly he sits down]

    [APPLAUSE!]


    Everybody loved it

    Edited by blindlemonjefferson at 21:47:08 13-01-2007
  • Jeepers 13 Jan 2007 21:50:01 13,158 posts
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    I kept my Best Man speech very, very short (in fact, one of my mates won the bet as to how long it would be. His guess? Under 90 seconds). I'd known the groom for years so said something like "I've known [the groom] since I was young and I know that if he can make [his wife] as happy as she obviously makes him, they'll be happy for many, many years to come". Then thank everyone and sit down.

    Also: don't get distracted by the groom when you're supposed to be giving the chief Bridesmaid a kiss on the cheek for all her help: this generally results in her saying "Well fuck you too" loud enough for the first four rows to hear.

    Altho', thinking about it, this might only happen if you've slept with the chief bridesmaid previously and had been less-than brilliant at staying in touch with her...

    Bear in mind that - for some reason - women seem to take the title "Best Man" literally: I ended up spending the night with the most attractive girl I've ever met. Little did she know that, despite my temporary title, I am, in fact, a hideous, embittered, unattractive shell of a man with all the charm of a freshly-laid turd.

    ...

    W00t!

  • Deleted user 13 January 2007 21:52:56
    phAge wrote:
    Tell them the spitroast/Ukranian crack-whore anecdote. If you don't have one, make one up.

    Never, ever fails.

    It has to finish with "aids schmaids"



    Edited by Art_Vandelay at 21:53:16 13-01-2007
  • Phattso Moderator 13 Jan 2007 21:55:33 12,722 posts
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    Jeepers wrote:
    Bear in mind that - for some reason - women seem to take the title "Best Man" literally: I ended up spending the night with the most attractive girl I've ever met. Little did she know that, despite my temporary title, I am, in fact, a hideous, embittered, unattractive shell of a man with all the charm of a freshly-laid turd.

    Heh - I had this when I was Best Man a few years back. Practically blanked her for the first hour as I thought she was just some nutter following me around. Technically she was - a horny nutter. My favourite kind. ;-)


    I'm actually due to be Best Man again for another mate at his wedding in March. It's interesting doing it for a second time, knowing what worked and what didn't, and what to be concerned about and when to just go with the flow.

    Best advice is just to trust that the audience is friendly and are on your 'side'. Everyone knows it's a big deal, that you may be nervous, and so people are generally very understanding. Be charming, give 'em some history and some anecdotes, thank the people that need to be thanked, and give a nice toast at the end. Job done. Whatever you do is gonna be just fine.

    Unless you shit yourself part way through the speech. That might cause... problems.
  • phAge 13 Jan 2007 21:56:04 24,280 posts
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    Art_Vandelay wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    Tell them the spitroast/Ukranian crack-whore anecdote. If you don't have one, make one up.

    Never, ever fails.

    It has to finish with "aids schmaids"
    ... and "... too bad little Pavlov will never get to meet his real dad...".
  • NewYork 13 Jan 2007 21:58:33 24,838 posts
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    "To our wives and our girlfriends. Let's hope they never meet!"

    Cheeky and also hilarious!
  • CerealKey 13 Jan 2007 22:09:03 2,860 posts
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    Dont' feel you have to stand stock still. Feel free to move around the room and pat people you are talking about on the shoulder. If there are people who are in your story, get to them and ask them to stand up, it takes the focus off you for a bit.
  • deem 13 Jan 2007 22:18:23 31,641 posts
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  • CerealKey 13 Jan 2007 22:20:46 2,860 posts
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    Well if you can make it work, make it work.
  • Flightrisker 13 Jan 2007 23:02:41 18,072 posts
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    My plan has always been to do a soken word version of ths:



    Some people stand in the darkness
    Afraid to step into the light
    Some people need to help somebody
    When the edge of surrender's in sight

    Don't you worry
    It's gonna be alright
    Cause I'm always ready
    I won't let you out of my sight.

    I'll be ready
    I'll be ready
    Never you fear
    No don't you fear
    I'll be ready
    Forever and always
    I'm always here.

    In us we all have the power
    But sometimes it's so hard to see
    And instinct is stronger than reason
    It's just human nature to me

    Don't you worry
    Its gonna be alright
    Cause I'm always ready
    I won't let you out of my sight.

    I'll be ready
    I'll be ready
    Never you fear
    No donít you fear
    I'll be ready
    Forever and always
    I'm always here.

    Cause I'm always ready
    I won't let you out of my sight

    I'll be ready
    I'll be ready
    Never you fear
    No don't you fear
    I'll be ready
    Forever and always
    I'm always here.

    Forever and always
    I'm always here.
  • NewYork 13 Jan 2007 23:06:55 24,838 posts
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    Spoken word versions of songs only work if you're fat, speak like Rickly Tomlinson and have a hearty laugh like the guy at the end of the McDonalds Angus Burger advert.

    Heck, unless you've got all those things, you're pretty much screwed.
  • generica 13 Jan 2007 23:09:41 4,273 posts
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    Post deleted at 23:10:24 13-01-2007
  • generica 13 Jan 2007 23:09:41 4,273 posts
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    Post deleted at 23:10:09 13-01-2007
  • Load_2.0 13 Jan 2007 23:10:52 18,192 posts
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    Dont forget to let the audience know that you approve of your friends choice in wife. I would suggest saying you think she is sexy and that you definately "would". Prehaps even simulate how you would copulate with the bride if you had the chance. It will bring a tear to every eye.
  • CerealKey 13 Jan 2007 23:13:30 2,860 posts
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    I find saying "I'd hit it! I know in years to come that [friend's name] will take this literally" helps.
  • Deleted user 13 January 2007 23:14:00
    phAge wrote:
    Art_Vandelay wrote:
    phAge wrote:
    Tell them the spitroast/Ukranian crack-whore anecdote. If you don't have one, make one up.

    Never, ever fails.

    It has to finish with "aids schmaids"
    ... and "... too bad little Pavlov will never get to meet his real dad...".

    we could write a stella best man's speech, but I think i'd be best for everyone if we didn't :)
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